Jiraiya's Pervy-Wish
by The Paradoxical Son
Summary: Jiraiya tripped over Jirachi. Suddenly, pokegirls. A surprisingly complex, well-thought-out system of 'love' over war sprung up instantly. Apparently the super-pervert had been sitting on the idea for a while.
1. Chapter 1, Prologue

Jiraiya tripped.

He was a legendary sannin; he did not merely trip like some washed out academy student. He was the legendary toad sage, the crusher of armies, and the number one desirable of women everywhere. He did not merely trip.

Yet he did.

Looking back on the dirt road the man looked at what he'd tripped over. It was a steely gray figure, about the size and proportion of a plush toy. The strangest part was its star-shaped head with three tags hanging of the corner like an Akatsuki hat. A line which looked suspiciously like an eyelid was present on its stomach.

The creature floated upwards. "Jirachi…" it moaned.

Jiraiya blinked; it was weird. But he had seen so much weirder in his lifetime of being a shinobi. And somehow he got the impression that the creature was complaining about being tripped over. "Sorry?" he apologized, wondering if he was reading it right.

Naruto was heckling over the fact that he, a legendary shinobi, had just tripped out of the blue. There was going to be another ravine in his future: a wider one that Gamabunta wouldn't fit in.

"Woah, what is that thing?" Naruto murmured, amazed, when he had stopped laughing like a loon. A finger reached out to poke it before retreating, thinking better of the idea.

"It's…" he had no clue. Like magic, Jiraiya remembered an old legend of a star-shaped puppet with an all-seeing eye that would grant any wish before departing for a thousand years. Coincidentally, the legend was a thousand years old.

Man were they lucky the Akatsuki hadn't found it. Or… any other shinobi village.

"I think it's The Wishing Star," Jiraiya guessed. "It grants any wish to the person who finds it."

Naruto nodded, like he was pretending to be intelligent and cultured. Moments later, an expression of abject horror creeped across his face. "And… you found it, pervy-sage?"

Why yes, yes he did. That would mean that the wish was his wouldn't it? Jiraiya giggled perversely as blood seeped out his nose. His imagination was best left unexplored.

"Aw man! C'mon strange-loo-I mean awesome-looking star thing! Don't doom the world to this guy's wish. Please, don't do it!"

The creature flew loops around Naruto's hands as he spoke. "Jirachi," it said before quickly making spirals around the genin.

"Is that your name?" Naruto asked, keeping one eye on pervy-sage.

It paused in its floating directly in front of Naruto's face. "Jirachi!" it chirped in affirmative.

Jiraiya broke from his perverse trance. "Alright then Jirachi-"

Naruto cut him off. "I won't let you pervy-sage! There's no way I can let you make even one pervy wish!" he shouted, his mind going straight into what he imagined Jiraiya's gutter looked like. He didn't like it; he didn't like it at all.

"Don't call me that!" he shouted back reflexively. "And damn it brat! The apprentice isn't supposed to oppose the master!"

Naruto's reply showed his intentions perfectly. "Multi-shadow clone jutsu!" Hundreds of copies flooded the roadside. "The apprentice always betrays the master when he's evil!" Naruto declared.

Well, he was pretty genre-savvy today, Jiraiya thought. "Being perverted isn't evil you closeted brat!"

Naruto was taken back, aghast. "I'm not a closet pervert!"

"That's exactly what someone in denial would say!"

"There's-there's no way I'm like you pervy-sage! All of my techniques are made to crush perverts!"

"Don't call me that! And I'd like to see you try, uppity brat! I'm a legendary shinobi and you're just a genin!"

"You're just an old man who can't admit it!"

"I'm not an old man! Fifty-one isn't old you worthless idiot!"

"Ugly toad!"

"Dead-last virgin!"

"Jirachi…"

"Loli lover!"

There was a pause, a long one. Some of Naruto's clones looked at him like they couldn't believe he'd just said that. A still-wind blew through; the only noise was the nervous rustle of the leaves of some nearby trees.

"Jirachi…"

"I… I've been called a lot of things. But not once in all my life have I been accused of being a loli-con," Jiraiya's trembling stopped. "You take the back, brat! My love of the mature female body knows no bounds! The bouncy breasts, luscious thighs, and voluptuous curves are infinitely appealing! To call me-"

"Put a sock in it you dirty old pervert! I'm doing the world a favor by keeping that wish away from you! Rasengan!" Naruto shouted as his pairs attacked the toad sage in groups of two.

"Needle Hell!" A rain of chakra-enhanced hair flew down upon the hordes of clones, popping them all like balloons. "You see brat, you can't beat me!"

The real Naruto pulled a single hair out of his thigh. "Maybe, but I couldn't live with myself unless I tried."

Jiraiya stared at his apprentice squatly. "You're making this way worse than it actually is. It'll probably just be one small-scale wish and I might get laid tonight."

"Jirachi-i-i…"

A clone popped into existence and tried to help Naruto make another rasengan until it was popped by another needle. "Damn it! You're not taking this serious enough!"

Sighing, Jiraiya flashed through hand seals. "Earth Style: Double Decapitation Jutsu."

Naruto was sucked into the dirt road like it was made of quicksand before stopping at neck level. "No…" he protested, imagination showing him the worst possible outcomes. Desperately trying to squirm out and see the strange creature and Jiraiya.

"Ah, don't be so melodramatic! It'll be over before you know it." Jiraiya stepped past Naruto to the strange creature. It bobbed and weaved, seemingly relieved that it was the center of attention once more.

"Don't do it Pervy-sage!"

"So Jirachi-"

The toad sage stopped himself as the eyelid on its stomach slowly peeled back. An eye with the universe in its iris glistened in the midday sun.

" _Jiraiya,"_ a deep, slow voice reverberated in his mind. " _I have read your heart and know your deepest intentions."_

Suddenly, the creature gained a presence. That sixth sense shinobi spent their lives cultivating told him that there was an infinite well of power contained in that eye. Jiraiya struggled to stand straight.

" _Your worth has been proven. Your will shall be made manifest."_

White brightness poured from the eye. The world was smothered in radiant light as everything became blank. White in all directions, it felt like staring into the sun. Even closing his eyes, the light burned and blinded just as bright.

"Pervy-sage, pervy-sage. What's going on? Pervy-sa-"

* * *

"*sniffle* This is perfect. Just perfect…"

* * *

Groggily, Naruto woke up. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and immediately noticed the other occupant in the room. She was a female, a very attractive one. Her appearance jarred his memory as Naruto remembered what happened before the world had flared white.

Jiraiya had one wish; there was an attractive woman in front of him dressed like a maid: it wasn't hard to put two and two together.

"Pervy-sage, what did you do?" Naruto muttered. He hoped that everything returned to normal like it so often did in his life.

The maid did notice him waking up. "Hello Master. Are you feeling alright?"

Master? "Yeah, I'm fine," Naruto declared, crawling out of the bed. It reminded him of a hospital; he instinctively was trying to escape.

"That's wonderful. If you need anything I'm yours to command." Even her voice sounded like liquid lust. Was he was stuck in Pervy-sage's fantasies?

Naruto tossed the blankets off, stood up, and stretched. He was going to find Pervy-sage as quick as possible and get answers. His eyes met the maid's. Her eyes were staring at his waist. Glancing down, he quickly realized that he was wearing nothing bar some extra lumber.

He looked back at the maid. She was still staring at his crotch. "C-can I get some clothes?"

"Of course, Master," she replied, still not breaking her stare. In a flurry of motion there was a maid costume thrown at him alongside a female set of underclothes.

Those were not the clothes he was looking for! Or wanted!

This really was a world straight out of Pervy-sage's fantasies! Naruto stopped for a moment to stare at the stacked and bare woman before snapping out of it. He fled, flying through the door with as much speed as he could muster.

He was also still naked.

Ignoring everyone he passed in the luxurious hallway was easier than he had expected. Instead of staring at him every single female (there were no males) stood entranced by his genitals. Throwing open an ostentatious door, he instinctively knew was Jiraiya's, he marched in.

He was greeted with live porn.

Naruto stopped to stare. There were six female occupants with various looks and one sole male. A handsome, young man with a long mane of snow-white hair. That was Jiraiya: much younger. Those were naked women, all of them looking ruffled and debauched.

They were having sex.

His mind took a moment to realize that he was watching _Pervy-sage_ engage in intercourse. When it settled in, he resisted the urge to wretch and quickly hopped to the safe side of the door. He slammed it shut, ignoring the moans and groans coming from the room.

The hallway wasn't much better: every female was still staring at him. Worse, they were closing in, trapping him.

"Master Naruto," one of the bustier maids moaned; Naruto could almost hear the "sching" of a sword leaving its scabbard.

No, he wasn't a pervert. He wasn't. He just wasn't. Naruto jumped to escape on the ceiling before falling on his face after achieving a couple feet of lift.

He didn't have chakra.

He didn't have chakra.

Naruto, reluctantly and hastily, opened Jiraiya's door to talk to him. He couldn't stall this any longer. Plus, this was the only way to escape the horde of women closing in on him.

Naruto looked at the porn mournfully, shutting the door behind him. "Pervy-sage, what did you do?" he screamed over the sexual soundtrack.

"Damn it! Don't call me-" the toad sage was cut off by a kiss.

"Pervy-sage," one of the women purred, "Are you going to unleash all of your natural, beastly desires onto me?"

That was a pretty cliche line; the author apologizes.

"Maybe later," the snow-haired man reluctantly, very reluctantly, denied. "I actually have to talk to this brat."

Six pairs of eyes dropped to his crotch. "He doesn't look too much like a brat," one of the women offered.

Jiraiya sighed mournfully as Naruto tried to hide his penis ineffectively.

* * *

"Are we really going to do this naked?" Naruto asked, brow twitching.

"Yup. I, uh, haven't bothered to find out where the clothes are," Jiraiya affirmed.

Naruto sighed, thoroughly sick of all the perversion already. He had given up.

"Ah cheer up you mopey brat. At least everyone acknowledges you now."

Acknowledgment like this was never what he had in mind. "For my penis."

Jiraiya shrugged haplessly. "There's worse things to be recognized for." He leaned back in one of the cushy armchairs. Definitely made to have sex in.

"Suppose I should explain myself. Well, I changed the world. There's no more chakra, no more death, and no more virgins."

Figures that Pervy-sage would consider virgins a tragedy. Naruto glared just for the sake of glaring.

"So I made a world of Pocket Girls, pokegirls, that need to have sex or they go crazy. They're stored in balls and come out whenever you're ready."

Naruto stared at his testicles, horrified.

"Not those balls brat. Pocket Balls."

There was a silence.

"Alright, I get it. That's still a euphemism for testicles. No, they're stored in red and white orbs that you keep on your belt."

And so Jiraiya explained his pervy world to a closet-pervert, and self-proclaimed anti-pervert, who was just too disgusted to react. There were lots of explanations, and lots of mopey, resigned glares.

How could anyone be so perverted?

* * *

 **End.**

 **Enter the Preface**

Given where I placed this crossover, a number of you readers may be entirely, or peripherally, aware of what a pokegirl is. I'll give you the short version: a bunch of virgin males who played too much pokemon got caught up in fantasies and created this. It's perverted as hell, and I felt the need to warn you what you're getting into.

Going onwards, it's almost expected that you know something about pokegirls, else you be completely lost. The explanation that I glossed over above that would help you, the readers, has been omitted because of laziness on my part, and I'd like to apologize for that. Part of the weirdness come from this supposed to have been a one-shot, but has since been upgraded to a full length fan-fiction.

And finally, the M rating will eventually come into play (as is to be expected), but not for a few more chapters at least. That said, sex is openly talked and joked about in a world like this, and the narrative is decidedly raunchy.

Thanks for giving this a try.

 **End.**


	2. Chapter 2, Exposition

**All credits to this chapter belong to me. All credit to this chapter existing goes to Forgottenkami, the glorious man who actually made this chapter a thing. Without him, this would not have been written. Send him a thank you PM. Or send them to me. I like PM's. A lot.**

 **Naruto belongs to Kishimoto. Pokegirls is public content waiting to be claimed, but Pokemon is owned by Gamefreak. Not that I need a disclaimer given that this falls under parody. Purely respect for the people and progenitors of these ideas…**

… **Except for pokegirls. Those pervs.**

 **Update: Casing has been changed to capitalization for the species name of pokegirls. Not only was it not uniform prior, but lowercase is wrong as well.**

 **Chapter 1 - Jiraiya the Sadist**

* * *

"Hey," Jiraiya swaggered up, looking like he was drunk at sunrise. "It's dangerous to go alone. Take this."

And then there was a pokeball thrown at his face, lightly. Even without chakra Naruto still had years of ingrained reflexes and caught it easily.

"What the hell pervy-sage?"

Jiraiya sighed and Naruto struggled not to cringe from the smell of spirits. "I'm serious brat. There's things out there that'd drop you faster than you can say 'Great Master Jiraiya please save my worthless hide'. I can't let you just go out alone."

"I wouldn't be caught dead saying that, Pervy-sage!" Naruto protested.

He shrugged. "Meh."

Naruto gaped. Pervy-sage didn't shout 'don't call me that!' Just what was going on?

Wait. Was he in a genjutsu? Shouldn't he have checked that earlier? Damn. Maybe while the pervert wasn't watching he'd check for one.

Naruto gazed back at the mansion he was leaving (where did Pervy-sage get one anyways?) with a forlorn expression.

"You're just going to stay here?" Naruto accused, feeling his heart pulse a little more painful.

Jiraiya blinked a couple of times like he was just waking up again. "Yeah." He gave his pupil a funny look. "I don't know why you want to leave in the first place," he said while scratching his chin.

"Aren't you supposed to, y'know, stop me or come with me. Training journey and all?"

"Hrm. Say 'y'know' again," he requested.

"... Why?"

"Just do it brat."

Naruto glared for a few moments before caving in. "Y'know."

Jiraiya breathed out a handful of memories. "That brings me back."

He got a sceptical look from his student, but Naruto said nothing. He never really did when his head was full of memories and soul full of hurt.

"You going to answer my question now Pervy-sage?" Naruto asked.

Jiraiya shrugged off the accusation. "I think you might learn better with no one holding your hand. And to be honest, I haven't taught you much."

"Well, that's true," the teen muttered bitterly.

The shinobi legend felt the need to justify himself. "I thought you might identify what you needed to learn and ask me or learn it yourself. If you sat and thought for half a second you'd probably figure it out."

Naruto paused for half a second before replying. "I don't get it."

The pervert sighed again. "In all the fights you've forced me into I've only needed one jutsu. Why?" he replied, scratching at his ribs.

"Cause Needle Hell is a busted ass jutsu," Naruto muttered.

"No. Well, yes, but the real reason is because it kills all of your clones. And you can't do much without them."

The blonde stared at Jiraiya until the man heard an audible click behind his eyes. "You wanted me to Rasengan without a clone!"

"Now you get it, brat. If you could Rasengan by yourself then I might've needed to, I don't know, take a step or something."

"Why didn't you tell me?!" Naruto exploded. He totally would've worked on that if he knew that's what he was supposed to do.

"You wanna be Hokage, right. Top dog and all that. You can't be Hokage if someone needs to tell you what to do."

"Oh, right." That made sense: probably why he hadn't thought of it.

"That's why you've gotta go without me, brat. You work better without a safety net. Proven it time and time again," he continued.

Naruto thought of his accomplishments and nodded his agreement. "Right!" he deflated a moment later. "But I don't have chakra anymore!"

Pervy-sage smirked. "A true ninja uses more than just chakra. Do you think Sarutobi-sensei got powerful enough to almost take down three S-ranked shinobi at once? I don't think so."

"Didn't the old man lose though?" Naruto replied quietly.

Jiraiya snorted. "In a very technical sense Orochimaru won, but he lost a whole lot more. Do you know how hard it would be to bring him down with the first two Hokages at his beck and call?"

"Oh." He said once brainlessly. "Oh," Naruto repeated as the information sunk in. "That wouldn't be good."

Jiraiya snorted, looking more alert. "Konoha wouldn't be standing if Orochimaru still had the Senju brothers at his command. That was the type of Kage sensei was."

"Right!"

"And you're not even in his league right now. Take a trip kid. Get better."

Jiraiya continued, blithely. "And don't die. The paperwork would be a bitch while I'm on vacation." Whatever moment might have been building was abruptly shattered.

"Vacation?! Pervy-sage!" Naruto shouted, outraged.

The pervert pretended not to hear him as he waltzed back to his mansion. Naruto decided not to follow.

He paused and thought for a moment. Like there was something he should've been asking.

Nah. He was good.

Tossing the pokeball into the air out of habit, he remembered suddenly that he had one. He fumbled around to catch it as it descended. He stared at it mournfully. It just reminded him that he didn't have chakra, so he needed someone else to protect him.

That feeling of missing something returned for a moment.

It didn't leave. Naruto then felt a light breeze.

...Pause while his brain takes a few moments to catch up...

"Damn it!" Naruto shouted as he scuttled back after Jiraiya. "I'm still naked!"

* * *

Naruto sighed as he stretched the collar of his new windbreaker. Orange, like everything he wore was. Although Jiraiya had forced him into black pants and a black shirt with an all too smug smirk as his clothes were literally created before his eyes.

Maybe these… pokegirls, wouldn't be so bad. He definitely couldn't make clothes that fast.

Picking at his shirt, unsatisfied, Naruto sighed. Apparently he'd better get used to the color black, as it was one of the few colors to mix well with orange. And his new belt. Missing from his thigh was a kunai pouch, replaced by a black, leather belt with six slots in it. Temporarily trading one profession for another.

His forehead felt empty without the familiar shine of Leaf, hair falling sloppily into his eyes now. He was sure it was still around, but had decided to escape Jiraiya before he was needled verbally for being a moron.

Pft, like _Pervy-sage_ was one to talk. He has one wish and he wastes it on this pervy as hell world. How could you make a world that revolves around sex anyways? Wouldn't it just fall apart?

He'll get better: author's promise.

Naruto glanced at the glint of metal from his peripherals. He pouted at the pokeball.

Damn. Better get it over with. Knowing Pervy-sage it was the sexual equivalent of a bulldozer.

Grasping the surprisingly adhesive synthetic metal with his fingertips he brought it up to his face. "Where's the button to unshrink this thing," he muttered. There was only one big button.

He pushed it, skeptically.

It grew and expanded in his face. "Whoa, it's bigger than I thought…"

Why did he feel really dumb for a moment?

(*cough*)

"So do I just press it again, or rub it the right way to open it? Pervy-sage said it was really sensitive like this."

Alright, I get it.

He tossed the pokeball against the dirt, and with a flare of seizure inducing light a form coalesced out of the shine.

When the lighting dropped to normal, Naruto could see the image of another way too attractive female. Like the world couldn't produce anything except models.

"Hey." He said, not even phased by the excessive sex appeal. If Tsunade couldn't make him drop his words then no woman could. Believe it.

"Hello," the female replied pleasantly. "Master Jiraiya has informed me that you are to be my new master."

Naruto's face soured. The only way to ruin a female that attractive was to hear the words 'Master Jiraiya' from her lips.

She was his height, he had shot up like a weed in the past year but hadn't been very tall to start with, and possessed long, waist-length hair stained with a dark oak coloring. She had a strong jawline that tapered into a softly pointed chin, curving upwards into a pair of neutrally set onyx lips. A soft button nose parted the distance between two exceptionally striking eyes that reflected a violent shade of amethyst hidden by deep, dark lashes.

There was something about those eyes…

And the figure was stunning, but something Naruto had long since built up a tolerance for. Something he had a tolerance for. Right. Tolerance. So if he could take his eyes off of her breasts _which were just a little more than just a little large for her slight frame, and stop staring_ , that would be entirely normal.

She was wearing a black cloak, her fingers fiddling with the hood already, that covered a normal sky-blue T-shirt and equally normal black jeans. Overall, she looked like a femme fatale if her facial expression wasn't so vacant. The look her face bore didn't match the seductive features she had been gifted with, and looked like a child wearing her mother's face.

Still though… "Master Jiraiya?" he asked, disgusted. It reminded him just a little too much of walking in on the man having sex.

'Engaging in taming', whatever.

"Short for the Great Master Jiraiya, yes." She replied with a soft, ill-used voice.

Naruto was abruptly reminded that this was Pervy-sage's world, and not his own. His nose wrinkled in distaste.

"He's just a pervert."

"No."

Naruto looked at her oddly. "What d'ya mean 'no'. He totally is!"

"Master Jiraiya is not a pervert. He's a Super-Pervert." She sounded happy about that.

It took a moment to sink in.

Part of Naruto's soul died just then. The part that was still in denial of his circumstances fled for the next life.

"Yes. Yes he is," he admitted with slumped shoulders.

She nodded pleased. "Yes. And you are his favoured pupil," she said, thinking out loud more than talking to him.

Naruto bounced back instantly. "Ehehe. Not like he'd ever admit it. Pervy-sage wouldn't be caught dead admitting that he like things other than women," Naruto rambled, his tongue not affected by the ridiculously attractive woman.

He wasn't affected by the attractive woman. Are we clear on that?

"Pervy-sage," she repeated, tasting the term and finding it flavoured to her liking. "Yes, such a term would apply to such a beast of lust, culmination of all that is masculine, and man of wisdom and experience in life and in bed. What a venerable name you've entitled your master with. May I have the permission to address him as 'Pervy-sage' as well?"

She said that with a straight face. She said _that_ with a straight face.

Naruto's face contorted into angles that caused anyone looking at it pain. The rest of his denial shattered.

"Yeah… yeah. Call him Pervy-sage." Only the knowledge that Jiraiya would hate it let him allow her that permission.

There was a silence. One that the female seemed to be relishing while Naruto tried to scrub the memory of the soft, almost whispery, soprano singing praises of the man. Super traumatic. No overreacting here, really.

She fiddled with her hood while standing and staring into space before hesitantly lifting it to cover her head, hair pressed to her cheeks.

"Hey. What's your name?" Naruto asked, because his curiosity had boiled over, and apparently he was supposed to work with one of Pervy-sage's fangirls.

Pervy-sage had fangirls. Ew.

She peered past the shadow of her hood and black, painted lashes to match his eyes in a gaze he couldn't break, eyes glinting with some unholy light. "I don't have one yet. Traditional procedure to grant me one is usually preceded by physically exhausting me before roughly taming me until my throat has burned itself raw. Should any of my primal, animal screams inspired you, and my slavish devotion to your glorious penis impressed you to a certain degree then you may you present me with a name, something I would bear with incomparable ecstacy, second only to your needy flesh penetrating me."

Okay. Okay…

He just.

Just needed to sit down.

Just. What the hell Pervy-sage? Why'd he give him the weirdest one?

Okay.

"Just-just give me a moment," Naruto breathed heavily.

Just, just okay.

"I can abandon my pride and debase myself for your benefit if you are having performance issues," she promised with a straight face. "You can take your pick of masturbation, strip-tease, or-"

"No!" Naruto shouted, having no problems getting it up (just the opposite). "No! Just, give me a moment to think."

"With which head?" she questioned flatly. So flat in fact, that Naruto almost missed that it was a question.

Once he understood what she was asking, Naruto looked for the sky. Hoping for some kind of guidance or distraction.

When none came, Naruto gave up and let Pervy-sage win. He was just done.

For maybe the next twenty minutes. He always did have a quick recovery time.

* * *

As far as first impressions went, there were worse. Possibly because Naruto had experienced the literal worst in Kakashi, the man who showed up hours late before fucking with the heads of emotionally vulnerable pre-teens.

And then fingers up his butt.

For all that Team Seven was special to the genin, the bell test would be a memory that he couldn't think of. All trains of thought inevitably drained into the excruciating experience of being launched from his ass.

Fuck that.

Considering that, his first meeting with his, soon to be, pokegirl consisted of her praising his master, then offering herself up for sexual acts was nothing short of miraculous.

And then she disappeared. Then, minutes later, there was this wariness in the back of his mind and a presence that would not stop stalking him. Naruto just knew that it was her. Given his status as awesome ninja, he kept leaping up into a ready position when his sixth sense felt her prodding at his peripherals.

She was driving him nuts. Also, he was lost and had no clue where he was going. Maybe he'd eventually hit a town.

Or, maybe, he could get her to lead him to a town. Or something. Anything would be better than being lost.

"Hey!" he called out, knowing she'd answer. "Hey. Do you know where the nearest town is."

Suddenly, she was just there. A breaths-width away from his face and entirely inside his ninja-bubble.

"No."

"Wha-at the hell?" Naruto shouted, leaping back as much as he could.

And then she was in his face again, pinning him in place with her hypnotizing, violet eyes. "But I do know where a nearby civilization is. However, I cannot tell you where the closest residency is. My apologies, honoured pupil."

Naruto's heart went out to Konohamaru; how he put up with that was beyond him.

And then came his second reaction. "Could you get out of my face?" Because he wasn't able to get away. There was something in her gaze and discomfiting closeness.

Plus she was attractive.

She leaned forward, peering closer. "I'm not in your face."

His brain sparked.

It took the blonde a moment to figure out that she was speaking literally. Before he could rephrase the request, she continued.

"Although I'm not averse to oral penetration, as my tongue invades your mouth. However, in such a scenario, I would be loathe to pull away."

Naruto blinked.

Just, just okay.

And then she was gone; the strange presence behind her eyes stopped controlling him. "What the actual fuck?! Get back here!" he commanded.

His neck hairs tingled as a warm breeze moved them. Naruto slumped forward, giving up again.

' _Do you get off on my suffering Pervy-sage?'_

* * *

It took a while, but eventually Naruto had stumbled on something that vaguely resembled civilization. The patchy forest yielded into arid plains with well worn dirt trails, the heat bearable were it not for the stifling humidity. The closest town was seaside, the sparkling, warm waters giving the city a shimmering shroud of heat vectors and the illusion of a curved mirror.

Naruto reluctantly removed his jacket. All of the black he wore made him look like Sasuke though. Admittedly, the orange jacket was necessary to compliment the ensemble.

The entrances to the town were limited to large, tunnel-like buildings. Naruto reluctantly walked into one.

Lines. There were people standing in lines. That meant waiting. Even after a year of dealing with Kakashi, waiting and patience were his two worst skills.

Luckily the lines were short; they moved fast as well.

"Any feral sighting that the League should be aware of?" the rather depressed looking rabbit-woman asked him, bored out of her mind. Her fingers rapped at the desk she was sitting at.

"No." It came out more like a question.

The attendant waved him through anyways. "Thank you. Have a good day."

"Hey," Naruto asked quietly so the other people wouldn't think he was crazy, "what's a feral sighting?"

Walking through the building, he braced himself for the girl to get in his face again as he walked into the crowded city.

Nothing. He could tell she was there, but just uncomfortable.

He shrugged. There wasn't much to be concerned about. Sure, most of the population was supernaturally hot women, but other than that it seemed pretty normal. Really, all the kunoichi in Konoha were on par with most of these women anyways.

Somehow he could tell that the crazy chick Pervy-sage had saddled him with was amused.

Wait, fuck. He had found a city. What the hell was he going to do in one now? Food, yes. Information? Maybe. Try to figure out what the hell Pervy-sage had done? Yeah, that too.

But how?

There was an exasperated sigh in the back of his mind, and then he wasn't in the comically chaotic streets anymore.

He was in a creepy, stereotyped alley. His only familiar face, sans Jiraiya, was pressed into his.

"As much fun as it is to watch you blunder about cluelessly," she breathed softly, words caking his face, "Great Master Jiraiya has given me directives to carry through."

There was not enough soap in the world to scrub the words 'Great Master Jiraiya' off of his face.

She huffed, gently ruffling his thoughts. Her hot breath curled some color onto his cheeks. "Go to the red roofed building and hand this stack of papers to a woman with pink hair."

"Wait," Naruto protested, "Why didn't you answer me when I asked earlier?"

"I'm not beholden to you until you gift me with a name," she argued.

She was also lying; he could tell. Naruto's eyes narrowed in defiance. But what she said was also true.

He'd ask her about it after he'd named her. After all, the genin had secrets of his own.

So he changed the subject. "The red roofed building? Shouldn't there be more than one of those?"

Ninjas knew a lot about roofs.

"No," her eyes softened, barely. It made the eye-catching shade of purple even more attractive. "There's only one building with a red roof per city."

"Got it. And I just hand them these papers?" Naruto glanced down at the decent sized stack. "Where did you even get these?"

"The Great Master Jiraiya gave them to me. And yes, delivering the papers will accomplish your goal."

Naruto smiled slightly, reminded of a mission momentarily. He turned to leave, but before he could dart back into the street she barred his path.

"It would be much appreciated if you returned me to my pokeball."

Eh. He didn't get it (wasn't it cramped in there?), but sure. With a flare of light, he resealed her.

"Red roof," the blonde repeated, so he wouldn't forget. Cause history had shown he wasn't liable to remember.

* * *

The red roofed building made his super-ninja senses tingle. Bad tingles. The roof was made of some plastic or metal polymer, and it's odd, eye-catching shape had numerous dips and curves that could hold an entire team of hostile ninja.

Walking inside, Naruto noted that it was a hospital-like building that instantly put him on edge. The walls and ceiling were coated with a celestial, reflective blankness that hurt to stare at. The floor were made of an off-white marble. The only color was the red highlights present almost everywhere. Naruto finally understood what Ino meant by the term 'eyesore'.

The nurses were pretty though, and with pink hair to boot. Mission almost accomplished.

"Yo," Naruto greeted the nurse behind the front desk with a casual wave of his hand. 'Nurse Joy' as her tag read, was seated underneath a large sign that read 'customer service'.

"Hello, is there anything I can help you with?" she asked his eyes, earnestly.

"Yeah, I was told to hand you this stack of papers," Naruto said, brandishing the pile of paperwork like a kunai.

He bobbed and weaved impatiently as the woman accepted and read the pile of ink she was given. Waiting.

"You are the Great Master Jiraiya's Honoured Pupil?" the woman asked, shock flooding her petal soft voice.

How many times would it take before Naruto actively acknowledged that it's Jiraiya's world? Too many. He groaned in annoyance. "Yeah," he agreed, hoping that the subject was changed.

"Y-yes!" Nurse Joy looked significantly less composed. "I'll get this processed immediately. Just wait here for a moment."

Naruto froze. "Wait?" he whispered in horror.

"A-ah?! No. No, you can come back with me and I'll get you started!" the pinkette looked at him, desperately hoping it was enough to placate her patient.

' _E-eh?'_ It wasn't what he had in mind, really he was mostly overreacting, but this was much better. "Sure! Thank you." His apology was made more serious by the honest relief he felt.

Nurse Joy melted. The blush looked good on her. "Yes," she replied, forcing herself to function normal, "just follow me back and I'll get you started."

Started on what?

' _I really hope Pervy-sage didn't sign me up for slave labor.'_

Cause this had Jiraiya's name, and overly large ego that smudged everything else the pervert did, written all over. Throwing him a bone, an attractive girl, and then signing him up for forced labor was basically the man's MO.

Walking with his arms crossed behind his neck, Naruto pretended to observe the hallway he was following Nurse Joy down with boredom. It was still a painful shade of white.

The pinkette stepped into a room; Naruto followed, dropping his arms.

Nurse Joy had to bend forward a little to reach the box she was looking for, needlessly providing fanservice. She polished some invisible dust off the top before handing it to the blonde.

Naruto opened the box without struggle. He opened the box without struggle. Are we clear on that? It was easy, and he didn't attempt to open it with his teeth. Awesome ninja didn't struggle with a lump of cardboard.

Nurse Joy smiled, amused. "I could've just handed you a knife."

Naruto did not want to know why the hospital worker carried a knife with her. Her pleasant disposition marked her as an infiltrator in Naruto's mind, so the mental image of the kindly nurse really being a homicidal psychopath came too easy.

Pink hair was scary. And hot. Mostly scary.

"I said I got it!" Naruto repeated from the brief time skip to save a sliver of his pride.

"Okay, okay."

Delving into the box with his hands the genin pulled out another box with one reflective surface.

This must be one of those Pokedexes Jiraiya had told him about. What button was he supposed to push to turn it on?

Naruto fumbled with the device, and let out a very manly scream as the device flared to life. On the screen was the image of Nurse Joy.

He read for a moment before looking at Nurse Joy. Then the screen.

He looked up. "Huh." She was a pokegirl. That would explain all the identical sisters.

Nurse Joy nodded before pulling an item that looked very similar to the Pokedex out of her apron. Her fingers were a blur as she punched in information from the packet of papers.

"You don't have any pokegirls, do you?" There was something dangerous buried in her words, maybe a landmine.

He scratched the back of his neck nervously. "Sort of?" he offered weakly.

"No one sort of has a pokegirl."

Was it cold? He was cold.

"Well, I'm not her tamer, because that implies taming." Naruto gave himself a mental pat on the back for not stuttering. "But Pervy-sage kinda let me out on my own so I probably should've had someone with me."

Did he spew enough bullshit?

"Oh," Nurse Joy smiled, all teeth and no eyes. "Why didn't you say so? Could I see her pokeball? Just in case."

Naruto relaxed; he spewed enough bullshit.

"Yeah, sure."

He had survived another hospital worker. Apparently, they were employed to save lives, yet Naruto felt he had more near death experiences in a hospital than anywhere else.

"Thank you. Here's your pokeball back, Naruto."

"Thanks," Naruto replied, trying to avoid evisceration. Because the Nurse Joy was still very, very dangerous. He could tell by the pink hair.

"I'll just lead you up front."

And then she transformed from a brutal killer to the sickeningly sweet, helpful woman from before.

She practically pushed him out the door. "Be sure to stop by a pokemon center if you or your pokegirls have any health issues."

Naruto stumbled into the street. "Did I do something wrong?" he asked, walking right back into the building for the sake of being stubborn.

The same Nurse Joy, somehow behind the same desk (or maybe it was a different one) stared at him but said nothing.

Naruto slowly inched passed her field of vision.

Inside the pokemon center was a small throng of people who were simply hanging around on the main floor. Male Tamer's chatted quietly, often with Pokedex's or other electronics out, while pokegirls also chatted or glared at one another. There was a stifling blanket of hush that Naruto hadn't expected: the very same terse blanket that shinobi used in covert ops.

And were there human females? Given it was Jiraiya's world, that was pretty questionable. Was every female one of these pokegirls?

"Hey," a strong, yet dulcet, tone grabbed at his attention.

Naruto turned around, not surprised, as he took in her image. She was fairly small, maybe a head shorter than him, and possessed on odd shade of sky-blue hair atop her head. Steely eyes were her other prominent feature.

She continued, "You're not from here, are you?"

Naruto smiled, because that's what Uzumaki Naruto did. "Right! I just got here." He extended a hand. "Uzumaki Naruto, person of pure awesome."

Because he was supposed to be undercover, or something. And the people on a different continent would look at him crazy if he told them what the Hokage was.

"Edo, huh?" the girl, because she was maybe a year or two younger than him, replied. There was something like relief in her voice. "You're a long way from home. And my name is Astra." She shook his hand.

Naruto didn't know what 'Edo' was, other than meaning 'reborn' and a word used in the most unholy of jutsu, but he was a long way from home. "Yeah. I'm a bit far from home, but I've got Pervy-sage with me. Sometimes."

He missed Konoha.

(That's the childhood indoctrination at work.)

"Actually I'm kind of lost," he admitted before she could reply.

Astra perked up before deflating. Like a bubble person who popped herself. "You don't really want to be lost in Amethyst. It's not the greatest place."

Naruto blinked, hero complex kicking in like an explosion of youth. "What's wrong?" he asked as the pair shuffled off to one wall of the room. Not really a conscious effort, but a thing that people did.

"The people here aren't very kind to pokegirls here, to put it lightly. 'Enslaved' might be more accurate," she almost whispered. More of a muted hush, but her voice was pretty high.

Naruto's fist clenched. Fire rose behind his eyes, casting sapphire shadows everywhere he looked: Astra's face was touched blue. "And the pokegirls allow it?" he stated evenly.

An even growl.

The bluenettes features sunk with her gaze. "There's not much they can do."

"Nothing can be done if you've already given up!"

It's worth noting that any kyuubi-esque features were not gained when angry, given the loss of his chakra.

A few nearby tamers and pokegirls glanced at them for a moment, but decided not to intrude on what was perceived as a private conversation.

Naruto paused; he wasn't fighting someone with his fists, so his declaration was probably pretty odd. But, he'd always fought better with his heart exposed and beating truths in them.

"That's… sometimes having hope just isn't enough," she protested, but her eyes glistened lightly as she gazed at him.

"Hope doesn't mean anything," Naruto dismissed callously, "The only thing that matters is guts, and the will to never surrender!"

He lectured quieter this time. Stop cringing.

"You…" she just stared; it wasn't good or bad.

"The only thing worse than giving up is looking down on someone for something they couldn't choose for themselves. Hating, oppressing, using living people for their own ends! That's despicable."

Naruto rolled a verbal D20, as his words rolled past any justification she constructed.

Thankfully, a considerate magic type cast a barrier over him once he started to get loud. Only Astra heard what he had to say.

And, perhaps, the pokegirl who cast the silencing ward was sympathetic to his thoughts and truths. The oppressed never wished to be so.

"You," Astra sighed in relief, "You said you're lost right? I think I'll go with you, if you'll let me."

A navigator and a friend? How could he say no? His teeth pinged.

"Of course!"

Astra looked away from the whites of his teeth, blinded. "Thank you." Gratitude poured from her cheeks as Astra dared to look into his smile.

She bared her own teeth to match his.

* * *

Naruto stayed in the pokegirl center that night. He would've hit the road to escape this place, but Pervy-sage had left him destitute. So now he was stuck in this city, where it was all too common to treat people as second class beings. Now that it had been pointed out to him it was all too apparent.

"Tamers earn a wage," Naruto was informed after he complained about Jiraiya's money-stealing habits for too long.

"Wait, really?"

"Left unsaid about a tamer's job description, is that they are used as a standing militia. And they keep tabs on other areas without League presence."

"Huh."

"In fact," she plowed on, "the Gym System is in place to judge the level of emergencies tamers are capable of handling. And tamers with the amount of badges they called for are required to handle any threat-level the League has asked for."

So, the gym battles were the League's way of ranking missions? Not as cool as ninja, but still pretty neat.

"Yes," she replied.

"How did you-You can read minds!" Naruto shouted at her.

The walls of a pokegirl center were soundproof. Very soundproof. The beds were bolted down and made of sturdy metal as well.

' _That's total bullshit! She's like a Yamanaka that just lives in my head!'_

"That's true, but from what I can tell a Yamanaka is more talented is more talented at rearranging minds than reading them."

Naruto froze; she knew everything.

Her gaze was upon him, bearing a gift that was wrapped up in pity. What that gift was he couldn't say. "Yes," she said gently.

Naruto decided to ignore that reaction. He said nothing.

This time, it was her turn to change the subject. "Have you used your Pokedex yet?" she asked.

Naruto nodded, slowly. "Yeah. It just tells me what pokegirl is nearby."

She laughed softly. He must have said something hysterical to get that reaction out of her. "It does that, yes. But it's also a communication device, accesses the internet, your bank account, and ID all in one."

Naruto looked at the hunk of reflective plastic he held in his hands. "That's a lot of stuff."

He tapped the button on the side, and the electronics revved up. "Loner, the Wayward Pokegirl" it read. There were lots of words beneath that, but it was good to know what she was.

"Be careful not to take everything it says too serious," she advised. "The Pokedex is merely showing you a synopsis of my species as a whole, not me."

Naruto was silent for a moment, before thinking of something else to talk about. "I found a travelling companion," he offered. Just how far did her mind reading powers go? Did he even need to talk?

"Talking is mostly unnecessary, yes," she agreed. "And the female you found is… interesting."

"Interesting how?" Naruto asked, totally confused.

"I think," she answered with a coy smile, "that I won't tell you. The Prank King of Konoha can appreciate a good surprise, yes?"

Naruto grumbled; it always felt good to be a source of amusement. Somewhat spitefully, he began to read the summary of her species.

"What's evolution?" Pervy-sage hadn't explained that.

She sighed. "Evolution is a drastic physical change a pokegirl undergoes when she interacts with an object of elemental power, instinct, or simply a change that denotes a 'girl has grown in power. For example, your homosexual lover Sasuke-"

"Hey!"

"-changed into a demon-like form when using the power of… Orochimaru's cursed seal. For a pokegirl that change would be permanent."

"Sasuke and me aren't-"

"Sasuke and I," she corrected.

"-Sasuke and I, whatever, aren't lovers!" Naruto cried indignant at the grammar check and accusation.

"You aren't? Didn't you share your first kiss?"

"No."

"Are sure? Because I-"

"No."

"Really?"

"Nope. Nope. Nope. Noppity nope."

She hummed lightly, almost sensual. "I can see why you would be in denial. That kiss-"

"Nope. There was no kiss."

"-didn't seem very pleasant," she purred. In a flash of psychic energy she appeared behind Naruto and began talking to his neck. "All teeth, gums, and blood. None of the soft sensual movements of sensitive lips meeting."

Naruto might've wretched at the idea if he wasn't so aroused.

"Mmhm, virgins," she moaned, "So easy to get started. And so delightfully shy."

Her hands began roaming places they probably shouldn't traditionally go. She pressed up behind him and let her breasts mash against his back.

"You…" Naruto tried to say before his words were cut off.

She had licked at his earlobe.

And then teleported away.

It took a moment to sink in. "The hell do you keep doing that for?!"

What he didn't expect was for her to reply in his head. ' _You're just too easy. And the face you make when I disappear is just so delicious.'_

Pervy-sage must really get off on his suffering after all.

Moments later, pieces started to click in Naruto's head. All of her actions and habits painted only one picture.

"She's just fucking with me!" Naruto shouted.

* * *

Hours later, when she had returned from wherever she had explored (See?! He could read!), Naruto glared at her squatly.

There was also the whole "Teleporting in right as I was trying to fall asleep thing".

"You have a question," she prompted, ignoring his indignation with grace.

Naruto had a lot of questions: a number of them had profanity. It was late and he was almost asleep, and he was certain she did it on purpose.

But he had the question from earlier that he was going to ask, too tired to start a fight.

"So why do you evolve into a heroine?" he asked sleepily, vaguely keeping his senses open for the important reply.

She paused for a moment, and gave him a quizzical look. Then, her posture slumped and her gaze slid to the corner of the room.

"My fear of crowds is not something that a number of my species, much less I, relish. It's cruelly ingrained into my very genetics, when all I really wanted was to not be alone. And when you're alone, not by your own choice, you make some desperate decisions, yes?"

' _Troublesome.'_

Her lips quirked. "When you're alone when you do not wish to be, there are two choices you can make. You can desperately seek attention, people, the indescribable sensation of 'not-alone'," Naruto was the recipient of a very meaningful look. "Or you can make your own company, to accept loneliness."

Naruto had woken up fully, and propped himself against the headboard to stare into her eyes, the shade of cracked purple.

"So I had time to think. Contemplate. Be alone. They say that you desperately want what you cannot have. You want respect, acknowledgement, and family. I want to escape the crippling weakness I've been cursed with. I want to be in the limelight, to be somebody to someone, and I want to be able to do something."

"I might not be able to do much, but I want to do as much as I can. Because no one else will try if I don't start."

Naruto understood. He, an orphan with a curse wanted to rise above and prove that he was who he was despite the curse. She was someone cursed to wander alone without attachment, who wanted to attach herself to the world.

Naruto understood what it was like to fall in love. Not puppy love like he had for Sakura, but to fall with his soul into a pool of starry-eyed stares.

She was beautiful.

And of course she knew that.

A tear slipped from her eye despite herself. Psychic powers were a cheat when she could feel the emotional connection strengthen, feel his mind accept her. To feel the moment one fell in love.

"Thank you."

Naruto had no reply; that was okay: she heard him anyways.

* * *

"So where do you suggest we head to?" Naruto asked, scratching his neck.

Astra glared. "It would help if you knew where you wanted to go!"

Naruto didn't want to confess that he had no plan and no clue what he was doing. He shot a pleading glance to the pokegirl at his side.

She looked slightly uncomfortable; three was a crowd, it seemed. "I would recommend the Blue League. They are moderate in their views, and there is the largest tournament in the world held there next month. In other words, opportunity, yes?"

Naruto nodded enthused, desperate to get away from the horrible phase where they all debated where to go but wanted someone else to decide. Even Astra looked content at the choice.

"The Blue League it is!" Naruto stated for no real reason.

"Have you given any thought to the Gym Challenge?" the Loner asked his eyes, taking possession of them momentarily.

Was there any doubt? It was a test of ranking not unlike the Chunin Exams: of course he was doing the gym challenge. "Believe it."

"Of course," she murmured, looking remarkably pleased with herself before she looked away.

Without warning she departed in a flicker of magenta energies.

"I hate it when she does that," Naruto muttered, mostly used to it by then.

"Very rarely do tamers tolerate the odd habits of a Loner," Astra added like she was quoting something. "They're definitely not the most popular breed,"

Yeah, that habit was a little annoying. Still he liked her (hadn't even brainstormed names as his mind kept getting distracted) despite actively fucking with him.

"I like her," Naruto countered simply.

"She seems a little bit different from what the 'dex suggests," Astra easily allowed. "Definitely more playful and social than average."

'Playful' and 'Social' were code for 'Massive Dick', the blonde thought.

' _Massive Dick would be a Dildoqueen, Naruto,'_ she reprimanded from wherever she had scampered off to.

Naruto did not want to know what a Dildoqueen was; he felt he'd be happier that way. Regardless, he pulled out his Pokedex and clumsily typed in an entry, much to Astra's confusion.

"She's not playful; she's a troll," Naruto explained. "But I called her a massive dick and she redirected me here."

Naruto couldn't bring himself to read past the title 'Dildoqueen, the Shemale Pokegirl'. That was okay: there was a picture presented. It featured a mind-blowingly attractive woman wearing casual clothing that was just tight enough to outline a bulge that started for her genitals all the way up to the top of her overly large breasts.

Massive dick indeed; Naruto felt inadequate. Despite being a protagonist, and the large penis that implied, he couldn't measure up to even half that length. Which was good, given that the Dildoqueen in the picture was the record holder.

He reluctantly showed the entry to Astra, who hissed at the size of the penis. "That's just, how would that even fit?" she looked at her own torso and tried to estimate how long that cock was. "But a Dildoqueen is taller than me, and that penis would have to be thicker than my leg. I mean, I've heard of Dildoqueens before… but really?"

Naruto blushed at the blatant sex talk. Pervy-sage liked to fancy himself an author and talked around sex.

(Heh)

"I wouldn't even be able to scream because the cock would be coming out of my throat," she finished with rosy cheeks. Almost like she was considering that idea.

Naruto's imagination was completely fried. It wasn't like Astra was unattractive.

Not knowing what to say, he put his Pokedex away, missing the next entry. He was beginning to think Pervy-sage didn't create this world. Or worse, if he did his tastes were even weirder and more depraved than Naruto felt possible.

"Just, I know Sukebe altered our biology to handle larger penises, but I think that's beyond our limitation."

One word stood out. "Our?" Naruto asked.

"Well, yeah. After a couple centuries human women have pokegirl genetics in them. Sorta like how breast size went up three cups with the introduction of bloom powder but on a larger timeline."

The image of all that women of Konoha gaining three cup sizes at once took over Naruto's already frazzled imagination. Tsunade would have mountain sized mounds. Hinata might get Tsunade-sized boobs. (Sakura might have normal boobs.)

"A huh," Naruto replied brainlessly.

Before he could reply with something intelligent, his (sorta) pokegirl sent an image across their link. She gained three cup-sizes all at once, completely tearing through her top.

Naruto's higher brain functions (a joke in and of itself) shut down. Luckily he didn't use those much.

Astra looked over at her blonde companion and realized that he was halfway comatose. "Sorry for the mini-lecture."

"Nah, it's alright," he said absently.

' _Boobs,'_ he presently thought.

"So why do you want to go with me? Aside from getting out of here." Naruto asked, determined not to think about breasts like Pervy-sage.

Anyone who's tried not to think about something could tell you that Naruto still was, in fact, thinking about breasts.

"Not really," she shrugged casually, showing her identity as a teenager. "Never really wanted to be a tamer, not lesbian enough, and I've never thought about anything else I want to do."

The part of Naruto still thinking about boobs was very disappointed that Astra wasn't lesbian.

The blonde shrugged in reply. "That's fine. Pretty sure you'll find something you want to do before long."

The bluenette nodded. "I know. I just, feel that I'm meant to be something more than I am now. Hopefully I can find out what while travelling with you. Some destiny that I've escaped and need to rediscover."

Triggered. "There's no such thing a destiny," Naruto denied, smoke curling from his fiery words. "Life is only what you make of it. What you want it to be. There's no plan or imaginary constraints binding you."

"Ah, sorry. Bad word choice." Astra put her hands up in surrender.

Naruto was going to lay Neji flat when he got back to Konoha, just because. Or he'd pimp him out for cash that Pervy-sage kept stealing. Both would be real funny.

"Ehehe, sorry about that. I knew a guy-" Neji was too embarrassing to know in the present tense, "-who would not stop using that word. Just hearing it makes me want to punch his face in again."

Astra gave him an amused look, it made Naruto blush a little and burn with rage all at once. It might be better to say that it pumped red passion through his veins.

I'm keeping both descriptions to pump word count. Hate me, more, harder please.

She turned semi-serious afterwards. "How are we going to travel to the Blue League?"

Naruto shrugged; he was broke, because Pervy-sage, but other than that: "I have no clue."

Astra glared a little, reminded of their really dumb argument from before. She caught herself before she could descend to his level, the dumbass one. "We could take a flight pokegirl because the Blue League is really close. But it's a little pricey and there'd be no adventuring," she offered.

"Yeah, no. Pervy-sage stole all my money. Again." Why did he like the pervert?

"Who's 'Pervy-sage'?"

"Jiraiya." If she went on a rant about Pervy-sage's manliness he'd off himself and save Akatsuki the trouble.

Astra clicked her tongue. "I should have known." One moment later, "Wait. No I shouldn't! How do you even know Great Master Jiraiya?"

"I'm his student."

"Woah. Why does he keep stealing your money? I mean, isn't he loaded?"

"Yes! Yes that pervert is rich as hell! I have no idea why he keeps raiding my wallet, other than him being such a cheap ass!"

You'd be pissed as well if someone habitually raided your wallet. Especially if the person who kept taking your cash was rich.

"One day, I'm going to beat his ass into the ground. That's a promise!"

Astra looked amused again. Probably because Naruto was half overreacting for her own amusement. The other half of him was honestly pissed that Pervy-sage kept nabbing his money.

"Shouldn't he owe you some money then? You should just call and ask," she pointed out.

Naruto laughed like she said something funny. Then Naruto laughed like she said something horrible. Then Naruto laughed, the wheezing chuckle of a broken, sobbing man.

He muttered bitterly, "Pervy-sage parting with his precious cash?" Another laugh came out, mostly in quiet tears.

"Well, I guess we'll be going by foot then."

She sweatdropped as Naruto wailed on his knees, crying for something or someone named 'Gama-chan.'

* * *

"Well fuck you too Pervy-sage!"

* * *

It was night again. The moon, the only whole reminder of this world's past, glistened in the night sky as it pulsed down upon them in oppressive silver sheen.

She, Naruto's still nameless pokegirl, watched over the slumbering form of her soon-to-be tamer. He had exhausted all of his patience and energy screaming at his master over the phone.

Perhaps screaming was the wrong. Both of the males in question had far too much enjoyment in their banter (?) to be described as screaming. How one could take enjoyment from all the loud shouts and insults was something that the brunette couldn't fathom.

She pursed her black lips, idly wondering if she'd enjoy impassioned arguments like that if she evolved. The idea wasn't entirely unappealing.

Naruto curled into his pillow a little tighter, gouging holes into it with his desperate grip. His memories were sad, almost enough to break her from its subjugated weight. The bonds he formed were airtight to him, but he hurt and was hurting.

The Loner watched carefully, pondering.

His memories also called into question everything the brunette thought she knew of this world's history. The creature, Jirachi, had elements that obviously inspired this one. Repeating its name and unable to do anything else, much like a pokegirl in taming shock.

She desperately wanted access to Jiraiya's head, certain that answers to all her questions were present there. The snippets she had from Naruto's memory suggested that much. The loner had gotten nothing but blankness from him, like a Dark-type, when he had talked to her earlier about accompanying his student.

The Loner was damningly certain that her attachment to Naruto was no coincidence. The man obviously knew his student's mind like he knew the erogenous zones on a female, and had probed her enough to see the potential and sudden entanglement.

With an almost lovelorn sigh, she ripped apart the boundaries of space with nary a thought.

The scene changed, but not much. All the rooms in a pokegirl center were identical. The occupants, however, were very different.

Astra squeaked in fear as she saw her appear. The cry of someone with something to fear.

And she feared, the Loner had long since peered into the depths of her mind. Ever since the moment they meant, she knew the secret the bluenette was desperately fearful for.

"Oh, it's just you," Astra breathed in relief.

Her violet eyes shone brighter than the moonlight streaming in through the dampening curtain. The eerie sort of purple light that was associated with witches and the arcane, nothing like the royal shade. Astra stared, captivated.

"Why do you hide the truth?" she asked, knowing how her actions came across and relishing in it.

The Loner saw her surface thoughts, saw her memories, but she couldn't see why the other girl felt she had to hide.

"I just…" she trailed off, thoughts in her head a tumultuous tumble, unreadable.

The sheer amount of thoughts in her head was indicative of only one thing: anxiety. Whether she was anxious because of herself or the secret that Astra kept was something that she couldn't ascertain.

"I'm scared," she finished.

Those words had a certain power to them, a finality. She supposed they could be accepted; she wouldn't pry any further, verbally.

But she needed a push. A reason to break past her fears. The lights behind her eyes dimmed slightly in understanding, empathy.

"Of course you're scared. You're alone," the Loner said, voice cold as the pale light filtering through the gaps covering the window.

And she departed, leaving Astra to the mercy of the night. She took the light behind her eyes with her, leaving shivering steel eyes to fend off the dark.

* * *

"My," a teasing voice said, trading the silence of sleep for a sexual one, "if this is what I have to look forward to I might stop running away."

To say Naruto woke up would come disturbingly close to a lie. It would be more accurate to say that he was already awake.

His pillow flew to his defense, protecting his chastity from pervy-eyes. "Stop it," he commanded, the scene coming way too close to the traumatic memory of the maids.

"Aw, most young men would be delighted to have a 'girl like me making passes at them," her statement was completed with a saucy stretch of her arms, thrusting her chest forward.

She wasn't wearing her cloak; Naruto's mind fried, too early for this level of teasing. Because that's all she was, a tease.

"Alas, you know me so well. But the view is nice, yes?"

The view _was_ nice. Lovely even.

She descended on him, mouth nearing his with predatory teeth on display. Naruto's brain short circuited for the second time in his very short morning.

"Thank you, and you're welcome," she pushed hot, choking breaths up his nostrils. The brunette's amethyst eyes bored into his with the playful spark Naruto was beginning to like.

She kissed his nose.

Do I need to tell you that she left?

"She's such a tease," Naruto muttered, not really bitter. The moisture on his nose kind of burned but he couldn't bring himself to wipe it off. It would evaporate soon enough from the heat on his cheeks.

' _So cute,'_ the blonde heard her say.

"Gah!" Naruto shouted in surprise. He was kinda glad she left because he didn't have to deal with a lot of the fallout.

Kinda glad, because any fallout in his imagination involved some pretty awesome things.

' _My what an odd fetish you have,'_ she said, obviously taking residence in his imagination. ' _Penetration, how kinky.'_

"Penetration isn't a fetish you fucking tease!" Naruto shouted at the wall, before he heard what he just said. He almost fell over from the volume of blood running to his head.

The worst part was her laughter ringing through his head, joyful and excessively sensual.

Naruto gave up, glared balefully at his penis that was playing right into her teasing hands, and got ready for the day.

* * *

Pervy-sage liked arguing apparently, because when Naruto had looked at his 'Dex in the morning the legendary shinobi had wired him some funds. He got marginally more tolerable in the blonde's mind for the moment.

That was kind of their relationship. Mutually dick on each other until they did something decent enough to make up for it. Apparently, in his excitement to not be broke Naruto forgot that Pervy-sage owed him that money back anyways.

Except when shinobi stole stuff they did it for realsies, so in a sense Jiraiya did give Naruto money.

"So that screaming match you had yesterday actually paid off?" Astra paused, "in a literal sense?"

"Well, yeah. Pervy-sage may be a sadistic asshole, but he doesn't leave me completely on my own," Naruto said, somewhat enthused.

His excitement to being in the black was dulled by being dragged off for a shopping trip. Because apparently walking the miles to the Blue League required actual supplies and preparation. Which made sense to Naruto, being a shinobi and having to prepare for extended missions. Although, typically he shoved some money at Kakashi's mask to make him prepare for the mission.

He had forgotten his tent, sleeping roll, and everything else except ramen on his first mission to Wave. And he had bitched about it the whole time, so Naruto and Kakashi were both happier for that arrangement. That said, being cold and miserable in the middle of nowhere while his teammates were well off made him remember some of the supplies he needed.

"So you're telling me that one store sells everything? What about… competition and stuff?" Naruto replied.

Astra looked at him with that familiar expression of amusement Naruto was beginning to detest. "You must've suckled on a silver spoon if you don't even know what a pokemart is," she remarked, piecing together what she knew of his history together.

Raised by a rich as hell man yet still naive? That's the mark of a pampered child. And in most cases she'd be right.

In this case, the opposite is true. Naruto scowled at the very accusation that he grew up spoiled.

Astra continued, "Pokemarts are league subsidized. There is competition, but the stores have to go through the league in order to have a blue roof. That means everything in these stores are quality supplies backed by the word of the league. You can get cheaper prices other places, but the quality is suspect because if it was up to snuff then they'd be blue-roofed."

Naruto processed maybe half of that information. He did understand what the points she made though.

As Astra all but skipped through the automatic glass doors, the genin felt that he'd be poor once again.

When Naruto caught up to her inside the store, he found that she already had a basket elbow deep with supplies. Maybe he had taken to long admiring the shiny stuff on the shelves before he caught up to her.

"You sure we need all of that?" Naruto asked skeptically. He'd trust her judgement, he _was_ new to this, but wanted to weed out anything frivolous.

Astra rifled through the supplies with one hand. "Medical supplies, bed roll, tent, some spare pokeballs, solar-powered charger, and some nutrient bars," she listed. "I'd say they're all necessary."

Naruto watched as she had rattled it all off. He approved, not much else to say. She definitely knew what she was doing.

For some reason everyone else was looking at him strangely. Naruto was used to looks of admiration for his overwhelming awesome, or the mean glares of misunderstood people. He ignored it with hard-earned practice.

"Just one tent?" Naruto asked. It wasn't really uncommon for ninja given the old adage that there was safety in numbers, but she seemed to be a normal civilian.

A cool one who wanted adventure, Naruto was pretty sure they'd be close friends in short order, but still a civilian.

"Ah, well," Astra looked away, "I don't really have any money of my own, so I'd hate to impose."

Naruto empathized: getting a freebie was like getting pity. No one wanted pity. Well, the ones to be pitied didn't want it.

The looks he received got even weirder. "I feel you. It'll be fine."

Ninja were immune to sexual urges anyways. And Naruto was a ninja made of awesome.

Isn't it wonderful how the last paragraph was all lies?

Astra, however, wilted under the looks. The blonde wished they'd just look away. "I mean, you're already doing so much for me already, and I just don't think I'd be able to ask for much else."

Oddly, the attention they had from other people in the store mostly stopped. Normalcy returned or something.

They walked out of the store with a basket full of supplies.

"Didn't we forget to pay?" Naruto asked, confused. The ninja hoped he didn't steal.

Astra looked at him oddly before realization settled across her features. "Oh, no, we didn't. As we walked out of the store it recorded everything we bought, totalled it up, and charged your Pokedex with the sensors at the door."

Really? All of this new technology around here was just so useful. And easily weaponized. No doubt Kakashi-sensei would have made some sort of contraption to kill a bunch of people because all this machinery just enabled laziness.

Naruto checked his Pokedex to see if his account really did take the hit. Astra looked at the device with a fearful expression well-hidden in her eyes.

Instead of his bank account, the scanner function popped up. Naruto had no idea why this cool shit had to act up.

The screen lit up with an entry. An invisible pokegirl would be pretty neat, and weaponizable.

The 'Dex entry popped up.

The picture held a figure wearing ordinary blue jeans, a nondescript pink T-shirt, and sky-blue hair.

' _It captured her pretty features well,'_ Naruto noted.

He stared at the trembling and nervous form of Astra with confusion. Why did she try to hide?

The stares, the hate, and the oppression rushed Naruto all at once. He understood.

Pocketing the 'Dex, Naruto approached her slowly without a word. The basket she held trembled with the shaky movements in her arm.

Naruto took the moment to stare in her eyes, steel gray with none of the strength of metal. Broken, beaten, resigned. Naruto belatedly realized that he was staring her down, since she was shorter.

Astra flinched as she was pulled into a hug, before melting into his arms. She stopped her trembling by squeezing him tighter.

' _Oh?'_ The Loner said in Naruto's mind. His loner, because she wasn't alone. She totally ruined the moment he had been having.

Naruto did, in fact, read Icha Icha. You can tell by the cliched, romantic rot he was pulling earlier. That garbage littered the novel when it wasn't indulging in softcore sex.

' _The deception ended sooner than I thought,'_ she continued in his mind.

Oh, so that was the secret. He felt like it should be bigger than that. Naruto began to mentally argue with his douchebag friend about secrets. It was all semantics. But he was totally right about a topic that didn't matter. How dare she disagree with him?

Astra was still having a moment though, and burrowed her way deeper into his arms as Naruto stole her heart. He was a ninja, that meant he was taking it for realsies. No take backs.

Blech.

* * *

 **Author's Note(s):**

Booyah! It's finished. Kinda, maybe, super happy about the way this turned out.

Characters: they exist, and I like the way they turned out. None of their pasts are explained to the other, but it's there. Happy with the way they turned out.

I also realized mid-chapter that because this fic is mostly dialogue that any character description I put in immediately rings the 'this is a main character' bell. So for the most part I cut off Astra's description in order to deceive you just a little bit. It'll turn up somewhere.

Astra's name is Greek in origin because the Amethyst League is located in the landmass surrounding the Mediterranean Sea. The Pokegirls World looks like a dystopian version of our world. By that, I mean it looks like a toddler took an eraser to the world map. The Blue League is located in England, and I intentionally left out thoughts of sea travel. In case you were wondering.

The lack of smut? Pushing it back. As far as I can. He's a _virgin_. You can't put that in a sex scene. I'll probably gloss over it and shove it somewhere. Then, later, comes not-virgin sex.

Also, Naruto has inhibitions. Like coming from a monogamous, Japanese-esque culture to a polygamous one. What I do like about the pokegirls-verse is that it allows me to have females with actual personalities (gasp) since they're already acclimated to polygamy.

Plot? Oh yes, it's there. The plot ( _the precious_ ) is almost locked in, just fine tuning a few details.

Are you shocked there's plot? I am. A real plot from a universe that is all wish fulfillment. I'm so proud of myself.

The Fourth Wall: I, being the author, hope that the fourth wall breaks add to the reading experience, not detract from it. There's lots of them here because: A) This chapter isn't the most exciting, so an effort to compensate with humor was made B) Naruto isn't the greatest narrator, and in an effort to leave you guys with a more complete narrative I've got to burst in occasionally and C) The pokegirls-verse can't be taken seriously. If I do then I run the risk of letting a lot of bad things happen to this. If you feel that the Fourth Wall Breaks detract from story quality then, by all means, tell me.

Jiraiya is filling in the Manipulative Mentor role that he always wished that he could. Like JK Rowling thinks of Dumbledore, I think of Jiraiya. His cause is noble, and his goal just, but he's being manipulative for his own ends, and Naruto is too much of a dumbass to work with. That said, he does care about Naruto a lot. However, unlike other mentors, he is very self-depreciative and has a list of failures as his other students. He's willing to go the distance to make sure Naruto doesn't wind up like the others. Canon Jiraiya has not had an opportunity like this, and I feel Canon Jiraiya would've utilized this opportunity the same way. Naruto is a student who doesn't want to be taught, and his own efforts (Normal Bunshin), when not under pressure, often ends in failure. Essentially, Naruto just feels too safe with Jiraiya to learn anything.

Like, hell, Jiraiya drives off Itachi and teammate at the beginning of the series. Of course Naruto feels safe. And thusly, he learns nothing on the training journey.

I've got a couple of open slots for potential pokegirls, but a number of them won't stick with him throughout his journey.

Sorry for the long A/N. It's the first (real) chapter.

Please, leave a review. Or a PM. Or a review asking me to PM you. I'll do anything. Really.

* * *

 **Omake**

 **His First Pokegirl (Or, What if Jiraiya was a Super-Sadist?)**

 **That M rating. It's here, not really.**

 _Knowing Pervy-sage it was the sexual equivalent of a bulldozer._

Naruto unshrunk the pokeball far too easily for comfort. Usually he'd struggle with it, be the butt of some joke, and karma decided to let him off relatively light.

He tossed it on the ground, and whatever was held inside was unsealed with a violent flare of pink light.

The figure was stunning. If there was ever a perfect pair of breasts, Naruto was staring right at them. Also, the figure was naked.

Wavy pink hair and the same fairy-like feature led the genin to think it was his teammate Sakura (which was a whole slew of other problems in and of itself) but the breasts disproved that theory at first, and the closer Naruto looked he could see differences.

Namely, the elfin ears and fairy wings protruding from her back.

And the salacious grin Sakura would never wear.

The look of pure sexual predation in her eyes.

"Jiraiya has told me to loosen you up," she purred, her eyes lighting up as she advanced. "Through any means possible."

Hentaicute, the Make Men Feel Inadequate Pokegirl. A pokegirl with a planet sized sexual appetite, the ability to perform body modifications on the spot, and can change size at will. And with enough endurance to fuck through a city without stopping.

Naruto knew none of this. He gulped in fear and excitement anyways.

He dove for the pokeball, hoping (praying) that he could make it in time and reseal her before he was sexually assaulted.

He was blocked by a shockingly fast pokegirl, and folded face first into her breasts. She gripped his shoulders tight as she smiled down at him, all teeth and lust.

His clothes were annihilated. The naked and stacked woman descended onto him, unrelenting.

Naruto folded to her will, some long since thought dead self-preservation instincts having kicked in.

* * *

"Damn," Jiraiya said with a glass of alcohol and ice in his hand. Y'know, watching his student get raped. "Even I'm not into that."

He cringed. Maybe he miscalculated.

One of the women at his side spoke up. "If you're never going to do that, then can I join them?"

"No," he shot back reflexively.

He looked closer at what was happening and blinked. "Is that even possible?"

"Obviously," a bitter harem-girl muttered.

For the first time in a long time, Jiraiya felt sorry for what he did to Naruto. And given that he tossed the kid down a ravine without a second thought, that was saying something.

His face paled; Jiraiya needed something between himself and that sexual monster.

 **Omake End**

 **The Not Omake**

Neji felt a disturbance in the angst.

 **Not Omake End.**


	3. Chapter 3, Adventure Pt 1

**Chapter 3 - The Plot (** _ **the precious)**_ **Begins**

 **Maybe**

 **All credit to this chapter belongs to everyone who has followed, favorited, or reviewed this fanfic. You people are wonderful, and it's your support that helps me put out chapters. Thank you.**

 **And me. Because I wrote it.**

* * *

That feeling of a pokemon journey. Y'know the one. That unstoppable feeling of adventure rushing through the veins as the heart palpitates faster than eyes can drink in the scenery.

That's the one.

Add that to Naruto's already over-abundant jitters. He was vibrating, bouncing, and bobbing up and down like a jackhammer without a driver.

"This is awesome," he said, for the seventeenth time already.

Astra had already resorted to keeping a count. Because a pokegirl adventure is much less exciting when you're the objectified harem-girl. That said, she was happy to be leaving the Amethyst League.

"That's seventeen," she reported wearily, his exuberance already having worn her patience thin.

Naruto ignored her with all the grace of a man drugged to the gills on life. That is to say, none at all. "This is awesome," he repeated.

"...Eighteen."

Coming close to teleporting, Naruto abruptly arrived in her face-bubble. His admittedly attractive features were assuredly less so when slammed into her features without warning.

Also, his breath smelled like breakfast.

"What type of pokegirls are there in this route?" Naruto asked, rapidfire.

Did his tongue just touch her lips in the gross, unsexy way? Astra kind of hoped so because otherwise that was spittle. Both options were disgusting.

The bluenette would've head butted him were Naruto's head not idiot proof, and thusly hard as hell.

"You're not planning on taming any of them, are you?" she asked, turning the temperature down a few degrees while she was at it. If there were 'lies to children', then Astra practiced 'lies to exuberant man-children to make them shut up'.

Naruto backed a step away; good, that was her goal for the time being. "Uh, no?" he cowered away.

' _He has a mild case of gynophobia,'_ the Loner informed her out of the blue. Sudden telepathy was much further in her bubble than the unsexy face to face Naruto provided. Astra would've reprimanded her if she thought it would've done anything besides fill the brunette with joy.

' _Aw, you know me so well,'_ she snarked.

"Good." Astra relented, showing nothing of the sudden psychic intrusion. It was an acquired talent the pokegirl wished she didn't have.

"But, uh, what pokegirls are on this route?" Naruto pressed lightly. Feather light.

Astra glared at his bouncing form. Bouncing. She scowled. "Dangerous ones. This route is not safe. At all."

So dangerous that she would suggest they not traverse it if they couldn't suddenly teleport out. There were a lot of predators making a perfect food chain, and they were at the bottom.

The unique climate that was found there was to blame for all the unique and powerful ferals that made residence along the route. The seaside air and steady climate quickly made way for a tightly forested mountain. The ground that was present had fell into the ocean during the great war, so there was a beach and then great snow-frosted peaks.

' _You're welcome. Teleporting is my aesthetic.'_

"They can't be that bad," Naruto protested lightly. Less feather light, more like the pound of feathers that most definitely weighed more than a pound of bricks.

"Not dangerous?" Astra asked rhetorically, her amused smile slightly manic. An excuse to ruin Naruto's _excessively_ good mood popped into her mind.

' _I would've ruined his good mood if you asked nicely.'_

"The least dangerous things in this route are Annts. And they capture then eat people and pokegirls."

' _Did you know he's scared of ghosts?'_

"That's not bad," Naruto rebutted. Of course he would say that: the blonde was tough and chewy and gave indigestion.

"Did I mention that they're ten times stronger than us and come in swarms of hundreds?" she replied.

There was just something about someone so happy that set her in attack mode. Maybe it was the way that her eyes instinctively tracked his constant, never-end motion.

"You might have missed that," Naruto said, rubbing the back of her neck.

Astra's eyes softened and her instinctual smile crawled across her face; that was cute. And quiet. Less shouty. All good things.

And the way he scowled when the blonde thought she was laughing at him was also appealing. Definitely better than bouncing.

"I might have also missed that the Annts have a natural predator. The Tarantella and its evolutions keep the Annt population from exploding."

"And what's so bad about those?" Naruto asked, intrigued at this point.

"They'll rape you. Then they'll eat you."

Naruto blinked at her a couple times before muttering something under his breath. Astra only caught 'Pervy-sage'. By now she was used to his profanity filled rants against his master, but she couldn't figure out why he was cursing at Great Master Jiraiya: traumatic memories?

Astra decided to continue; maybe, he might gain a measure of caution. That would be novel.

"Did I mention that this route is infamous for its ghost types?" she asked, waiting for his explosive reaction.

"Ghosts, huh?" Naruto was nonchalant. Too chill, like he had frozen over in fear.

Astra pulled out the Pokedex and quickly dismissed her species entry; it was annoying that popped up every time. "Yeah. Vampires being the worst among them."

"And what do 'Vampires' do?" Naruto asked, tempting her like he didn't care.

Astra smiled, amused. Her smile grew more amused when she saw his anger. "They capture you with their superior speed. And then they bite your neck, turning you into a pokegirl and then into a Vampire."

Naruto froze; that description probably hit every single one of his insecurities.

Astra carried on like her soon-to-be tamer wasn't having a mental breakdown. "In terms of good news there's Dark Elves here. They keep order for the most part and are friendly, to males."

"Oh… That's, good?"

Well, she had fried his mind. Astra would leave it to the Loner to piece it back together. In the meantime they'd walk until hitting something interesting.

' _You did better than I thought you would. There's almost real damage in there.'_

Wasn't there already, Astra thought to herself. Naruto was a lot of things: charming, charismatic, and oblivious. But there was also something broken that she could see after only a few days of association.

' _True, there's already damage and more complexes than I'd care to count. You have a good eye for detail.'_

Of course she did. It would be hard to be so fabulous otherwise.

Somewhere unseen, the Loner smiled at Astra, all indulgence. ' _Your personality is so cute. I love you, in a carnal, lesbian way. I dream of that cute personality broken into tatters as you stare into my eyes, screaming.'_

Astra flushed cherry red; it didn't match her blue hair at all. And she knew that the Loner was just fucking with her head, but the imagery she was provided was just too evocative to not let her own imagination call up the scene she described.

The erotic painting was quickly dismissed from her mind because she wasn't lesbian.

I think bi-sexually inclined is the politically correct way of phrasing it. But oh well.

' _Yet,'_ she contested. Astra could hear her salacious smile.

* * *

Naruto was disappointed; the tamers on this route were totally out of his league. Apparently the dangers present scared away all but the most experienced or foolish travellers. Naruto probably fell into both categories at once.

And it was pretty boring. His douchebag friend was off wandering somewhere and Astra had just calmed down from whatever bug made females angry randomly, and he wanted to avoid a relapse.

Geez, he almost missed Pervy-sage. Sure they fought constantly, but at least it wasn't boring. No one could accuse Jiraiya of being boring.

The Pokedex blinked to life with an annoying message present. It was nice that it alerted them whenever they were close to someone, but it got annoying after the second time. Apparently it was a useful feature if he was ever in dire straights, and Naruto could see it, but for now it was mostly a nuisance.

The person caught up to them in short order. He was annoyingly tall, with brown hair and handsome, if forgettable, features. He slowed down his tall strides to match pace with the blonde's own.

Naruto wanted to huff at him, but decided he might be good for conversation. The Pokedex had a lot of depressing statistics and red lights telling him not to challenge the man, because he was super experienced.

"So, where are you headed?" Naruto asked at last. His pride grated on his tongue to challenge the guy. Maybe he'd wait until he could actually call himself a tamer.

"The Blue League," he answered easily in the deep baritone tall people had. "Think I'm going to hit up the World Championships after all these years."

"You dropped out of the battling scene?" Naruto asked.

"Yeah, had a few evolutions that didn't agree with the nomadic lifestyle of a professional battler. So I retired," he agreed, affable.

"Were you any good?" Naruto asked already knowing the answer. He had the same feeling when he saw Jiraiya for the first time. The man was peeping and unimpressive, but something in his posture just screamed legendary.

"Was I any good?" he seemed amused. "I was the best! The circuit was in an uproar with every match I had and all the long odds I broke through. Though it seems the new generation hasn't really heard of me," he trailed off.

Naruto stated skeptically at him. Maybe it was Jiraiya in disguise. They were the same height, favored the same ponytail, and walked with ego oozing from their form.

"You headed to the Blue League too?" he asked, long legs taking slow steps.

"Yeah, just had to get away from the Amethyst League," Naruto explained. "My name is Uzumaki Naruto," he introduced himself. Trying to proclaim he was pure awesome in front of someone who might be Jiraiya was a no go.

"Yeah, unless you're from Amethyst most people try to pass through quickly. And I'm Alexander the Great." He paused; the awkward silence when someone paused for a joke filled the silence. "Kids these days… just call me Alex."

Naruto was getting more suspicious by the second. He couldn't be older than forty but he talked like an old man. The chance of Jiraiya was rising.

"You're different from the other kids," he started, scratching his stubble just like Pervy-sage. "Most of you youngsters would've challenged me the moment I walked up."

Well, he hadn't been in a pokegirl battle yet. Like hell he was going to admit that though.

"We're a little too broke to challenge people out of our league," Astra cut in, having stayed silent earlier.

The man barked with laughter. "I remember being young and broke. Then I found the shortcut to greatness," he declared, arms spread wide with the word 'greatness'.

Was the shortcut to greatness being taught by the Third Hokage?

Naruto had to ask though, because he was all about shortcuts to awesome even if he believed in hard work. "And what's the shortcut?" he asked his master, eyes squinted.

"Sometimes, you just have to take a dick up your ass or a chain to your back to make it anywhere in this world," Alex nodded, sagely.

Naruto blinked. Alright, so he wasn't Jiraiya.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Naruto asked, mind frazzled.

"In order to earn the allegiance of some of the 'alpha' pokegirls quickly you've got to make some concessions. The strong usually aren't submissive, right?" the man explained.

Yeah, that made sense. "Right." Naruto was still reeling from the earlier comment.

"Not every pokegirl can be a Lucarda," he continued. "Well, the other way to greatness is patience. You can buy a Maggiemite for a truly sad amount of credits, maybe 10,000 of them. Depends on the month. And with a year of effort you could easily come out with a Mechdoll, a rank S pokegirl worth a billion credits."

That was… amazing. "Why doesn't everyone do that?" Naruto asked.

Alex aged about a year before his eyes. "It's a lot of effort. You have to deal with three bipolar 'girls before eventually falling in love with all three. It's not easy."

"You've got a Mechdoll?" Naruto asked.

Alex almost looked offended. A lot like Pervy-sage when his pride was poked at. "Of course."

His jacket grew a face out of the shoulder. A stunning female face with silvery hair that melded into the blue of his jacket. "Hello, Naruto, Astra," she greeted pleasantly.

Naruto wondered where she pulled his friend's name from. Or if being a jacket was comfortable.

"Mechdolls can't do that," Astra protested. Naruto never really got why ninjas and other people kept calling things impossible when they had clearly just done so.

Alex drew back while his pokegirl gained an indulgent smile. "Ordinary ones can't. Erica is anything but ordinary."

Astra raised her eyebrow skeptically. The genin sighed and glanced down at the Pokedex which agreed with them. "You're outnumbered!" Naruto told her. "Even the 'Dex is on our side."

Astra glanced at the electronic for a moment before admitting defeat. "Alright, it really is possible. Sorry."

The bluenette pronounced sorry in the same language Sasuke used. That was to say, she didn't even say sorry.

Alex changed the subject with all the maturity of an adult. He turned to Naruto. "C'mon kid. You want to go on an adventure with me?"

Adventure was ramen for the soul.

"Let's do it!" his teeth pinged, somehow.

"Good on you kid!" he exclaimed. "I don't know why everyone else keeps saying no."

"Perhaps because your idea of adventure is life threatening danger," Erica argued happily.

That just so happened to be Naruto's definition of adventure as well. Astra looked somewhat disconcerted, however. She would be another one of the pansies to wimp out when things become lethal. Wimp.

They moved off from the slightly worn dirt path to the packed forest by some unspoken agreement.

"Naruto!" Astra shouted in protest.

"Aw man! What's your problem? We've even got a chaperone!" Naruto rebutted as he moved between the trees. The were jammed so close together it felt like moving through a crowd.

"That's the spirit kid!" Alex shouted.

"Fine," Astra conceded as she trailed after them. Her face showed how little she appreciated the detour.

Naruto ignored it, excited to be on an adventure.

Not even ten feet off the path and he started to notice ferals. A woman with the body of a spider from the waist down stared at them from a tree, her six legs poised to jump. But still the pokegirl kept her distance.

Naruto immediately noticed a pattern; they gave Alex a wide berth. Something in his posture spoke to the instincts of the feral pokegirls.

"That's a Tarantella," Erica told Naruto, head swiveled backwards from the shoulder to play tour guide with him. "That breed and its evolutions are the best at making clothes compared to other spider breeds."

If they were the best at making clothes, why was she naked?

The Tarantella crept back and moved to the side as they continued to delve deeper into the woods.

"A good breed for any beginning tamer. Especially broke ones," Alex added as he walked through the woods. There was no grace to his steps, but he was tall enough to reach stable ground each pace.

Naruto moved like an elf, having almost grown up in a forest. Astra tripped through the thick roots like she had suddenly sprouted a tail.

"Huh," Naruto said to the explanation. He could see how that would be useful but otherwise left that topic alone. Sure, he was planning to catch a couple more pokegirls, but was pushing it down the road until he was more comfortable.

Silently, they crept through the woods for a few minutes before Naruto remembered that he wasn't on a mission and talking was okay.

"So, what type of pokegirls made you retire?" Naruto asked, noting the increasing frequency of spider-bodied pokegirls. The webs they sometimes had to walk around were a little disconcerting.

Alex looked back, seeming happy to be talking again. "Ah, my adorable little Kadru evolved into a Yggdra. Her tree brushes the clouds now, and unfortunately I had to leave her at home for a bit. She won't part with it."

Naruto frowned. "Did you leave her on her own?" he asked sharply. Alone was a sensitive topic to him.

"I hate to be a bother," Astra cut in, annoyed, "but is anyone else concerned by the number of Tarantella surrounding us?"

Naruto shrugged.

Erica was the one who answered as she slid off her tamers form like water. "They'll stay back," she reassured as a puddle on the ground.

"It's not like they're intentionally surrounding us anyways," Alex said. "We're just coming close to an Annt hive. And no, I left my Elf Queen with her, couldn't leave her court anyways."

The Mechdoll's form crawled upwards with tendrils of metal stitching itself together. At full height, she was just slightly shorter than her tamer. Also, boobs.

No, seriously. Those were the biggest mammaries Naruto had ever laid eyes on. Eat your heart out Tsunade.

She lingered for a moment until she was in the back of their train before scooping Astra into the air and placing her legs around her neck.

Also, she was naked. Naruto understood that nudity taboos pretty much didn't exist, but it was still a little shocking.

"Do you remember the buying price of an Annt queen off the top of your head?" Alex asked his pokegirl, turning his head back briefly. He cracked a smile when he saw Astra quivering because she was higher up, and thusly closer to the spiders.

Naruto decided to walk in front of Erica so her naked form wouldn't affect him as much.

"Not recently, but the last time I checked it was one hundred million credits. It's not like you need the money. Or another pokegirl," she pointed out helpfully.

They reached a circular clearing in the trees that the Tarantella wouldn't pass. It was a small hill made of brown, sifted dirt with one ominous hole in the center. They stopped at the short, grassy line between the trees and rubble.

"Do you mind if I see your Pokedex?" the mechanical woman asked Astra.

"No. Go ahead." The bluenette looked much happier out of the spider infested forest and into the sunny clearing.

A couple of ordinary Annts crawled out of their hill. They looked like one would expect an anthropomorphic ant woman to look like, four arms to make six limbs in total, with one jarring difference.

"They have red exoskeletons," Alex pointed out, unconcerned.

"Nevermind," the Mechdoll said, handing the Pokedex back. "I was going to check if the league wanted the Annt population pruned as to keep the Tarantella population in check, but they always have a reward for Annts with red carapaces."

"Red ones," Astra breathed, trying to rationalize the threat.

"Yes. The more vicious of the bunch. We might have to check up on every Annt hive in the forest to see if we should introduce wasps to the ecosystem. Or maybe one of the more combat oriented spider pokegirl species," Alex said.

Naruto almost moaned if he couldn't feel the aggression rolling off the red Annts. As it was, he was pretty damn excited to jump into another mess. "This might take a while," he said, ecstatic. All this adventure.

With added eye candy along the way.

"Yup." Alex agreed. "Might have to catch one of the Tarantella around here for a bit."

"Alex," the Mechdoll said fondly and exasperated. "We already have a spider pokegirl that you forgot to turn into the bounty station."

"Oops?" he offered, not really sorry. "This'll work out nicely though," he countered.

Erica's gaze landed on Naruto for a moment. "You should probably lend her to him," she suggested.

Alex nodded. "True, your Loner following us might be able to bail you out, but you seem the type that would hate running away."

"Running away is the same thing as giving up! Fuck that." Naruto declared, cursing freely now that he wasn't TV-14.

He smiled indulgent at the blonde with enough spunk to match his own when he was young. "Here, catch."

He threw a pokeball at Naruto who caught it with all of his awesome ninja grace. Quickly unshrinking it, Naruto released what was inside.

Another spider styled pokegirl emerged. The biggest difference from the Tarantella was the height. She was an entire torso taller than the teenager, with six spindled, hairy legs thick as his waist and tapered into a razor point at the tips. They emerged from a thick abdomen, black like the color of dried blood. Her face and torso were stunning with a distinct predatory cast, but her face bore a placid expression, completely at odds with eight gleaming green eyes arranged on her face.

She was also naked, her torso bare to the world. It almost wasn't even worth noting anymore.

She turned to Alex. "I thought you were going to leave me at the nearest town," the woman accused.

"I was going to, but I'd feel bad if I left you in Amethyst," he lied.

Erica cut in. "He forgot."

"But it turns out to be a blessing in surprise," he continued, directing her gaze to the Annts with a wave of his arm.

"And he needs someone to watch over the teenager he pulled off for some adventure," Erica said, redirecting the woman's gaze to Naruto.

"Has anyone ever told you that you look completely badass?" Naruto asked. "Because you do," he nodded like he stated some universal truth.

"Thank you," she replied demurely. There was an air of maturity around her that took most people nearly a century to cultivate. "It seems we'll be working together for the foreseeable future. My name is Cassandra." The blonde would've thought she was glaring at the Annts, but given the eight eyes was nearly impossible to divine where she was looking at.

"The name is Uzumaki Naruto, person of pure awesome." Undercover he may be, but low key he was not.

Only two eyes curled upwards in a smile with her mouth. The rest of them probed the area. It was one of the weirder smiles Naruto had been on the receiving end of. "Of course."

"Well then," Alex interrupted, "Now that introductions are over let's start to clear the hive."

It was there Erica cut in, unable to allow her tamer to have the last word. "Remember that the workers and soldiers aren't truly sentient. We'll take the drones and queen alive."

Naruto nodded, not really comfortable with a massacre. He did understand it was needed though, maybe. "How many drones are there?" he asked, well aware that there was only one queen.

"Anywhere from ten to forty," Alex answered. "Any more than that and they make a new hive."

"I've only got ten pokeballs," Naruto admitted through his pride, because this really felt like a mission.

Erica replied over Alex's outstretched mouth. "That shouldn't be a problem. We'll be clearing this first one together, and we'll lend you some pokeballs when we seperate."

Separate? Alright then. "How do you tell the difference between the drones and queen, and the workers?" he asked.

"You'll be able to tell," Alex didn't reassure him. "Trust me. And Cassandra definitely will even if you don't."

"Yes," she confirmed, inclining her head slightly while watching the Annts with a critical eye.

"You'll be fine," Erica assured motherly, "Cassandra is a Dryder, made for exterminating whole hives."

Alex burst in, sorta. "Actually, it's debated whether Sukebe designed the Dryder or not."

Erica's voice was a pleasant, serene one that was evercalm. "Fascinating."

The experienced tamer backed down, but not before some last words under his breath. "Unshakable loyalty my ass."

"I'm sorry. Did you say something?"

"Alright. Wonderful. Is this really the time to be doing this?" Astra cut in, still riding on the Mechdoll's shoulders.

"Doing what?" Erica asked slowly and pleasantly, eyes glancing upwards for a moment.

The bluenette sighed. "Nevermind."

"If you will," Cassandra offered with an outstretched hand to Naruto. He quickly understood that he was supposed to climb aboard the badass express.

Yes, all of it.

The second he grasped her digits he was flung upwards, and directly on top of her back; she had smooth skin, at least from the waist up. His shoulder stung, ringing from nearly having the arm ripped out of its socket.

' _This is the coolest shit ever.'_

"Then we're ready to begin," she murmured reverently, like they were attending a funeral.

"Right!" Alex agreed. "Let's get a move on!"

"Wrap your arms around my stomach," Cassandra commander in a whisper. She stared at him from her two sideways facing eyes that could look behind her; they were the shade of poisoned-apple green.

Naruto did so, tightly. He could tell this was going to be the most epic ride of all time. "Yeah," he agreed.

"The let us begin."

Despite the finality of that sentence, they were starting.

Dryders were tanks, plain and simple. However, they didn't move like one. With enough speed enhancements to outclass just about every other pokegirl, Dryders moved with blistering intensity.

They sped across the shifting slope of the Annt hill faster than the Annts monitoring the entrance could track. Cassandra was on them within moments.

Her two forward legs provided the brakes by gouging through the Annts sternum with ease, shaken off with the same disdain a pirate would kick a corpse off their cutlass and into the ocean. The superior 'how dare you stain my blade' attitude.

Naruto blinked, amazed. She was fast, she was strong, and she was badass. He might be in love, again. "Do people call you badass?" Naruto asked; he had to check. "Amazing, awesome, the coolest shit ever?"

Cassandra chuckled maturely, maybe a little too long. "No, not often."

"Their loss then," the blonde decided.

Her sideways facing eyes rolled back for a moment. Two moments. "Thank you." She began to move towards the entrance, a large hole in the ground that oozed of darkness. "Grasp tightly, even more so than you are now," she commanded.

With a blur, and a very visible after-image, Cassandra skittered into the Annt hill. Naruto's body faced down as she moved across the vertical walls like they were a floor. His right cheek was pressed up against her back.

Naruto couldn't see anything but blackness and eight, toxic eyes that pierced the nothing.

They straightened out. And then they began to move, still wind passing by them.

And then the sounds. All he heard were wet squelches as his body was shaken back and forth with Cassandra's erratic combat movements. The genin knew that there was a legion of terminated Annts, and her legs dripped with blood. Death was thick enough to smell, rusty nails and day old carrion.

"You're sure they can't think for themselves?" Naruto asked the emptiness, relishing in the Dryder's warm body.

There were several more sounds of pierced exoskeletons before the teenager got a reply. "I'm certain. They are nothing more than an extension of their queen's will." Her voice was cold.

They paused.

Astra, Alex, and Erica were a minute behind them. They brought another pokegirl who lit up the dark cave.

The scattered remains of Annts littered the tunnel.

"Most of the soldiers as well, Cassandra," Alex whistled. "Impressive."

Astra almost looked sick, but otherwise showed no remorse. Naruto was reminded that feral pokegirls were treated like animals.

"We'll take the queen. You two can get the drones. Here."

He handed Naruto two sacks, that shade of cliched brown. One was empty; the other rattled and clanked with the sound of a few hundred pokeballs.

"I'd wish you luck, but Cassandra knows what to do," Alex joked. "Also, she's better at capturing pokegirls alive than anyone else I've got with me."

"This shouldn't take too long," the Dryder answered pleasantly, acting as if her legs weren't coated in the blood of hundreds.

Naruto was pretty damn sure he was in love.

"Have fun!" Naruto waved at Astra. Even though he was having fun she was getting the boss fight. Lucky.

"Thanks," she replied blithely, too exasperated to muster up any other emotion.

"I wonder why she didn't sound excited," Naruto muttered. Cassandra began to sedately crawl through the cavern that was quickly becoming darker.

"Perhaps she doesn't want to be on this venture with us," she suggested, eyes blinking and reopening in succession with a wet peeling sound.

"What." Does not compute.

By then, the light had completely left as they navigated through some dips and curves. Once again, his only sight were emerald luminescent eyes; they didn't provide nearly enough light to do anything but make him more blind.

It was a fetching color.

"Mmhm, agreed. There is nothing greater than the thrill of the hunt, the rush of the fight," Cassandra drawled. A shudder swept across her body like a hill of grass folding under the breeze.

If she wouldn't vibrate while he was pressed against her naked backside, that would be wonderful. And disappointing.

"I don't think I'd go that far," Naruto said, "but I can appreciate a good fight."

"Hunting for sport is so very human," Cassandra huffed. "Humans lack that something inside. The call for blood that resonates through your being. The wild breath of nature that pulses through my veins," she inhaled sharply.

Well, he had a gigaton fox inside of him. Did that count? Probably not.

"Ehehe, I guess that's true," Naruto admitted, hoping she wouldn't lose control and eat him out of the blue.

"How cute," she murmured, "I could just devour you."

' _Agreed.'_

Naruto paled; also, he flushed. The result was splotches of color sprouting at random from his face.

"Please don't?" Naruto meekly pleaded. There were worse ways to die than to a badass engine of destruction. He didn't want to die, there was still uneaten ramen.

"...It's almost like you're trying," Cassandra pondered to herself.

"Trying to what?"

A pause. She laughed softly, legs moving at a languid pace. "Nevermind. Just a passing thought," the Dryder dismissed.

Naruto felt like calling bullshit, but decided not to. For the moment.

"We're close," Cassandra whispered like she was praising a meal for its seasoning.

It was easy to forget with how human-like Astra and dick-friend appeared, but pokegirls actually weren't human. They were genetic experiments with human as the base, and were capable of reproducing with humans.

Technically, if they can reproduce with humans, wouldn't that make them the same species? I mean, the scientific definition of-

"So how are we gonna do this?" Naruto asked, because he was supposed to use his sack of pokeballs to capture the drones. Problem was it was pitch black, the light had fled long ago.

"I will bind them, and you will catch them," Cassandra explained, regal bearing replaced by primal savagery.

"Alright then," Naruto agreed hesitantly. Did other people feel this way when following his not-plans?

She darted into an open path that Naruto couldn't see. He gripped her stomach tightly, or he would have flown off from the sudden lurches and reversals. The inclement G-forces that racked his frame were disorienting, dizzying. It seemed quick, like they simply surrendered without a fight.

"It's finished," Cassandra stated with a satisfied tone.

"I still can't see," the blonde said over his dizzy.

"That's fine. Extend your left arm with a pokeball."

Naruto did so, but heard a muffled thunk before the pokeball opened. "Gah!" he shouted as the light flared against his wide pupils.

He could see! Spots and colors from his vision spinning. Naruto closed his eyes to spare them the pain of another seizure.

"What was that sound?" the genin asked the black.

"That would be me knocking out the drones so the capture won't fail," Cassandra answered.

After he finished fumbling around in the dark, Naruto had counted twenty seven captures in total. Above average.

Through some unspoken agreement, the Dryder skittered quickly to the others. Naruto could tell they had come upon them when his eyes had to readjust to having light.

They were in a large cavern, filled with the glow of some fires burning away at nothing on the walls.

Astra was the one lingering away from the others, and Cassandra slowly inched to a crawl before stopping beside her. The bluenette shivered from the proximity to the spidery legs.

"How did it go?" Naruto asked, blinking rapidly.

Before she replied Alex shouted at them. "You should've seen it! Astra was the star of the fight!"

He was inspecting a section of the wall carefully, looking for something.

"Really?" Naruto asked skeptically, focussing his gaze on her.

Astra flushed under the scrutiny. "I didn't do much," she demurred.

' _She's lying,'_ the Loner told Naruto, sending him images of the blunette wreathed in lightning, countering magic attacks with steady precision.

"That's pretty impressive," he accidentally said out loud. "You're definitely no slouch!"

"I was… I was fabulous, wasn't I?" Astra told herself, confidence stretching her cute level to ridiculous limits.

Blinking, the blonde stared for a few moments.

' _If you want to devour that delicious expression I would happily live vicariously through you.'_

"How cute," Cassandra observed. If one didn't know better, it could be misconstrued as mocking.

' _Isn't she just?'_

The Dryder blinked, an action filled with movement. "Ah, just a moment."

They left Astra staring at nothing with a determined look on her face.

She walked up behind Alex, before moving a few paces to his right. With a slam of her enhanced leg, a small section of the cave crumbled in.

The small, pocket-sized hole gleamed with shiny.

"Feral they may be," the tamer said, "but Annts at least know that evolution stones benefit them. Given their prolific digging, they find more than just the stones needed to evolve a worker Annt."

Fire, thunder, water, moon, shield, and other stones spilled out of the cache. All in all, it was a small fortune. Naruto's broke ass wanted at least a couple of them.

"We already have hundreds of them," Erica pointed out, back to jacket form again.

"Here, have all the moon stones," Alex offered.

"Those are the least valuable," the Mechdoll protested.

The veteran tamer winked at his shoulder. "But the most rare!"

"That should say something about supply and demand."

"Just wait until some amazing evolution is discovered and you're the richest man on earth," he told Naruto, imitating a bad salesman.

"That's never paid off for anyone, ever."

"That's not true. What about the mana crystal?"

"Those were always in great supply."

Naruto was missing some key piece of history.

"But the demand was even greater once the Archmage's evolution was revealed."

"The price is negated by its pre-evolutions being able to produce their own."

"Semantics."

"No. Not it's not."

Naruto whispered to Cassandra. "How long are they going to do this?"

"Until I get hungry," she answered flatly.

That wasn't ominous. Not at all.

"You should take an angel stone," Astra suggested, having caught up to them. "Something tells me you're going to walk out of this route with a Vampire in your harem."

Naruto slumped against Cassandra. That would be just his luck.

"Scared of Vampires?" Alex asked, consoling. He had jumped at the opportunity to abandon the argument while he had the last word. "I think every male on the planet is terrified of them." He glanced at Astra for a moment. "That said, empusa- the evolution of a Vampire via angel stone- can still use the transformative venom while tame. Most tamers struggle to let them feed off their blood because of that."

Naruto glared at the bluenette, because apparently she hated him too. Her cheeks darkened slightly.

* * *

They stood observing another Annt hive. Well, Naruto sat, utterly unwilling to dismount from the badass express. Sure her bony carapace wasn't the most comfortable, but there was a feeling while astride Cassandra's abdomen that couldn't be replicated.

To prove the difference in behavior, the brown-colored Annts fled the moment they smelled a Dryder rather than prepare for a confrontation.

Depending on one's view, it was either a good or bad thing that the rest of the Annt hills they'd investigated were not of the red variety. The Annts, at least the drones and queen, were worth respectable amounts of cash, but at least there was no more work to be had.

"Well, I'm glad that's over," Astra sighed in relief.

Cassandra smiled softly, carefully hiding her teeth. "I get the feeling that bug types aren't your favorite?" she tempted dangerously.

The bluenette froze, ingrained instincts to freeze before a much greater predator kicking in. "Ah, no, that's not to say that I dislike bug types-"

The Dryder laughed softly. "Peace child. I was simply baiting you."

Astra blinked as her shoulders slumped with relief. "That wasn't very nice."

Worth noting, is that Dryders are an S-ranked pokegirl (More on rankings later). Such fear was well warranted.

"No," a mouth full of sharp teeth revealed itself. "It wasn't nice," Cassandra agreed calmly.

"There's no more?" Naruto's lower lip quivered in a pout.

Alex burst in boisterously. "There may be no more Annts, but the adventure has only started!" He channeled the essence of Rock Lee.

Erica sighed at her tamer with no real sorrow. "I think there's been enough adventure for one day."

"Wimp," he accused.

"Yes," the Mechdoll capitulated, hoping to end the adventure for the day. "I am a wimp."

"Bah! The day is still young!" It was early afternoon, the midday sun browbeating everyone under its temper. "We have time for another adventure."

Naruto cheered in agreement with a raised fist. Astra's gaze rolled over to the exasperated Mechdoll. "They're entirely too alike," she complained.

Erica pinched the bridge of her nose in irritation. "I should have realized that the moment Naruto agreed to endanger his life with us."

And so, they trekked off into the forest, traversing the trees and dangerous depths of the wild.

And got lost. Because two morons were navigating, and Cassandra reasoned that the longer they adventured the longer she could prolong being recalled to a pokeball.

The sun fell asleep standing up; nighttime crashed into them. A very cliched crescent moon, surrounded by wispy clouds, fastened itself to the sparkling ceiling.

"We're lost," Naruto moaned, resisting the urge to fall asleep against the Dryder's very compelling neck. She was warm, a temperature that encouraged lethargy to take hold.

The forest had a certain energy to it that left with the sun. Moving between the packed trees was no longer exciting, but had a certain aura of fear as the moon's light cast shallow shadows over the black. The gnarled roots held pockets of sightlessness that pulled at their feet, beckoning them below.

"I wouldn't say so," Cassandra said softly.

"We're not lost." The statement was perfect deadpan from Astra. She was holding his 'Dex by the Mechdoll's side with a flat look on her face.

"We didn't have another adventure," Alex sulked.

"You're lucky to even have had one." Erica rained on his parade. Which was more like a funeral march at that hour, but semantics.

"I would say that you might have another moment of excitement at this hour," Cassandra pointed out. "This forest is famous for its ghost types."

Naruto's arms squeezed her torso tightly as he sprung awake. Like magic, he looked much less enthusiastic about another adventure.

Astra, feeling spiteful, added onto his fears. "They do become active at night," she noted, casually, like she was innocent.

"Yes!" Alex exclaimed, awake enough for everyone present. Ghosts types were notorious for lacking basic feelings, like fear or logic. They might come to him.

"Can't we just go to sleep?" Naruto whined. The Dryders gaze moved to him; her human arms rose up to rub at his wrists; Naruto's forearm was nearly buried into her liver.

"Ah," Cassandra said. She paused."The ghosts will still congregate around us, asleep or not."

"Damn it."

"What do you mean 'damn it'? This is great!" Alex declared with passion.

Astra's eyes gained a malicious glint. "Naruto has a fear of ghosts," she singsonged.

"Phasmophobia? That's pretty rare. Ghost types have been integrated into society for nearly a century," he said, backing off somewhat in understanding. "Though Vampires have always been the exception."

Naruto shivered. He wasn't cold.

Minutes later, wisps of blue fire circled around them. They circled around them and spun like satellites around a planet.

"Ghostly…" Alex slumped.

"There, there," Erica consoled with harder than strictly necessary pats. "Not all ghost types are Dire Wolfs."

"I know," he mock wept with an exaggerated sniffle. "But I was hoping for at least a Zahngeist."

"Calm yourself," Cassandra commanded. "Ghostly aren't malicious, and even if they were would be unable to interact with you. Ghostly are entirely intangible."

The blonde whimpered. That was the part that scared him!

Pretending that he wasn't scared, that everything was alright, was a personal talent of his. "What's a Zahngeist?"

Erica stepped in with the explanation. "A morphic type pokegirl capable of transforming into a dinosaur, and known to phase through attacks to create an opening."

Dinosaur?

' _Carnivorous lizard summons,'_ the Loner filled in. ' _Except ghosts.'_

Well fuck.

Naruto laughed nervously. "And you want to meet one?" he asked, incredulous.

"Well, yeah. They're pretty rare and a pretty common sight on competitive circuits."

Change the subject from ghosts. Nonchalantly. "What's the competitive scene even like?"

Alex scratched at his head. "Well, I'm sure things have changed. When I was competitive Milf-template Berserkers were all the rage, pun intended. At maximum power, they have Widow-esque enhancements and some of the more common pokegirls, usually the ones who rely on enhancements themselves, just fold to that kind of strength and speed. There was talk of banning them before it was discovered that flying types and pokegirls who know teleport completely stop them," he explained.

"From what I understand, Heroines have stolen the role of 'enhanced fighter' because Agility doubles their speed enhancement with psychic propulsion. Sure, their strength is somewhat weaker, but there's so few pokegirls that have durability ratings to make it matter. And the Loner-evolved Heroines know and counter teleportation capable pokegirls."

They all ignored the Ghostly closing in except Naruto, who was becoming more relaxed by the moment. Apparently they weren't a problem.

Erica continued the explanation. "The competitive battling circuits have mostly turned into infernal and celestial fights. Pokegirls of those types are almost always stronger than other pokegirls lacking them."

"Enhanced fighter?" Naruto asked.

"A pokegirl with numerous enhancements, usually in speed and strength," the Mechdoll continued to explain. "Their role on the competitive circuits are to eliminate combatants with lower enhancements. Most harems can't avoid having an enhanced fighter because powerful pokegirls such at the Mazouku and Seraph, both fully capable of sweeping teams with ease, are very common on the competitive scene."

Naruto processed this information, slowly.

As always, the group continued to walk. This time, however, the Ghostly formed an intangible barrier of floating female faces (pretty ones). Naruto wasn't very good at reading lips, much to Iruka's dismay, but he could almost hear what they were saying: ' _turn back_ '.

Alex, positioned just barely ahead of everyone else, walked through them without a care. Naruto froze, unwilling to pass them. Not that it mattered because Cassandra walked straight through them, letting the ghost type pokegirls phase straight through her body.

Astra rolled her eyes at Naruto's fear, unempathetic for the time being. "Oh get over yourself," she said heartlessly.

There was no reply, from the blonde. "Hrm, his Phasmophobia seems uniquely crippling. I've never heard of a case this bad."

The Ghostly had turned around warning them to turn back but utterly unwilling to cross an invisible line on the ground. Their faces were mournful, pleading for the group to turn around.

"Yeah. It's pretty funny," the bluenette agreed with a statement that wasn't said.

"Hey!" Naruto shouted, indignation overriding fear.

Astra resisted the urge to shout 'Look! A Vampire!'. Because that would be unnecessarily cruel. That said, the urge was barely resisted because she was feeling unnecessarily cruel.

They had left the Ghostly behind.

Seeing that Naruto's teasing had been abandoned, Erica picked up a new line of conversation. "I wonder what had those Ghostly so frightened?"

"Ghostly are not renown for their bravery," Cassandra replied.

"That's true, I suppose. It could be nearly anything."

"Maybe it's her?" Astra said with an outstretched finger.

She was totally and utterly ignored.

"Well, known for bravery or not," Alex started, "They are intangible, and thusly mostly invulnerable."

"True, but this forest is littered with ghost types. In other words, pokegirls that can harm them," Erica argued.

Cassandra's omnidirectional vision caught sight of Astra's finger, and the female it lead to. "Yes," she agreed, "It is likely her."

"Oh, yeah. Probably," the veteran tamer agreed, almost disappointed.

There was a tall, centaur-styled woman that stood nearly as tall as a Dryder. Her hair was…

It was a literal bonfire that blazed from the odd caricature that was her skull. The mouth was much too elongated and jagged, the eyes coming in odd rectangular shapes. They both glowed with an unholy green and purple fire that flowed from the cranial cavities like a dying gasp in winter.

From the neck down the torso was covered with black armor that covered every inch of flesh until the human torso met tauric flesh. The animal base was an even darker shade of night than her armor, and the hooves were stained an ominous color of crimson.

"Just a Samhain," Alex pouted. "That does explain the behavior of the Ghostlies though."

They ran. They, being Cassandra and Astra. Naruto was just pulled along for the ride. The Dryder did, mercifully, pick up the much slower pokegirl with her human arm and slung her onto her abdomen behind the genin.

Fortunately, Dryders were faster than Samhains. They stopped in a clearing of scorched wood. The dirt ring that felt like an arena was not missed by anyone.

The moon beat.

"We've escaped," Naruto breathed.

Cassandra refuted his glimmer of hope. "No, we haven't. While I may be faster than a Samhain, we'll be easily tracked indefinitely. They are tireless trackers."

"Worse still," Astra continued, talking into his ear. She was still clinging to his waist. Her breasts were pressed into his back. They weren't the biggest, and given the cup-sizes there they might as well be unnoticeable, but Naruto's virgin mind just couldn't move past that detail. And the way her body melded to his back the blonde was distracting as well. Combo that with Cassandra's smooth skin pressed to his chest, and Naruto was essentially non-functional. "Dryders have a severe type disadvantage, and Samhain's have enough enhancements that they can't be forced through."

"Indeed," she agreed. "The most potent weapon versus ghosts is electricity. Astra is the most capable person of fighting right now, seeing that Erica, and Alex, have left the threat to us."

Naruto could feel the Dryder's pride grating through her tone. There was an apex predator's strength that was being calmly denied by unfortunate happenstance.

"But, a Samhain is ludicrously out of my league," the blunette protested.

"No, you can still triumph. The tools are there, and your abilities are equal."

"You've got this!" Naruto declared with an enormous smile.

They dismounted easily, landing onto the shaded ground with nary a sound. Cassandra, for the first time that day, shifted into her more human form. "Like this," she explained, "I am less of a threat. It will just be you."

Bursting through the burning trees, the Samhain finally caught up to them. She slowed to a canter before crawling to a stop several paces away. The feral pokegirl took a deep breath and exhaled a large plume of mystical fire that floated away into off-color motes of smoke.

There was a level of grandeur with her presence, and a deeper meaning to be felt with every action she took. That breath was the start of a match.

"Samhains," Cassandra whispered into his ear from behind (naked), "have a very strong sense of what is right and wrong. They also only challenge their opponents at their best. Running away, as we have done, is allowable if only because we have prepared ourselves."

She charged in a rush of black armor, wired flesh, and a ribbon of flame. In response, Astra crackled to life, pale skin glowing white from power surging through her veins and occasionally surfacing on luminous skin. The blue of her hair shone in a truly electric shade.

A blast of electricity interrupted the charge. With a disproportionate show of agility the feral turned about and leapt backwards with a quadrupedal spin.

"Good," the Dryder commented, "Astra must be more aggressive to stand a chance. If it becomes close combat the fight is over because she has no enhancements compared to her opponent."

Naruto's fist clenched, spectating.

Astra leapt to the side. A gout of pure red heat impacted the ground she was standing on, leaving charred dirt remaining. The Samhain's mouth returned to its clashing colors as the furnace in its mouth died down.

Astra fired a straight bolt of electricity. The night crackled as it was torn asunder by the sudden crackle and hop of light and sound. The feral leapt over it in an impossible display of precognition and agility.

Frazzled, the bluenette cast a wider surge of power aimed at the ground. Unable to maneuver midair, the Samhain's mouth ignited with spicy flair and aimed directly at her landing point.

"A hit. Fire does not counter electric. Ferals do not know they should stay grounded as well."

Naruto stared, watching. This reminded him too much of Wave, when he watched Kakashi fight an opponent so far out of their league.

"I hate this," he replied, unblinking. His fists clenched again, weakly. Without power.

The fire had swirled across the area of impact with a saucy spin. The conflagration of flame died down to reveal the feral grasping an orb of swirling energies, glowing with green and purple shadows, fed with power straight from the fires wreathing her skull.

"Pumpkin Bomb," Naruto was told. "The Samhain's most devastating ranged attack."

That wasn't a pumpkin; but, it was much more dangerous than an explosive squash.

Astra's image was lost inside a crackling cloak. Her attack was prepared first as it leapt from her outstretched palm. It traveled in serpentine with barely trackable speed.

The Pumpkin Bomb wasn't ready yet; the white pillar of lightning sparked into it with one last diagonal hop.

The air shattered as it burst apart in a pulse of sound. The shockwave would've knocked Naruto off his feet were he not steadied by Cassandra's strength, clearly not entirely diminished by switching out of her tauric form.

The Samhain was lost in a pyre of mystical fire that spun slowly before coalescing and ascending to the heavens in a single spire; it disappeared into motes of light before it could breach the treetops.

Astra let loose her largest haymaker of the night into the swirling energies. The light flared. For a brief moment it was almost like day.

There was a stagnant silence before the Dryder commented. "That was a good call. That burst of the Samhain's power would've been reabsorbed in another Pumpkin Bomb."

Panting heavy, Astra replied. "I'm glad that she backed off close combat so soon. I knew I could win a ranged match."

Cassandra nodded once. "Yes. You did get lucky, but that win was well earned."

"Haah," she half laughed, half breathed. "I did win."

Naruto nearly teleported into her personal bubble again. "Aw man. You're alright? Didn't burn out any of your nerves?" Kakashi had mentioned something like that in relation to Lightning Style Techniques. "Of course you're alright! You did amazing!" he cheered.

Her cheeks were flushed red from overexertion. Overexertion. Period.

The Samhain was finally revealed from the cone of flame, passed out on the ground. The feral had reverted to a more human shape, with shapely legs and a normal head. If by normal, completely cauterized and several meters away from her still form was the norm.

"Of course I did fantastic! But you! What was that?! Leaving me on my own?" she shouted at him.

"What do you mean?" Naruto was confused. "You did fine without any help." He did, honestly, wish that he was right there next to her, kicking ass together. But normal tamers couldn't do that, and he wasn't that terrible at keeping his cover.

"Well, yeah. I'm me. But you were supposed to chime in with advice and strategies."

"I was? But weren't your plans good enough?" he asked skeptically. "Tricking her into jumping and catching the landing was perfect. You didn't need help."

Astra sighed. "I guess. It's the principle of the thing though. I suppose I should be grateful that I didn't have to listen to any of your dumb plans."

Naruto got the impression that she was mad at him for something. He'd been having it all day. "Yeah, I'm not the greatest at planning," he admitted, rubbing the back of his neck.

Also, any help he could provide would be echoed advice from Cassandra.

Her eyes softened. "I can see that." The fire was immediately reinjected into her eyes. "And you," she rounded on the Dryder, "What was that about? 'I can't do anything, but you can. Go fight this dangerous feral. Alone.'?" the blunette demanded.

"I'm not sure I understand. The Samhain was your opponent, and you were better than her. Was I supposed to interfere with your prey?" the Dryder blinked into confusion. Her two legged form had an equal number of eyes.

Naruto burst in. "And if you needed help _she_ would've came to help."

' _I'm hurt. Honestly hurt. You've all forgotten about me.'_

Naruto rolled his eyes. He couldn't forget about her. There was a psychic connection that rested in the back of his mind he was reminded of every time his thoughts cleared.

"Right, right. You guys are right and I'm wrong. I was obviously fabulous enough without you, and there was support if I needed it," she surrendered sarcastically.

"What are you going to do about her?" Cassandra asked, motioning to the downed feral with a nod of her head.

"I suppose we should bury her," Naruto said, scratching at his cheek. He was kind of guilty about killing her, even vicariously.

"What, no. She's not dead," Astra replied.

"She's… right there." He pointed at her decapitated head.

"What? Oh. Samhains as a species have a disconnected head. She's still alive."

"Taming her is a popular option," Cassandra informed him. "When tame, the species is generally motherly and kind. They are strong fighters as well."

Was he supposed to have sex with a decapitated, unconscious woman? Was that the norm here? And why was Astra glaring at him?

Sage damn it Pervy-sage.

"I don't know," Naruto decided. "I'll just… capture her and see where it goes."

"They are rare," the bluenette allowed. "She would probably solve our financial problems."

"We do have a dozen moon stones," Naruto argued for the sake of arguing.

Astra rolled her eyes. "Those aren't worth much, and we're going to keep a couple."

Naruto huffed in indignation (what was there to be indignant over?), but decided that since he started it he could drop it as well.

He walked over and sealed the Samhain's body away with a flare of light. The head disappeared as well, somehow. "C'mon, let's go chew out Alex and Erica for leaving us in the dirt," he told Astra.

The pair walked off through the trees to give the veterans a piece of their mind.

Cassandra smiled sadly and began to take sedate strides after them. "I suppose I am getting a little too old for another journey," she consoled herself.

She was stopped in her tracks by a woman, casually leaning against a tree. "No. You're never too old for a journey."

The Dryder relaxed after deeming her as a non-threat. "You are the Loner they spoke so fondly of." There was a hurt in her tone without direction.

"Yes. And they would speak of you the same would you have revealed your shattered heart."

The Dryder looked away. "It's hard."

She nodded, slowly. "Naruto is an empath, or as close as a human can be. The fact that he did not recognize your pain, and try to solve it being the hero he is, speaks of how many barriers your heart is hiding behind. It is always hard to expose somewhere so vulnerable, yes?"

"Psychics," Cassandra muttered bitterly, "always so arrogant and self-assured."

"And you, so distant and afraid," the Loner countered easily. "If don't allow yourself to be healed then you will always hurt."

The dark-skinned Dryder swallowed her discomfort. "And why are you telling me this? Benevolence?" she asked cynically.

Her amethyst eyes shone with their own light through the dark of the night. They pitied her. "Don't look at me that way!" she ordered, flying into her arachnid body. The way she stared down the cause of her discomfort made her happy.

The way the brunette still leaned against the charred bark rankled at her pride.

"Suit yourself," she decided. "I won't look at you this way. Or ever again."

The tree shattered; but, she wasn't hit. The Loner relaxed against another similar tree. Chunks of wood splintered backwards as the tree was felled, toppling into others before being caught at a sharp angle.

"You dare?" Eight toxic eyes bared down on her smaller, _weaker_ form.

"Your hurting heart, the source of your anger," she started. "They've driven away another bond. I came-"

Another tree was toppled.

"-to wish you better luck next time. Because I truly wish that you find peace on the inside, not just the outside."

And she left in a small, yet very noticeable so late, magenta trail of light.

Cassandra calmed herself, externally. Her body shifted back into a more human one. She walked slowly back to the others.

Slowly enough to realize that the Loner was right. And that added another hurt to the mountain her happiness was buried under.

Cassandra sighed; she was too weary for another journey.

* * *

 **Author's Note(s):**

Haah. Another chapter finished. There was going to be more, but I think that the lighthearted scenes I had planned wouldn't fit right after ending on something kind of heavy.

Sometimes, I sit and rethink the story idea. Sometimes I ask myself why I crossed this over with Naruto, who has so many bad Universe-Inserts that it's almost clichéd. And then I go review the plot ( _the precious_ ) and realize that what I'm doing isn't cliché at all. The protagonist could only be Naruto, and that makes me happy.

I went through and looked at the 'Dex, and realized that Dryders only have two eyes. The description for the Dryder was a little bit lacking, so I looked at the Widow to draw the image, and they have eight eyes. Honestly, I've just decided to keep eight eyes in the battle form (really?) and two eyes while bipedal.

Agility: Is a new move I'm adding to the Movedex. It's a standard technique among psychic types that doubles the speed enhancement and allow for impossible changes in vector. In short, they are using psychic propulsion that can work in midair. It's relevant to only a few pokegirls as psychic types don't have the greatest physical enhancements to begin with. This move was added to the 'Dex as I'm taking this world into a more Anime Style of combat, to justify the crossover even further. You can follow your own train of logic to find out exactly what I'm going to do with the Movedex.

OC's: Alex(ander), and by extension Erica, were never meant to have such a large role. I was planning on making the 'so this wasn't Jiraiya' joke, and being done with him, but I realized that I needed more plot before the Blue League. So, adventuring with a veteran tamer. He'll only be around for a little bit longer and then exit the stage.

The Pokedex: is a cell phone three hundred years in the future. Sure, a giant war broke out and some tech was lost, but for the most part it's just a cellphone but better.

Question of the Chapter: how many of you would appreciate increased species descriptions? I feel I'm going lite to not interrupt the flow.

 **Edited 'Dex Entries**

Because the Pokedex on Pokegirls dot org was made by a bunch of perverts, some things need to be accounted for. I still don't like how a number of arachne-styled pokegirls can morph forms. That's a cop out. Really, keep your fetish bait separate.

 **Loner, the Wayward Pokegirl**

Very Near Human

Element: Psychic, Dark

Frequency: Uncommon / Extremely Rare (Tamed or Domestic / Feral)

Average Sale Price: 2 Million Credits

Threshold Sale Price: 2 Million Credits

Diet: Human Standard with higher liquid intake. Preferences for convenient finger food has been noted on a unanimous species-wide basis.

Role: Reconnaissance, Scouting, Psychic Counter[, Massive Troll, Teases]

Libido: Low, Average when Near Feral (See below)

Enhancement(s): Strength (x2)

Abilities: Telepathy, Night vision (See below), Precognition (See below)

Weaknesses: Demophobia, Extreme Wanderlust

Evolves: **Heroine, the Heroic Prodigal Pokegirl** (via Delta-Bond + Muscle Mass [see below])

Pre-Evolution: **Goth, the Nocturnal Near-Human Pokegirl** (via **Loner-Subtype** normal)

Physically, Loners-as a species-are taller, more robust, and curvaceous than the human norm. Bell Curves for the aforementioned traits are moved significantly to the right, the direct values are being debated by researchers. Height averages are nearly equal to the human male, and researchers have found that the spectrum of heights between Loners and human males are similar, if not nearly congruent. Their strength and muscle mass is also comparable to the human male, BMI charts working nearly the same. Loners are just as capable of building muscle mass as the human male, unlike the majority of pokegirls, who are female (more below). Worth noting, is the improved musculature of their legs, which are used for walking and running almost constantly, the muscle mass there is above human male average. It was shocking to researchers to find out that the Loners sexual appeal is above female average given their correlation with male development in other areas. Breast size is two cup-sizes larger than human female average, hips are more full than any human female can hope for, and their impressive musculature is covered by taut skin with 97% less blemishes and other imperfections than the norm (human females). Hair color is almost always dark in shade, presumed to be inherited from their Goth Pre-Evolution, and can be as light as milk chocolate to the darkest shades of black. Purple and rust-red are genetic anomalies with frequency bordering on human discolorations such as Albinism. Their skin is pale with low melanin content and burns easily. Their face is perfectly symmetric to the atomic level, and their features are always physically appealing, somewhat enhanced by a telepathic connection. Eye-color can be found in any shade, unlike the Loners Pre-Evolution, with an equal chance to have any possible color. Their lips remain in deep ruby to dark ebony in color, keeping the coloration from the Goth Pre-Evolution. The keratin of their fingernails is laced with color that matches the Loners lips. Their eyes are more adept at night vision, retaining the same eye structure as a feline which causes their eyes to have a glow. Their pupils also adjust in shape and size according to the lighting more drastically than a humans.

Mentally, Loners are variable. However, given their time spent alone, nearly all Loners are philosophical, but that is one of the only two species-wide psychological inclinations. Loners have Demophobia, or the fear of crowds. Given their innate ability to teleport, crowds present no danger to Loners. The rest are to be taken on a case to case basis.

Behaviorally, Loners leave to be alone, often. Tamers should be aware that their Loner is liable to leave frequently, and should the Tamer wish away their company momentarily or finish a conversation, they will leave. Should the Loner be in proximity with more than one person or pokegirl, they will leave. Whenever they do leave, they maintain a telepathic bond with their tamer to monitor them. More than 90% of Loners prefer moving on foot rather than teleporting. Although, all Loners teleport should there be a need for them or their tamer. Loners feel a need to teleport if they are with more than one person. Other behaviors vary from Loner to Loner, and should be handled as an individual.

In battle, Loners fight by teleporting away from attacks, and countering with Psychic. They will reluctantly counter attacks with dark type moves in close range before teleporting away. In low level combat, their ability to double their speed with Agility coupled with their strength enhancement is enough to win most fights. At high levels, Loners are used to fight opposing psychic types that struggle to create space against one of the most proficient teleportation capable pokegirls, and KO them with dark type attacks. Even higher tier, more experienced psychic types fall to the Loner. Their precognition ability allows them to see vaguely into the future, and coupled with their telepathy can avoid pokegirls with high speed enhancements who are not dark types.

Sexually, Loners will only be tamed alone. Taming pokegirls exclusively through orgie will result in a feral Loner. The rest are to be taken on a case to case basis, as is the norm with more human, less instinctive pokegirls. Their libido is only active within a week of becoming feral, entering into heat. To make it understandable, humans are constantly in heat. Loners only enter heat when Near Feral, otherwise their libido is, functionally, nil. Loners have no desire to have sex when not in heat. Leagues would remind tamers that pokegirl rape is illegal in every League bar one.

The Loners' odd libido can be traced back to Sukebe. Despite Goths being created post Sukebe, Loners were present during the Revenge War. Their role was to monitor every square mile of land to prevent sneak attacks and other covert operations. They successfully foiled a number of covert operations that were supposed to have snuck through uncharted territory. Creating Loners with a higher libido would be inconvenient, and make them a species capable of being tamed and used against Sukebe's forces. Researchers were shocked when some Goths could evolve into Loners, as their creators are not the same.

Evolving a Loner is not the most arduous of tasks. To evolve a Loner, the tamer must delta bond with his or her pokegirl, and the Loner must gain sufficient muscle mass. Researchers have found that muscle mass is reached when the Loner is classified as 'overweight' on a BMI (as always, there are exceptions). Oftentimes, the Loner will enroll in martial arts classes. This is superior to bodybuilding in a number of ways: being, the Loner, or soon to be Heroine, is a more efficient battler; the Loner gains more discipline, and could perhaps handle a third person as company for an extended period; and the Loner is physically more appealing, as martial arts spread the muscle growth over the Loners body almost imperceptibly. Because of this, many people still believe that Loners evolve from knowledge of martial arts. That is foolish, as even advanced pokegirl genetics cannot classify or even know what martial arts are; however, teaching a Loner martial arts is not foolish, so the rumor perpetuates.

Feral Loners are rare, as they are near human and classified as prey pokegirls. They lose the ability to teleport, and travel alone. Finding a Feral Loner is likely more difficult than nearly any other extremely rare pokegirl except for perhaps the Dark Queen.

Or, if one wishes to debate semantics, a Succubus, Hentaicute, Menage-a-trois…

 **End Entry.**

 **Excerpt from "A Short History of Sukebe", oriented for middle school students, titled "Why Taming?"**

Historians and the populace have questioned for decades as to why Sukebe made taming the method that would insure the loyalty of pokegirls, but we've reached one conclusion: there was no better option.

Other options to insure loyalty includes electronics, which were capable of being hacked, destroyed by a virus, or powered down; a hive mind, which is weak to having key points of command being destroyed, and being able to disable a number of enemies, and-furthermore- lack intelligence to make decisions for themselves; and so, taming has the sole flaw of being able to be turned against them.

While on paper, converting allies into enemies is a crippling weakness, it was also the least exposed. Given the overt sexual nature of the more militant pokegirls, rape was all too common, and the allied human forces began to produce anti-rape, anti-sex propaganda of their own. Sex was a taboo subject for nearly a decade among humanity, and cut an entire generation from history. The first tamer was a bloodthirsty man who cared little for social norms. As the tale goes, he spent a whole day attempting to kill a Damsel, and failed the whole time. She was taken with him, as Damsels often are, and eventually that lead to the first taming, Damsels being exceptionally beautiful, even among other pokegirls.

Furthermore, since all of the enemies were female, and Sukebe's propensity to utilize Lickingtongue and Titto, human females were ostracized, suppressed, and taken off the frontlines. With one decision, Sukebe effectively cut the human forces in half while starting an internal conflict. Women's rebellions were all too common throughout history, and are even rumored to have been instigated by incognito pokegirls.

The two combined, almost bought Sukebe enough time to complete his revenge. Taming was revolutionized just in time, as his one critical system of loyalty was turned against him. People to this day agree, however, that taming was the most effective way to instill loyalty, but researchers are still unsure. Given Sukebe's unmatched genius, he may have found a better answer, only to dismiss it in favor of his perversions.

 **End Passage.**

 **Omake**

 **Heroine, the Almost Perfect Pokegirl**

Evolves: **Mary Sue, the Perfect Pokegirl** (via having a **Shit Author** )

Researchers had always wondered why Loners and Heroines were more attractive than even Boobleaf. Now we know.

They get it from their evolution, the Mary Sue, who has a wonderful face that makes every star in the sky look mediocre and a well of love spring from the heart just from looking upon the divinely crafted features of the Mary Sue. Such perfection that causes men to lose their heads and abandon their subpar pokegirls, at least in comparison to the beauty of a Mary Sue, to just get once glimpse at her face which is synonymous with the essence of lovely. A face that people could stare at for ages and wonder how true art hadn't been discovered until that very moment because their smile is so slight that the Mona Lisa becomes jealous. The white canvas of the clouds is the color that makes their face and even the most lethargic cloud-watchers would agree that the sight of her magnificence could rouse them to action.

And her eyes, they glimmer with the passion of-

No! Not again...

 **End Omake**

 **Omake**

 **Astra, the Author Ain't Telling you Shit Pokegirl**

Very Near Human

Diet: Human Standard

Role: Being Mysterious, Protagonist

Abilities: Elemental Manipulation (Lightning)

Not much is known about Astra, because the author thinks he is 'clever' or 'mysterious'. Listed below is the known information, carefully edited to match the 'clever' and 'mysterious' themes.

Astra is petite, except not really. Petite comes with connotations that don't necessarily apply. Ahem. Astra is average in height for a fifteen year old, as the author doesn't believe in giving measurements in the imperial system (that's bullshit) or the metric system (because the majority of my readers are filthy Americans like myself and don't know what that metric garbage is), so imagine that as you will. Hair color is a shade of sky-blue, closer to the shade found around the afternoon sun than anything else, and she possesses steely gray eyes that matches her 'straight woman' disposition. Her nose is angular, yet small, and it parts the distance between two eyes that can produce a glare better than your average woman. Her lips come in an average pink-peach color and fits well on her narrow chin. Hair is cut to shoulder length. Sexy cheekbones with cute dimples below them. In all, her face balances mature and childish at once, and it's clear that she'll fully grow into her beauty once she escapes the vicious cycle that is puberty.

Breasts are there. Larger than Sakura but much smaller than the bloom powder skewed sizes of the pokegirls world. There. Happy now, perverts? Also, she's typically found in a pair of deep blue jeans and a solid pink shirt because the author knows nothing of women's fashion and won't even pretend he does. This is fine, since females are scared away by the word pokegirls, and there's no one here to fashion check me. Score.

Her species of pokegirl is not revealed but easily found out if one expends some effort. (*Insert several blatant insults to the readers here*).

The rest is mostly unknown because the author likes to fancy himself some kind of dick. He will reveal that Astra's behavior has no reflection on her species for the most part.

And, in case you didn't know, she's a threshold. So there.

 **End Omake.**

 **Omake**

 **Shit Author, the Fanfiction Writer Pokegirl** (is that a plot hole?)

Not Very Near Human (Tentacled Eldritch Abomination)

Element: Poison (to society)

Frequency: Common (Fanfiction dot net), Extremely Rare (The Real World)

Diet: Reviews, Followers and Favorites, Protagonist Worshippers, Literary Suffering

Libido: Probably High (they're all virgins so we don't really know)

Enhancement(s): We really wish they had some.

Abilities: Bad Plot, Mary Sue creation, Overly Long A/N:s, breaking the fourth wall mid narration.

Evolves: **Self-Insert Protagonist** (via Popularity) **, Fanfiction Reader** (via Flames)

Pre-Evolution: **Fanfiction Reader** (via Normal)

A Shit Author would write something like this. Blatantly breaking the fourth wall, and referencing himself (females generally have more self-respect, unless they are still undergoing puberty) in the third person. Constantly fantasizes about characters that don't exist and harems he doesn't have.

The most important part about a Shit Writer is that they'll devolve into a Fanfiction Reader if they get flamed enough. There's a league mandate to send flames at Shit Authors if they're spotted. Violators to the mandate will be punished by bad writing.

Please. Stop them. We beg of you.

 **End Omake**


	4. Chapter 4, Adventure Day 2

**Chapter 4 -**

 **Or, The Obligatory Tentacle Chapter**

 **Also, that M rating… Calm down. Please.**

* * *

Naruto noticed one thing when he woke up. And that was the pile of blue hair buried into his sternum. Don't let what anyone else says fool you, sleeping with someone when a lifetime has been spent sleeping alone is not pleasant.

The other thing he noticed was his chest might be bruised. Astra's chin was sharp, and it dug into the exact wrong spot.

It was definitely bruising.

Naruto idly wondered why the blunette wasn't sleeping in her pokeball, one of the things she'd insisted on after being outed as a pokegirl. It was certainly out of character.

Realization. "Oh. It's you," Naruto told his Loner, not having worked up the ability to care yet. It was too early.

' _Yes. That was surprisingly intelligent of you,'_ she noted distantly.

"Pervy-sage always said my brain works better when it's not supposed to work."

' _I know.'_ She knew, just about everything about him. Was he supposed to say something? Oh, right.

"Why?" his tone gestured to Astra who was very comfortable gouging a hole in his torso. He could feel her breasts level with his stomach. Liquid fire surged through his veins bringing him to the realm of awake.

She appeared. "Your virginity hurt me, so I sought revenge." She explained nothing at all.

"That's… okay?"

"Thank you for the permission," she half-bowed at the waist, showing cleavage normally covered by her black cloak. Such a tease. "Are you going to ravage her into consciousness, or will I need to intervene?"

Naruto finished waking up, alert. "I think I'm fine on-what? No! I'm not going to do that!" he shouted, confused.

"I don't see why. From her thoughts she would not be entirely opposed-"

"That means some part of her is opposed!" Naruto cried on her behalf.

Astra, miraculously, hadn't awoken from the racket they'd raised.

"-But it seems direct intervention is necessary," the Loner finished.

"You can't make me!"

She clasped her hand together, laid on top of the other. The heel of her upper palm was humping her knuckles. Naruto glowed with psychic energy. A smirk tipped the corners of her black lips, dangerous. "I can't?"

"Alright! Maybe you can. But you won't," Naruto challenged, raising his chin in defiance and meeting her eyes.

The canvas wall of his tent, somehow soundproof, filtered in colored light that bounced off her eyes. "I won't?" she challenged right back, the glint in her eyes revved up his pride. Unfortunately, all systems were being rerouted through arousal first.

The magenta glow gathered around Astra and slowly dragged her up his body. Naruto sighed as her chin dislodged from his sternum before it turned into a groan. Slowly. Tightly. Arousing. "Fine," Naruto ground out, trying his best to keep his voice level. "Maybe you will."

"And what will you do about it?" she asked, teeth shining white. What a douchebag.

The clothes started to slowly peel off; Naruto struggled to think of an answer. Astra's face was level with his own, and she had never looked cuter than in her sleep. "I'll," his brain shut down, "I'll wake her up!" he decided.

Palms slowly folded into each other before coming apart. Repeat. "Oh? And what do you think that will accomplish?" Her voice dripped with sensual mockery.

The clothes removed themselves, and bobbed away to slowly fold themselves in some corner of the tent. Naruto's breaths couldn't decide whether to stall in his throat or crawl back down to the pull in his stomach.

He hissed. There were naked boobs touching him. His very virgin mind shut down as he stared at the undulation of the Loner's palms and the corresponding movement in the mop of blue hair. Her skin was smooth.

The tent was unbearably hot.

"Naruto," Astra moaned, waking up. Her eyes fluttered open and bored into his through a layer of milky sheen.

His conscious mind let go of the reigns.

* * *

"Ah, morning!" Alex cried. "Full of adventure and surprises."

The sun had risen on the east, reflecting the light of the large landmass from its earlier pass. The birds didn't chirp, mostly because there were no birds. No bird pokegirls either: the route was just too dangerous.

The trees reflected the morning's beams in green fractals and rainbow dew.

"Go back to sleep," Erica requested, lazily.

Wasn't she mechanical and immune to exhaustion?

Astra bounced upbeat. She rocked on her heels impatiently. "What do you think will happen today?" she asked the veteran tamer.

He carefully considered what might happen, tempering his rampant optimism (or maybe his mid-life crisis). "I think we might reach the Dark Elves today," he paused for a sidelong glance at Naruto. "And maybe Vampire Valley by the evening."

Naruto had picked up cloud watching as his new hobby.

"I forgot what its actual name is," he admitted sheepishly, seeing that the blonde wouldn't freeze over. "Just that nickname."

"Vampires, huh. I was mostly joking earlier," she admitted, also casting a sidelong glance at her tamer. "But something tells me he'll walk out with one."

"Maybe two," Alex argued.

Astra considered the idea of having four other Vampires with him. Given his retarded luck it was plausible. The ultimate monkey's paw.

"Maybe four," she continued.

The man snorted as he looked at his Mechdoll, concerned. "Are you alright?"

"Peachy," she bit back through half shut eyes.

Arms raised in surrender. "Alright. Don't bite me for checking."

"You two do anything for breakfast?" Astra asked to break the small silence that swiftly fell. And she was hungry.

"Nah, I breathe and live ration bars," he admitted.

"If you're offering, we'd love to help," Erica cut in, sweet smiles and rosy aura.

"We would?"

Sickening sweet smiles and roses surrounded in thorns. "We would. It would be a pleasure."

Alex decided to evacuate the area before more than words rained down like payloads. "I thought evolution cured that bipolarism?" he muttered.

Screaming was heard as a small eel of electricity chased after his sarcastic grumbling. Erica's smile was serene. "So, what will we be making?"

Astra decided to ignore whatever mood she was in and just tell her straight. "Honestly, just some tortillas with whatever we have."

Erica blinked. "Aren't those difficult on the move?"

"Not really. Just some flour, oil, water, and a hot surface."

Astra began pulling a pan out of their backpack. It was conspicuously large, much bigger than their bag. The rumored 'weapon class' frying pan. Or, maybe it was the 'Don't insult the chef class'. They were easily mixed up.

"Here. Allow me." Erica grasped the pan and placed it onto her palm. Within moments, the surface sizzled with unrestrained heat.

Astra blinked. "Thank you."

Minutes later they had cooked more than enough tortillas for the morning. Alex had been drawn back by his nose.

Naruto still found the clouds fascinating.

"Is he going to eat? Or just stand there all day?" the veteran tamer asked around a mouthful of food. There was a ration bar sticking out of his tortilla.

A smug smile crossed the Astra's face. "He's just a little out of it."

Erica rolled her eyes.

"I can understand that, but we're going to be walking all day and most of the night. Kids gonna need his fuel."

"He'll be fine," she dismissed callously.

"You're not the nicest pokegirl out there. Anyone ever tell you that?" Alex said.

Astra sighed. "No."

"Huh. Strange." He scratched his cheek. "No, but seriously. Is the kid going to be okay?"

"He's fine," she reassured with a casual shrug.

"...That answer does not fill me with confidence."

"Good to know," Astra snarked.

"Cause he's the type of guy who can't sit still and can't stay quiet. And now he's staring vacantly at the sun," he pointed out.

Alright, thanks was pretty worrying. "Naruto, stop staring at the sun!" she called. It was bad for his health. "Thanks for pointing that out," she told him, words earnest but twisted sarcastic. "Staring at the sun is concerning."

Alex stared at her for a few moments. "You aren't the nicest pokegirl."

"I know."

"Alright," Erica cut in. "Stop messing with him. His poor, underdeveloped brain can't handle it." Mechdolls were notorious for coming to their tamer's defense.

"My brain isn't poor!" he proclaimed theatrically.

' _Notice how he didn't say it wasn't underdeveloped,'_ the Loner said in her head.

' _Has anyone told you you're wonderful?'_ Astra spoke back mentally.

' _... In or out of bed?'_

She was promptly ignored. ' _Because you're wonderful.'_

' _I know,"_ she snarked back.

Astra sighed blissfully before she bit into her tortilla. They carried some honey that she had loaded the inside of it with.

"My brain is rich like the Library of Alexandria!" the veteran tamer countered.

"Lost?"

"More like buried," Astra argued.

The Mechdoll shrugged. "Fair enough."

The man decided he'd had enough teasing and took his anger out on his food, muttering something under his breath.

Astra prepared another two for her tamer whenever he broke free of taming shock, sort of. He was likely hungry.

The blunette stood up and poked Naruto on the side of his head. It bobbed back a moment later. She gave up. "Naruto. Wake up."

What was so interesting about the clouds? "I'm up," he replied distantly.

Astra jabbed at his temple again; he didn't notice. "Not really."

"I think," he started. "I think I need to apologize to Pervy-sage." His face was contorted like he had eaten something rotten. "I need to apologize to Pervy-sage," Naruto repeated hysterically.

Well, apparently she had blown his world view to pieces in addition to blowing his mind, among other pieces of him. She shrugged, willing to take credit for that.

"Fine, talk to Great Master Jiraiya. Make it quick: we're breaking camp down now and will be leaving soon."

"Okay." He stared at his Pokedex.

* * *

Jiraiya yawned as he fumbled around for the 'Dex that was ringing. Blearily, he answered the call in audio and brought it up to his ear.

A pause. " _Pervy-sage._ "

Oh, it was him. "Brat."

What did he want? He'd already given some money to the moron. If he managed to spend it already, he'd go after him just to shove his sandal down his throat.

There was another pause. " _I'm sorry, Pervy-sage_."

He glared at the corner of the wall on the brat's behalf. Apologies worked better without his hated nickname. And worse, it was catching on.

"What are you sorry for?" He was getting a headache. Both from the brat and the overpowering smell of sex.

" _For making fun of your perviness so much!_ " Naruto cried. " _I never should have doubted you!"_

Oh, he got laid. Nevermind that he was looking forward to this moment for years, right now he just wanted to go back to sleep. He wasn't feeling it.

That's right, after years of dreaming of this very conversation he wasn't feeling it. What a letdown.

" _You were right about everything…"_ Jiraiya couldn't bring himself to listen to more, peeling the 'Dex off his ear. Let the brat talk it out while he wasn't listening.

He felt sick to his stomach; that was odd, he'd never gotten stomach bugs ever since he kicked the shit out of that one Aburame. Something about the kid singing praises to his name and how right he was, all things he knew, made him queasy.

And shinobi legends didn't get queasy.

He stared disconsolate at the machinery lying in his palm. Was the brat blubbering now or was the machine garbling it?

"Damn it brat," he whispered to the ceiling. Things were so much easier when the kid didn't like him. When he didn't like the kid. When he didn't lie to the kid.

Instead of doing anything else, Jiraiya pushed through his weakness. He brought the device back up to his ear. "Of course I'm right, brat. I'm the Great Master Jiraiya, legendary wherever I go. The number one desirable among women and the most masculine man in the universe." he ended it with a laugh he hoped was arrogant.

The line almost continued, because he was really only talking to himself.

* * *

Naruto's eyes burned as the line ended. It hurt; it hurt so bad. Admitting that he was wrong and Pervy-sage was right the whole time. Liquid pieces of his shattered pride leaked from his eyes.

"Damn it," Naruto muttered. "I'm never going to live this down."

"No. No you aren't," Astra said smug from behind him.

Naruto's heart made a mad dash for cover from his throat as his feet achieved liftoff.

"You… heard all of that, didn't you?"

So much shame. She nodded that familiar smile pulling at her lips. Naruto blushed.

"I did."

Well, damn. "Are we ready to leave?" Expert subject change, none better.

Her appealing smile stretched a little wider like she knew exactly what he was doing. "We are. Here."

Some sort of food was placed in his hand. It was leathery and almost warm. Something inside of it squished, squirmed.

"You missed breakfast," her smile was definitely smug, "So I grabbed you some."

"Thank you," Naruto said, more like a question.

"You're welcome," she said to something entirely different.

Naruto's face reddened; he wasn't entirely oblivious, and everything in this place was sexually charged anyways.

"C'mon. Let's go," Astra offered with a nudge of her head. Bright grey eyes met his with an amused sparkle.

Naruto's imagination was somewhere entirely else. "Yeah," he agreed.

That smile stretched to shit-eating proportions.

"Alright!" Astra called to the others from across the clearing, camp broken and rolled up into their backpacks. "We're ready to leave."

"About time," the man grunted, spitting image of Jiraiya. "What took you?"

"Nothing, really," she dismissed.

Erica rolled her eyes again. As Alex's jacket. It was, in fact, disturbing.

"Fine," he accepted, "Let's get going."

And they listened. Because behind his gruffness and goof, there was authority oozing from him with his ego.

"Alright." Astra shrugged.

Naruto found himself staring at the clouds again. The sky was a haunting, familiar shade of blue.

' _You see, this. This is why your virginity hurt me. I hear every thought you have.'_

Naruto supposed that might be true. She also saw the enormous cultural clash inside his head.

' _Blaming circumstance and anything but yourself. How very human.'_

Naruto blinked. She was just jealous; he could tell, somehow.

' _Well. You're not wrong,'_ she said blithely.

Remembering he was holding breakfast, Naruto brought some to his mouth. It tasted like honey, and not much else. Camp food.

Seeing that the conversation had tapered off, Naruto's imagination took back over.

' _If that's what it took to blow your mind, just wait… a week or so,'_ the Loner promised.

She needed a name, stat. Being 'The Loner' would never cut it if he wouldn't let her be alone, ever. It kept hurting his head to call one of his precious people alone.

' _But… procedure!'_ she protested.

Yeah, totally jealous.

' _Fine, fine,'_ she capitulated. ' _I want to be Kara von Stomp.'_

What. What kind of name was that? Serious. He'd heard some stupid names before, Konohamaru meaning essence of Leaf, but that one took the cake, ramen, whatever.

' _Hey, I like it,'_ she defended.

' _You also like being a dick and teasing people_ ,' Naruto mentally argued.

Peripherally, he acknowledged Astra poking his head again.

' _Yes,'_ she said.

' _And now that we've acknowledged_ _that what you like isn't normal, we can find a different name,'_ Naruto argued.

' _That's not very nice…'_ Kara said, faux depressed. She could already tell the argument had been won.

Naruto grumbled. Arguments were cheap when she could read his mind. And the way she gave him just enough rope to hang himself with was a dick move.

' _Ah, I love the smell of defeat in the morning,'_ Kara crowed.

Naruto slumped and looked at Astra for support. Judging by her expression, she was already informed that he had lost that argument.

Damn. Couldn't really hold losing an argument against him, especially when it was a psychic.

"Kara, huh?" Astra nudged him.

"Apparently," Naruto muttered, bitter. Where had the emotionally stunted woman that ranted loquacious about his penis gone? He almost missed her.

' _Keyword: almost. Your love fills me with all these fuzzy feelings.'_

Apparently all an act to fuck with his head. She was just a sadistic tease.

Kara picked up his sentence without punctuation.' _If you complement me like that, I might blush.'_

Naruto ignored her for the time being.

"It suits her," Astra continued, when she had seen Naruto's eyes come back into focus.

"Whips and chains suit her," Naruto muttered back, unwilling to meet her steel eyes.

"Well, I wouldn't go that far. Cock-rings and gender dust seem more like her style."

Naruto choked; he still couldn't get over the openness of this place.

"Gender dust?" he coughed out.

"Just about what it sounds like," Astra explained, amused. "Temporarily changes gender."

Naruto relaxed when he heard the word 'temporarily'.

"And knowing Kara," Astra continued, "She'd just love the way it makes her partner uncomfortable."

' _And your female form is cute. Really cute.'_

Some part of Naruto protested it was supposed to be sexy. Another part was distracted by girl on girl action. Most of him was terrified: just of Kara in general. Which, he supposed, was what she was aiming for.

"Yeah," Naruto choked out, still coughing on something. "That sounds like her." He _was_ uncomfortable.

Astra looked at him oddly for a few moments. "I think you're pretty lucky she doesn't have a libido."

' _You're not getting lucky because I don't have a libido,'_ Kara countered.

That argument would probably work better if he didn't just get laid.

' _True,'_ she conceded, ' _but that was me as well.'_

"I think," Naruto started, "that you might be right."

* * *

They could tell they had nearly reached the Dark Elves when the trees became more sparse yet the canopy cover grew more complete. Instead of the sunshine path they followed, weaving in and out of the mountainous foliage, the undergrowth provided a straight line covered by the greedy branches. Mulch, seeping through shoes, almost stank with the stench of life's circle. The broad leaves interlaced with each other until the sun was blotted out, only filtering down in dark green glow with the occasional sublime teardrop.

"Hrm. It's been a while since I've seen any feral Dark Elves," Alex said, breaking the heavy atmosphere with enviable levity.

His jacket replied. "You were too scared to go back after they drained you dry once," Erica returned, mocking.

Naruto couldn't figure out whether or not to be fearful or excited.

"Well, yeah. I almost couldn't escape the first time. Not that servicing dozens of sexy, cock-crazy elves is a bad fate, but I was always destined for greater," he declared flamboyantly. His outstretched arm was very Jiraiya.

"I don't see why you'd need a harem of Dark Elves when you have me." Her neck stretched around to present her head like a selfie pole. Erica flitted through several appearances in quick succession.

He shrugged. "It's more of a mental, pride based desire than anything physical."

"I guess," the Mechdoll conceded, returning to normal proportions. "It's not like I can empathize."

The ratio of females to males was heavily skewed female. Most females were lucky to get one romantic partner; whereas, most males could easily have a harem of forty and not upset the balance. At least until the male died from too much sex. Worth noting, was that the ratio of females to males became more even when not counting ferals.

There was a pause in the conversation until the veteran tamer spoke up. "Something is wrong. We should have come across a scout by now."

Astra cut in. "By scout you mean an escort to lead us back to their home?" Males were, functionally, guests of honor.

"Well, yes. Either there is some particularly large power play going on, or there's some kind of emergency," Alex explained with a frown.

"That means excitement," Erica pointed out.

"Hell yes!" he declared, mood undergoing a complete 180.

Naruto walked silently, worried on behalf of people he had never met. His hero complex was nigh unmatched by just about anyone.

Also, sexy elves might be grateful that he saved him. Not that he wanted that. It would just happen, naturally.

' _You might want to hurry. They are in immediate danger,'_ Kara urged.

Naruto wasted no time in running fast as he could run through the buoyant, brown undergrowth with nary a word to his companions.

"Naruto!" Astra called. "Where are you going?"

"Kara says they're in danger!" he shouted back, but not looking back.

' _Return her.'_

Naruto listened, finally turning back and targeted Astra with a red beam of light. The last thing he saw was her look of shock. Quickly, he turned back and began running again.

' _Veer into the trees,'_ she commanded.

Naruto did so, bounding across the exposed roots a few feet into the trees. Balancing on a gnarly piece of bark, Naruto skidded to a stop.

Kara was waiting for him, a soft smile briefly flitting across his face. "I'll take you there," she offered with an outstretched hand.

"Sure," Naruto said simply. He was on a mission and his hero complex was driving him forward.

The scene changed, with none of the disorienting sensation of the Body Flicker. The trees were practically the same, but there was a burning amount of sky.

The first thing he noticed was that the woman wasn't naked.

The second thing he noticed was that she was completely berserk.

"Medra, a dragon type pokegirl. A menace class 'girl when feral, but detests the idea of going insane while tame," Kara quickly said. "They're fast, and they-"

A torrent of mono-chrome color spat out her mouth, baptizing the trees with unbridled energy. A gaping hole was revealed, once the light faded, gouged through miles of trees before finally shattering the sky.

"-Spam Hyper Beam," she finished.

"And no," she said, interrupting his thought process, "I didn't plan that."

A pillar of purity ascended almost straight up, skyscribing circling plumes of smoke around it. A dark-skinned woman dove out of the way before crashing undignified on the forest floor. She was pretty, at least from a distance.

"A Dark Elf has extreme light sensitivity. These Hyper Beams render them half blind."

"What are we waiting for?" Naruto said. "Let's do something!"

To punctuate his declaration he released Astra, who no doubt would be pissed at him. The light from the pokeball unsealing was overshadowed by another beam of energy clawing through the trees in an arc like an overhead swing. It sounded reminiscent of a buzzsaw as living foliage was evaporated.

"A Medra," Astra deadpanned. To her credit, she took in her surroundings with remarkable speed.

A Hyper Beam was aborted as the feral decided to rush in with a flurry of claws and fury. Naruto's barely formed thought of 'Save her' was realized by Kara, who teleported to her side.

Given how her hand had not left the blonde's, he was dragged along for the ride.

Kara immediately re-teleported away the moment Naruto caught a glimpse of draconian rage and a large, slitted iris brimming with madness as his hand grasped another.

A moment later, Naruto had returned to his old position in time to watch the feral lunge at nothing. Her mark was overshot, not to mention missing, as she burst forward in a silver bullet, mauling a tree to stop momentum.

The tree folded like a deck of cards. The genin shuddered. If he had stayed there…

The Elf they rescued was clinging to his waist desperately, eyes closed. Her pointed ears twitched backwards in the direction of the rampaging dragon. Dark skin, not a shade of brown but charred black, shimmered against her ash-white hair, the shade of broken charcoal.

And she had huge tits, seriously. They didn't match her relatively short frame at all. At all.

Naked, too.

Of course, Naruto didn't notice that. He was busy paying attention to the emergency.

Intense focus.

"You alright?" Naruto asked quietly, trying not to queue the feral to his location.

Upon realizing her target escaped her grasp, the dragon sawed the tops off miles of trees with a blade of white. The tree tops fell to the side like broccoli crowns; trunks smoldered at an angle, mimicking candle tops. The blue sky crashed into place.

A resounding roar, wrath, rustled the remaining foliage, booming with the force of a shockwave; The Winds scattered.

The Dark Elf nodded once against his chest.

She didn't let go. Her eyes remained closed, and Naruto realized that her vision was functionally negated for the rest of the crisis.

"Good," he said.

'How are we going to defeat her?' was what Naruto almost asked before realizing he was in charge. The genin had never been in charge before.

Shit.

Shimmering wings stretched free from the Medra's back, shining with the light of an exposed sun. They pushed once; the feral achieved liftoff, momentarily. She fell to the ground with a shrill screech of pain.

Kara removed her hand from his, reluctantly. "Medras cannot fly with their armor attached, fortunately. Unfortunately, that armor can withstand absurd amounts of abuse."

Naruto nodded; the planning, evidently, had fallen on him, so he needed this information.

So she couldn't fly, good to know. And then…

Nothing.

Kara snickered quietly. "You'll get there eventually," she teased flatly, terse.

"I don't know what to do," Astra confessed, crushing the remnants of Naruto's hope. She had shown a good strategic mind before. "Too dangerous up close and I'd lose at a distance."

That's right. Hyper Beam.

On cue, any lingering silence was blasted apart by a laser of light.

Finally unlatching from him, the Dark Elf quietly spoke, almost sang, in an unknown language. Naruto gave her a look of incomprehension to pair with a noise of confusion.

She switched to body language, pointing at herself and then the Medra.

Naruto got the gist. She'd help him; and, presumably (hopefully), others of her race might lend a hand as well.

The other Dark Elves were delaying the dragon already, annoying the feral with weak vines and ineffective magics. Apparently they couldn't do much.

Cue laser, that whipped around like a drunken cutlass.

' _I have to do something, soon,'_ Naruto told himself. The other Dark Elves were putting up a valiant effort, but Hyper Beam inducing blindness, the impenetrable armor, and ferocious speed seemed to much for them to handle. They wouldn't hold out for much longer.

His fist clenched.

"Can you," a half formed idea came to him. "Can you read her mind?"

Kara replied in deadpan. "She wants your dick."

"The Medra," he amended quickly.

"I know," a smirk, "But no. Just a fog and unrelenting rage."

Damn.

Something had to be done, that moment. The other elves wouldn't hold out for another minute. Leaping from tree to tree, avoiding claws and teeth, and jumping back and forth avoiding Hyper Beams while blind was quickly failing.

The trees were mostly cleared halfway up.

"Astra," Naruto decided. "Try to sneak in some damage. Kara, make sure she's safe," he ordered.

Of course, he wasn't in the plan. Sidelined again, because he was worthless. Damn it all. He was taking that apology back Pervy-sage.

Astra, reluctantly, nodded. "You can escape in time, your foresight?" she asked for confirmation.

"Yes."

"Alright then."

Just some people risking their life for him. Nothing problematic there.

He was going to kick Pervy-sage in the balls. Twice.

Kara gripped Astra's shoulder and vanished in a portal of purple wisps. Naruto saw them immediately reappear far away, next to the feral.

The dragon woman was upon them instantly with instinct first, claws second, and reason completely abandoned.

The feral swam straight past the cushioning blanket of sparks, tanking the considerable damage to reach her prey. One of them having already eluding her once.

Twice.

Thrice.

A fourth. Magenta energies ribboned about the sky before lashing down and unwinding, only to repeat the process. With unrelenting agility, a silver bullet tracked them and burst through cloud after cloud of electricity.

" _This isn't going to work,'_ Kara informed him, sentence broken twice (twice!) by sudden teleportation. Just how fast was a Medra? ' _Astra doesn't have time to send anything more than jolts.'_

Naruto knew, somehow, that the Loner wasn't capable of teleporting forever as well.

The Dark Elves had taken their brief, much too short, reprieve to regroup and began to harass the Medra with vines and mystical orange bolts. They barely impeded the superhuman dragon but bought fragments of time that Astra greedily snatched up, pouring them into her webs and bolts.

They were still ineffectual. Nothing decisive could be made unless the feral was restrained, utterly.

The first step to a plan was made: the goal. Much less broad than 'subdue the superpowered dragon chick', Naruto now had 'stop the dragon chick from moving.' It wasn't much, but a step was a step. They added together faster than the mind could fathom.

Kara's near never-end cloak of magenta was dulling in luster. In a show of intelligence thought above a feral, the Medra's tail lashed out, gaining an additional hundred vertebrae in milliseconds that quickly closed the distance. Astra, the body shield, was nicked on the cheek by the tail's spade shaped tip.

His fist clenched.

A flesh wound. Not a scratch, a stab that would've pierced her skull had Kara not broken space.

The tail cost the Medra seconds that an electric bolt gobbled up, thirsty. It wasn't enough, but the feral's face reflected the first frame of a pained expression, bursting through the distance, claws outstretched, and tail poised.

Another escape, slower. Vines curled along the Medra's ankles only to be uprooted by disproportionate strength. The scorpion-like, curved and curled with a distinct bend, tail lashed out and punctured a chain of orange energy.

Fingernails dug into palm.

The vines. The vines could stop her if given enough time or preparation. How could he buy enough time and position to set the trap?

The feral was too intelligent to lunge claw first into a writhing mess of vegetation. How?

No doubt Shikamaru would have a dozen options, ranging from excellent to poor, at this juncture. Naruto had never felt more ashamed for being himself.

He snarled Pervy-sage's, Jiraiya's, name like a curse before it circled around in a U-turn of self-loathing, blood pooling in his palms.

They could leave the Dark Elves.

They could leave them.

They could.

' _If you can't-'_

Kara lashed out with her mind, blasting the Medra back a few precious seconds, before warping away to restart the cycle.

' _-think of a plan in time-'_

The most legendary cat-burglars would be jealous of the way the Medra leaped and lashed through a laser field of vines and magic.

' _-I have-'_

Any time they had hoarded for themselves dissipated as a Hyper Beam rent reality in two distinct halves; the feral capitalizing on her desperate new positioning, kick-off craters gouged into the mulch. The weak weaving of voltage was broken past, lazy strands curling to the dragon's figure.

Another escape.

' _A contingency.'_

Connotation curled around 'contingency' like rising fog.

No. He needed to think. He must become the essence of Shikamaru. He had already stared at the clouds like they held occluded secrets; now, he needed to think of a plan.

How to buy those seconds?

Ino-Shika-Cho. The leafs best three person squad for capture (and interrogation).

Ino, the utter subdual. The vines. Hopefully enough to make a tentacled monster pause in molesting school girls and stare in jealous inadequacy. The sequel to 'Cho'.

Shika, the hidden trap. The part he was struggling with. The first and hardest step, left for the most clever clan in Konoha because of that.

Cho, the time between trap and subdual. The time needed for the writhing mass of vines to manifest. The middle step and sequel to 'Shika'.

Naruto had nothing.

Maybe it was time to reevaluate. Astra could do it with more time. And Naruto had surefire experience with how to get more preparation time. Seconds of time were easily gathered above the ground, at great risk.

Kara immediately cottoned onto his thoughts and reappeared mid air with Astra beneath her.

Gathering enough power to short a city, the duo descended like a meteor entering atmosphere. Crackling strings tied Astra to the sky as she bore down with a cloak of energy.

A morphic thunderbolt sped downwards towards the feral.

The Medra dodged. It almost worked, the vines buying the precious fractals of time needed for electrons to close the distance.

Thunderbolt was harmlessly grounded.

They teleported away before the feral caught their prone, air-bound forms. The streak of purple light was torn asunder.

Cue Hyper Beam; that almost worked, teleportation disorienting the senses enough for the laser to almost erase them. Another escape, barely.

Naruto was reminded that in all his experience spamming the Rasengan, that it had never struck true without a teammate to provide a distraction. He was 'Ino', the Rasengan providing enough power to incapacitate nearly anyone. His teammates played Shika, and the enemies frantic, airborne dodge was Cho, in a sense.

An old memory; of a hidden ninja desperately leaping upwards to avoid the grounded shadow, only to be caught by a giant sized arm, and then jutsu interrupted by a square shaped hand-seal; appeared in his mind. He had messed up.

That mistake had cost Astra most of her stamina, and nearly led to their evaporation via Hyper Beam.

Naruto's legs thrummed as the Dark Elf, clutched to his waist again, helped stabilize him. Shikamaru's greatest talent definitely was staying lazy in times of stress.

How risky was that contingency? They could leave them. Options. There was no real stress. The Dark Elves would only be massacred for his incompetence.

So, they couldn't leave.

' _The contingency is the loosest cannon. Ever.'_

Her cool demeanor was a mental band-aid. The stress was still there, but it felt lessened for some reason.

But still, loosest cannon? Sasuke? Just as liable to stab them as their enemy?

' _Just about.'_

Fuck Sasuke. And everything like him, all the Uchiha.

Focus. Intense focus.

Back to the original plan. The mess of vines, Ino. How to provide Shika and Cho?

If this didn't work then it was time for that contingency, luck (plot armor) be with them.

The Medra was moving again, a rush of armor and silver sheen. She jumped once to avoid one pod of vines, only to have a foot snared upon landing by another. Torn through with ease as the feral descended through a harmless jolt.

It clicked. Cho, airborne seconds. Ino, the mess of vines waiting beneath.

Which meant Shika was-

' _-Me.'_

No! That was his first thought, but it was too dangerous! The contingency first!

' _No, I'll do it,'_ Kara calmly refuted. The sudden teleport was timed perfectly with the end of her sentence.

"Damn it," Naruto said aloud. He couldn't let her; he needed a better plan that second.

His mind blanked.

"Damn it all."

Raindrops of blood curled from the pool of blood gathered on his palm.

' _I'll do it. Get ready.'_

In a show of injustice, his mind found the next steps of the plan without struggle. Naruto looked down at the Dark Elf buried into his side.

"Can you tell the others to make a pile of vines somewhere?" Naruto asked her. "We're going to drop her into it." Disdain and self-deprecation seeped through his words, bitter.

The elfin woman didn't understand why he was so angry, but the words and tone were easily interpreted. She nodded once.

Her speech, song, rang through the clearing. The high, melodious tone carried on the air, reaching the sensitive pointed ears of the others.

Tentacles shot out of the forest floor, wrapping and weaving around others to make an interlocked rope of vegetable mess. It kept getting larger, and the tentacles grew thicker and more phallic looking.

Naruto couldn't look at the phallic vines without blushing or being afraid: shameful, given the circumstances.

Kara flashed around the clearing while Astra was just dragged along, stalling for time rather than seeking chip damage.

Despite hoping, praying, that the feral might run headlong into the winding mess of plant, the Medra ran around it.

Eventually, five or so teleports later, the feral decided that it was too much of a nuisance and gathered white wisps of photons behind her throat.

' _Now!'_ Naruto thought.

Kara left Astra standing on her own as she appeared behind the dragon. Making contact, the Loner teleported to the sky above the tentacles, cargo in tow.

The prepared Hyper Beam fired directly upwards. Kara must have psychically reoriented them while skybound. Its backlash sent them careening downwards. Together.

From behind her, the Medra's tail unwound and made to draw blood desperately. All Kara could do was psychically manipulate the spaded tip so it didn't pierce her. Instead it ravelled around the Loner's prone form, binding her in a way that would be erotic if the situation wasn't so dire.

The Medra used the leverage she had grasped in her tail to turn around as the tail squeezed like a metallic python.

There was a race. Would Kara die of asphyxiation, falling, or claws?

This plan. It was all his fault. He was powerless, unable to fight or think tactically, and his hero complex led a friend to her death.

This had never happened before. Naruto had never had the option of choosing between a friend and the good of others. He wanted to scream, desperately, for her to teleport away. But the Medra would be dragged with her, and then they would be back to square one.

Ino, the tentacles.

Shika, the teleportation.

Cho, the drop.

He hadn't counted on the tail reacting so quickly. Too quickly, that Kara couldn't teleport away in time.

With all the arrogance of an alpha predator, the Medra was content to squeeze the life out of her elusive prey. Claw were bared in case there was any hope of escape.

The distance between them and the tentacles was closing rapidly. Naruto knew that they would be caught, but the tail would remained wrapped around Kara's throat, a silvery, glittering noose.

Should they go back to square one?

Could he choose?

The Dark Elf at his side relaxed, hearing that the threat would be ended in short order. Like a sexual predator and a flower rolled in one, the heap of tentacles opened up to accept its target.

Could he choose?

The pressure mounted as the distance closed.

"The wings!" he shouted with all the air in his lungs and force of will. He always had been loud.

Naruto had always thought better under pressure, brain working better when it wasn't supposed to work. And he hoped, something he was doing too much of, that she heard, and she could react in time.

Kara gave no indication that she had heard him, other than turning more blue, but purple energies pulled at the base of the Medra's wings.

The feral screeched in pain; Psychic capitalized, pulling at the tail enough to take a deep breath. The metallic appendage was loosened enough and one last surge of magenta pushed at the remaining contact.

Kara teleported away while the Medra stayed, falling into a pit of tentacles. Her tail snapped shut, crushing nothing. There was a roar of draconic fury as her prey eluded her once again.

The roar ceased abruptly when a phallic tentacle was shoved down her throat.

Well, that should stop Hyper Beam? Despite everything, the blonde felt bad.

At his side in a sloppy collage of color, Kara heaved deep breaths of air. Naruto swiftly, rudely, detached the Dark Elf from him to kneel down next to her.

He'd hug the air out of her once she could breath normal.

"That was really fucking stupid," he said. With practice, he ignored the flashbacks of Kakashi looking at him, saying those same words with his eye(s).

"Well I-" Deep breaths, "-I can't disagree."

Naruto laughed for Kara because she looked like she really needed the air. That kind of relieved laughter as the stress burst free from his lungs.

The blonde hugged her anyways, pulling her lopsided from her knees into an awkward hug. He'd grip the air from her later.

The elfin woman stood by, awkward. Astra walked up a few minutes later, every Dark Elf in the forest with her.

"Did you know you're an idiot?"

Kara laughed weakly. "Yes."

"Just checking."

There was a noticeable pause when everybody stopped to stare at Naruto. The respectful stares as everyone stared at him without blinking.

"What?" But why were they looking at him?

It didn't help that Kara broke into choked laughter, dick.

"Aren't you going to tame her?" Astra asked like he was a moron.

Naruto scowled before confusion settled in. "What."

He was supposed to sex up a dragon woman with a very dangerous, prehensile tail? No thank you.

"It'd be terrible not to," Astra pointed out.

"Ah, to have gone through that life-threatening ordeal for nothing," Kara's hand met her brow as her voice turned dramatic.

Naruto's scowl deepened; they weren't going to guilt him into this. The Loner's beatific smile, no lips all teeth, said otherwise.

"Naruto. The Medra does not wish to be berserk. Taming her would restore her mind from the _pain_ she's in."

When all else fails, use his hero complex. And Kara knew full his experience with the kyuubi, and twisted it for, well, an actual altruistic goal.

The blonde's face scrunched up.

"If you try to procrastinate this it'll backfire," Astra cautioned, gaining the ability to read minds from somewhere. Or maybe she was reading him. "You'll release the Medra and she'll Hyper Beam wherever she's pointed at."

"Maybe he's a sadist?" Kara pointed out whimsically.

It actually wasn't whimsical in the slightest. Very calculated and used to manipulate Naruto the best. To be fair, the moron would probably wind up doing the same thing, no manipulation needed, if he read the 'Dex entry. But still, manipulative.

Naruto's shoulders slumped in defeat. "Alright, let's-" he froze as his eyes scanned over the circled Dark Elves.

"Are they… going, going to watch?"

"Where else would they be?" Kara asked, teeth glittering; it didn't match her eyes that danced between the elves.

With nowhere else to direct his anger, since a bunch of sexy elfin woman weren't a valid target, he decided to curse Pervy-sage under his breath. This was all his fault, somehow.

"They're going to watch," Naruto repeated dumbly.

He had just lost his virginity hours ago, and now this? Really.

"Fuck, Pervy-sage. Find a more perverted place, would you?" Naruto griped to himself. Cause damn it.

Meeting Kara's eyes to bitch some more, Naruto stopped. Her eyes were hazy and unfocused as they trailed between the empty spaces of the Dark Elves.

Demophobia, or fear of crowds, was the Loner's namesake.

Naruto nudged at the elf still clinging to him. Her eyes opened for the first time as they stared at him, squinted from the blue sky. They were bedroom pink, unlike the malevolent red her sisters bore.

"Can you stay with her?"

The Dark Elf paused before nodding once.

Naruto walked off, hoping that the crowd of Dark Elves would trail after him like baby ducks, leaving Kara nearly alone.

' _Thank you.'_

' _Well, it's not like I'd leave you surrounded like that,'_ Naruto explained. The last thing the Loner needed to do was teleport again: she had done more than enough.

' _You left me with the weirdest one though,'_ Kara complained, more as a token of resistance. ' _Also the bustiest one, so no real complaints.'_

That was true. The odd elf woman that had latched onto him had breasts greater than the others of her species, and they had boobs that were overly large for their short frames as well. Staple Tsunade-boobs, a myth in and of themselves, to a woman a head shorter than the Hokage.

Well, it's not like this perverted world couldn't offer bigger. Like, hell, boobs that big were the norm!

' _She may look like a sex kitten, but…'_ Kara trailed off.

Was she afraid? Kara, scared?

What?

' _The Dark Elves are cutthroat when there's no males around. And they certainly aren't above jealousy. That this one has lived for so long means that she's incredibly…'_

Kara trailed off again. Naruto was beginning the pink-eyed elf may be too much for him to handle. Or anyone else, for that matter, if Kara of all people was frightened by her.

' _Incredibly what?'_ Naruto asked, wishing he hadn't.

' _... Savage.'_

Savage? That wasn't what he was expecting.

' _Ruthless, merciless, extreme, retaliatory, take your pick. She won't instigate anything, but if you start something…'_

Naruto got the big picture. She was the most powerful Dark Elf because the other ones all had breast envy. Jealousy that they'd kill over. And somehow, she had lived, despite every other elf wishing her dead.

Naruto shivered, more from Kara being scared of her than any real understanding.

' _Exactly.'_

Naruto had reached the writhing mass of tentacled vines, and stopped a safe distance away. Safe distance, being barely within eyesight. Those were phallic tendrils of plant. The kind that would molest schoolgirls!

His feet remained planted. There was fear.

Astra walked up from behind him and began pushing, his feet digging trails in the dirt, metaphorically. She wasn't strong enough to actually move him. "Come on. It's just tentacles."

Just tentacles?! Said the female!

"No, I think that the Medra is in the other direction," Naruto told her.

"Get a move on."

Where had her good mood gone?

Approaching the heap of vegetation, Naruto shivered. They scraped against each other, like a brood of snakes or the largest gay orgy, ever.

"Can I just… not?" he asked, willing to take any excuse.

' _Of course you get the tentacles. Some guys get all the luck.'_

"You're not helping, Kara," Naruto said, low. Then he realized that was never her goal; she had filled her helpful quota for the day.

With a pulse of primal, plant, energy the mess of tentacles parted to reveal the bound form of the Medra. Her silvery hair was in total disarray as it cascaded down her back. Wrists bound behind her back in an all too familiar shinobi bind, the kind that dislocated limbs if the prisoner struggled too much. Her tail was the most secured piece, wrapped like a massive Chinese finger trap made of greenery and tethered at every angle to the concave entrance: pulled to the left of her body. The feral was suspended loosely off the ground by her wings, in what was probably an unnecessary display of cruelty- yet, given the positioning, no leverage could be purchased to wrench free.

Naruto was pretty glad he couldn't see her face. There was a tentacle shoved down her throat that he didn't know how to feel about.

He didn't know how to feel about all these phallic plants either. Mostly anxious.

Really anxious.

The way they wriggled against each other without stopping wasn't reassuring. The audience behind him wasn't reassuring. The dragon woman who would be only too happy to rip him apart also wasn't comforting.

"What are you waiting for?" Astra demanded, not comforting. Naruto knew that her foot was tapping impatiently without visual confirmation.

He looked back at the bluenette, nervous. "The tentacles to stop looking like dicks," he replied honestly.

Sure, he was all about not letting fears dominating people. But this was…

No.

' _You're not just going to let her suffer, are you? Doomed to be molested by tentacles forever?'_

No, he just needed to bitch about it and work up the nerve.

' _Plus she's hot. Those pointed ears are sexy, and those legs…'_

Naruto couldn't really see it through the armor. And she was really starting to sound like Pervy-sage. The ears were pretty exotic though, along with the hair and skin color.

' _C'mon. I live vicariously through you, and I really want to know how it feels to rail this chick.'_

Kara wasn't really helping.

He was going to do it. Her. Whatever. The Loner helping or no.

But just…

Not yet?

' _It's easy. Just drop your pants, take off the piece of armor that covers that sweet, sweet pussy, and go straight for the kill.'_

It was that easy. But there was an audience. And tentacles. Not yet. He just needed to stare in horror at the pile of phallic vines for a bit longer.

There was a pause, in which the only sound heard was the sinewy rustle of plant dick.

"Alright. Kara says you need help," Astra stated.

She stepped forward, unbuckled his pants while he was trapped in shock, and pushed him forward with a harsh shove.

The blonde flinched as a tip hanging from the concave ceiling brushed against him. He stopped as he bumped into the Medra, tripping over his pants.

' _Damn. She's good. De-pantsing you and tripping you all in one. I've gotta do something nice for her.'_

"Fuck you Kara."

' _One week.'_

He devoutly ignored whatever musical chatter the Dark Elves behind him were having.

Naruto almost groaned before capitulating, and steadied himself against the Medra's armored back. His hands dipped down the polished armor and tried to fumble around with the crotch piece.

Groin Armor? Pussy Protector? Chastity Belt? Whatever it was he managed to peel it off her skin like it was an orange peel.

' _A Medra's armor is sealed to her skin. You can give it back when she's tame.'_

Naruto dropped it in shock at the sight of her vagina, glistening with whatever glue stuck the armor to her. He was still a recent virgin, and wasn't quite inundated to the sight.

Cautiously, he reached out and poked it. It was the pleasant squish of female skin. Naked female skin. Arousal built.

' _Oh for fuck's sake, just stick it in and have your lesson on female anatomy later.'_

Naruto glared at nothing, but it was directed at Kara.

Her mental voice softened. ' _Naruto. She's feral. No doubt she'll let you explore her in depth later, this just needs to be done. You don't really want to drag it out, right?'_

Kara was right. He was just prolonging the discomfort. So, with all the grace of a virgin, he pressed his head against the feral's pussy, and pushed in.

It definitely could be more slick, was his first thought. His second thought was 'Holy Shit. Pussy.' because it was still a novel experience.

Ignoring the odd lump that was the tied up tail, Naruto focussed on moving his hips. The feral's body squirmed as much as the restraints allowed, and quickly slickened.

His mind blanked; it was suddenly maddeningly pleasurable. He sped up, chasing the feeling.

"D-damn," he muttered, feeling his legs burn. His hands found a grip around her stomach. All he wanted to do was reach up and squeeze her boobs but her imposing height made it impossible, combined with the odd plants jutting out that constricted her to one place.

The feeling of cold, hard steel was a jarring difference from the heat that had overtaken him.

He sped up again, feeling the urge to increase his pleasure. Her vaginal walls had grown moist enough to accept a faster pace, and burned with an otherworldly heat.

What even was time?

"Fuck." Sage above, he was close. Hopefully it would be enough, because he didn't think he would be able to work up the nerve again.

Still didn't know how this taming thing worked aside from sex.

Hot sex. With one last mad dash for the finish line Naruto slammed his hips against the Medra's. He almost cried with relief when he felt the vaginal walls quiver with the telltale sign of female orgasm.

It ended with one last harsh thrust, before his arms tightened around her stomach in a steady hug as he froze, releasing inside her.

The second his mind returned, he leapt off her like a hot stove. "Kara," he panted. "She's tame, right?"

There was a disturbing lack of response. ' _Kara!'_ he shouted mentally.

' _That was good. That, or I'm in a long dry spell.'_ She paused. ' _Definitely the dry spell.'_

"Were you watching that?" Naruto asked, unsure how to feel.

' _I was living it,'_ she corrected, saucy.

"Alright." Naruto changed the subject. "Is she tame?"

' _Yeah. Just in taming shock. You can put her in a pokeball now.'_

Naruto did so, ignoring the spots in his eyes from the flash as he latched the orb into his belt. There were now four occupied slots, and twenty seven pokeballs… somewhere, in hammerspace?

He turned around to meet the bored eyes of Astra, and a court of Dark Elves staring at his crotch. This was becoming a pattern.

Naruto was too worn out to care at this point. He was naked, and owned it. Picking up his pants, he walked out of the mess of vines. The happy feelings coursing through his body might have also contributed to that.

"I don't think things can get worse than that," he told Astra.

"I know. At least put on a show next time."

' _I think I'm in love with her.'_

' _Pretty sure I am too,'_ Naruto replied. Astra was a beautiful soul that he just wanted to hug. If only she'd loosen up a little she'd be perfect.

Perfection was overrated anyways.

"What do we do now?" There was no way he was replying to that statement, beautiful or not.

The bluenette glanced at him. "First, put your pants on. And then, the Dark Elves can lead us back to their home."

' _Your Medra also needs a name. Procedure, yes?'_

"Her name is Konan," Naruto decided, proudly.

"Wonderful. Put some pants on."

* * *

 **Author's Note(s):**

The chapter was going to be longer, maybe twice that length, maybe triple, but I decided to cut it here. It's only noon there, about. Sheesh.

The first lemon, although it was short given the circumstances, was probably the weirdest I could think of. Naruto, screwing a completely berserk dragon-woman against a cave of phallic tentacles, with an audience. Top that. Also, it was originally longer, but really, there wasn't much to work with. One position, no talking, and it all just made for some pretty awful smut. So, I decided to cut out a lot of words from it and make it part of the plot instead. The original had a really weird conversation with Kara, and I'm glad it got cut.

I'm happy with this chapter, not much else to say. Below are some Edited Dex Entries, but, um, yeah. See you next time?

Oh, wait, boobs. Even women on planet earth right now are vain, have expectations for their appearance, and breast envy. To go to a world like pokegirls, where the ratio of males to females is terribly skewed would mean that the females are even more competitive over appearance. And boob size. And with every non-poison and plant type being able to have bloom powder, chest size will rise. And even those types can get robbed by a Hentaicute for bigger boobs. The only ones that don't have the immutable ability, and they either don't care, or have an idealized figure anyways. Because breast size is adjustable, I think I'm just going to stop mentioning it in every non-poison and plant types' entry. Bigger boobs is obviously good in those types as a Hentaicute won't completely rob a tamer if they already have a bigger bust.

I think I'd reason a Hentaicute boob growth treatment would be 20 Million credits, just because their service is unique, and keeping a Hentaicute isn't easy. That's the price of a house. A cheap one, but a house. Maybe a fancy car instead.

 **Edited 'Dex Entries**

 **Medra, the Silent Dragon Pokegirl**

Human-like

Element: Steel, Dragon

Frequency: Rare / Very Rare (Tamed or Domestic / Feral)

Average Sale Price: 5 million credits

Threshold Sale Price: 15 million credits

Diet: Omnivorous, Human Standard (x2)

Role: Bodyguards, Professional Battler, Destruction, Assault, Personal Trainer

Libido: High

Enhancement(s): Speed (x8), Endurance (x8), Strength (x6), Vision (x5), Hearing (x7), Durability (x5 [when armored]),

Abilities: Hammerspace Armor, Prehensile Tail, Extendable Tail, Flight (unarmored), Claws, Hyper Beam has no Recharge

Weaknesses: Proud, Expectant, Berserk while Feral

Bounty: 10 million credits for successful capture + taming, 5 million credits for elimination, 300,000 for discovery, 100,000 for update

Evolves: None

Pre-Evolution: **Draco, the Hunter Dragon Pokegirl** (via Near-Feral + Pokeball Transporter + Heavy Metal)

Physically, a Medra stands at 215 cm, or 7ft, with little variance. To support such a tall figure, powerful legs contain massive amounts of musculature, and without fail are corded and bulging with power. Excess body fat is lost and nigh impossible to regain, so the ripped, solid muscular tissue is easily visible even through loose layers of clothing. The next largest concentration of muscles are on a Medra's back, in order to support a 550 cm, 18ft, wingspan, and the muscles it takes to move them are aligned with her back. Everywhere else, the muscular frame is easily visible, and unhidden by fat or other tissue. The ears lengthen upon evolution, and gain significant sensory upgrades as well, yet a Medra seems to lose these while feral. Their coloration is always silver, everywhere except the eyes, which occasionally are seen with other colors (mostly thresholds). Silver scales conform to her body closely, and at a distance can pass for off-color skin. Facial features are less variable, and always have a unique cast that researchers have labelled 'draconic', given how the genetics of dragons are less variable, and more similar to cloning. Because of this, it is difficult to tell the difference between two Medra standing side by side, unless one of them is thresholded in some fashion.

The most unique biology a Medra possesses, is the tail and armor. The tail is fully prehensile, maneuverable, extends, retracts, senses pressure and heat, as well as changes form at the tip. It can be used as a third arm, used as a counterbalance to enable even faster running speed, or plant itself in the ground to stabilize the Medra while firing Hyper Beam. The armor can sink into the Medra's skin as if she were liquid, and can be manifested from Hammerspace in moments. Both tail and armor are made of a powerful alloy, the exact composition depending on the metals of the Heavy Metal used in evolution. The durability of the armor is variable, but can be anywhere from 4 to 6 times durability. If any piece of the armor is damaged, it can be reformed in moments, and given the way it sinks into a Medra's skin has little risk of caving in and crushing the Medra. Thusly, a Medra's durability enhancement is a little deceptive as she can take much more abuse than numbers would suggest.

A Medra is fully capable of sustained flight, but is unable to carry a passenger for great length. Gliding is possible while carrying a tamer, and a Medra takes great delight in being able to fly, unlike her Pre-Evolution. The wings, as one might expect, are bat-like, the bones being completely replaced by a hollow, metal frame needed to support the flight of such a heavy pokegirl.

Like many dragon type pokegirls, a Medra's behavior is instinctual and varies little from individuals unless thresholded. They are content to remain quiet and walk behind their tamer respectfully, always judging if their tamer is worthy of respect. Their silence is ingrained into their genetics, and extracting more than a few words from a Medra is a great challenge. In contrast, they are physically affectionate, and enjoy bodily contact frequently. When not following their tamer, a Medra improves herself, vigorously working her already powerful muscles and fighting instincts to greater heights. Unlike more solitary dragons, a Medra welcomes the company of anyone willing to work during these training sessions, and is delighted, non-verbally, to help others improve themselves, especially their tamer. Tamers who join their Medra whenever she is improving nearly guarantee her loyalty; whereas, if a tamer does not, the Medra will constantly be watching for inadequacy. Medra's are known to leave their tamer's frequently, if this is the case. Socially, a Medra stands and watches conversations, and it has been determined that they enjoy being part of a group even if not participating. Compliments and flattery are always effective with prideful dragon types, and the Medra are no exception. Very few bother to do so, as a Medra who dislikes someone merely gives an aloof 'cold shoulder' which is her natural disposition, regardless.

When it comes to the draconic hierarchy, Medra's are in an odd position. They seem to think that they are in charge, yet have no desire for leadership. Most other dragon types tend to ignore the Medra because of this, as they are all reluctant to compete with a, likely, superior pokegirl. As such, they seem to be exempt from the caste system and totemic hierarchy that dragons seem to favor, and the other dragon typed pokegirls are happy to keep it that way.

Sexually, Medra's have high libidos. Thankfully, there is no need for restraints unlike other dragon types, as a Medra's steel typing seems to self-regulate. They have a preference for being dominant, and enjoy physical intimacy, but all Medra are willing to submit to any sexual desire as long as they are tamed. Their high libido pushes them to feraldom quickly, and are willing to take sexual stimulation whenever it is offered or available. When Near-Feral, a Medra will become increasingly desperate to be tamed, and will seek out a taming from any available source. Many have joked that their libido jumps to extreme when Near-Feral, but this is false, as that would mean a Medra descends into feraldom faster as well.

While feral, a Medra is a Menace class pokegirl, and should be treated as such. Run away unless confident in victory, or at least not dying. A feral Medra is entirely berserk, filled with rage and pain, and spends the entirety of a feral state sleepless and seeking to lash out at the world. They wouldn't be quite so dangerous if they couldn't use Hyper Beam repeatedly, making any endeavor to attack at a range doomed for failure. Leagues advise tamers to flee, as Medra's are much less dangerous to the prepared and experienced.

Thresholding directly into a Medra is unheard of, but given how easy evolution is to procure, the price of one Heavy Metal, a Medra is functionally the same price as a Draco. Threshold Draco often are traded away with a Heavy Metal to tamers that want a powerful and relatively inexpensive dragon pokegirl.

 **End Entry.**

 **Dark Elf, the Mystic S &M Pokegirl**

Near Human/Human-like

Element: Poison, Magic

Frequency: Very Uncommon / Rare (Tamed or Domestic / Feral)

Average Sale Price: 20 Million Credits / 35 Million Credits (Normal / Matron)

Threshold Sale Price: 30 Million Credits

Diet: Human Standard

Role: Tactician, Covert Ops, Pet, Combat

Libido: Average

Enhancement(s): Speed (x4), Agility (x4), Endurance (x2), Sight (x4), Hearing (x7),

Abilities: Magic Affinity, Poison Affinity, Poison Resistance (Standard), Longevity, Night-Vision, Genetic BDSM Affinity

Weaknesses: Night-Vision - Extreme Light Sensitivity

Evolves: **Dark Lady, the Seething Sycophant Pokegirl** (via Moon Stone), **Enchantress, the Sexy Genius Pokegirl** (Mana Crystal), **Domina, the Kinky Playmate Pokegirl** (Leaf Stone)

Pre-Evolution: **Drow Zee, the Elf Variant Pokegirl** (via Dark or Venom Stone)

Dark Elves are league regulated pokegirls. Any and all tamers of a Dark Elf must check into a local league bi-annually and upon capture/taming. This is in an effort to monitor potential Dominas or Dark Ladies for public safety.

Physically, Dark Elves are slightly shorter than human standard, with long, lithe limbs, and bodacious curves; in other words, they are impossibly bodied for a human woman. Their skin is a solid black from head to toe that's smooth and covered with a slight slick sheen, used to release poisons upon bodily contact if they desire, otherwise it is inert and just adds an otherworldly smoothness. Their hair is colorless, the shade of chalk or ash, and possess red eyes that shine in the dark and have extreme light sensitivity. Facial features are narrow and delicate, always appealing, and their ears are large and pointed, gently tapered at the tip.

The beauty of a Dark Elf can be traced back to Sukebe, who created the breed for one sole purpose: seduction. Despite his genius, he was but one man, and needed to recruit others that would help him tame his forces. Appealing to the people he knew best, the virgin nerds, Sukebe designed the ultimate temptation: a bloodthirsty beauty that slavishly worshipped them like in their virginal, nerdy, JRR Tolkien-esque fantasies. Thousands of men left the human forces because of these pokegirls, and effectively supplied free labor for Sukebe, who they worshipped as the ultimate wingman that ended their sexless depression.

Researchers are still debating whether or not Dark Elves should remain in the Near Human category, or be moved to the Human-like section. While in appearance they are Near Human, a number of researchers claim that their drastic behavioral differences should move them, and an equal number claim that differentiating species like that because of non-physical developments is unscientific, and their behavior could be entirely socially based (threshold and domestic studies certainly suggest that is the case, but have large inconsistencies). Regardless, Dark Elves are known for savage infighting, and tactically minded power plays. Given the opportunity, a Dark Elf would happily murder another Dark Elf, while feral or not, without hesitation. Dark Elves that live long enough, nearly ten years since first puberty, are known as Matrons, who have simply lived long enough to realize that taking a reactive stance is much better than progressive proactivism among other easily offended killers. That said, their reactions are terribly disproportionate, and the barest of slights is retaliated with escalation beyond reason or belief.

Given their cutthroat tendencies, Dark Elves would have gone extinct if not for their remarkable reproductive system. Once every two years, a Dark Elf will undergo parthenogenesis alongside every other Dark Elf. Even still, these population booms wouldn't be enough if there wasn't a stable population of long-lived Matrons. Some feral Dark Elf Matrons are speculated to have produced fifty or more progeny in their considerable lifetime.

Ingrained behavior goes even deeper. A Dark Elf has a genetic weakness towards males, Matrons included, and they will instinctively obey any male while feral. While tame, this manifests as unconditional obedience to their male tamer. This is the sole redeeming feature of a Dark Elf, at least among the opinions of the populace. Dark Elves have unfavored evolutions all around, as all of them have problems of their own, and if it wasn't this dependency on the Y chromosome, then they would be regarded as pest pokegirls, in all likelihood.

Harem dynamics are odd. Dark Elves are fully capable of liking and disliking harem sisters, but without fail grow increasingly more bloodthirsty without attention from their male tamer. As far as pokegirls go, needing moderate amounts of attention is nothing to be worried about, but their reaction is always terribly excessive. If attention is withheld for short amounts of time, tamers have found their pokegirls missing or brutally murdered.

These instincts go even deeper sexually, having a deep love and appreciation of soft-core BDSM, preferring blindfolds and ropes to whips and chains. They enjoy being the dominant or submissive in equal measures, and appreciate a tamer who is willing to indulge their desires. Given a tamer's natural position of authority over than them in life, they enjoy the small dominance they can hold over their tamer a little more than being submissive, although they greatly enjoy either regardless. Oftentimes, such dominance is so arousing to them that they lose themselves to desire. Dark Elves are somewhat bisexual, and may be willing to be tamed alongside harem-sisters, but the solo attention may help insure the life of a tamer's other pokegirls.

In battle, a Dark Elf likes to take advantage of her natural speed and poisons to wear down her opponent. Otherwise, she'll use her offensive grass type attacks to maintain distance and hope to slip in a toxin or magic attack. In high level battles, most tamers will spend the relatively low cost, an evolution stone, to evolve a Dark Elf into one of her disliked, yet highly effective, evolutions. In sex battles, Dark Elves are banned; it only took a couple 100% heterosexual Dark Elves combined with their immunity to lust enhancing drugs and pheromones before the competitive panel cottoned on, and banned them. In addition, they could secrete poison from their skin during intimacy that disabled the moderately effective Dildoqueen. The only pokegirls to combat them effectively were the Manage-a-trois with their Aura of Lust, that tournament officials don't wish to encourage the use of in any way. Thusly, they are banned.

Thresholded Dark Elves are resistant to the primal mental changes, and have a tendency to keep their mind while gaining a genetic loyalty to males. Most families struggle to find a buyer as their daughter finds a male to bond with too quickly to make arrangements. The shift is relatively painless, but the girl in question will be knocked unconscious in order to adjust to the mental changes. The most painful part of the process is the ears, as skin pigmentation can be changed without harm. For some reason, the poison glands manifest without pain as well, perhaps the anesthesia gland developing first.

 **End Entry.**

 **Excerpt from "A Short Overview of Pokegirls" by Professor Suckamore, Titled "Dragon".**

Dragon types are notorious for their strength and intelligence, and somewhat less so for their enhanced senses. But what truly separates a dragon-type pokegirl from other pokegirls, aside from their impressive set of elemental resistances, is their behavior and instincts.

Dragon-typed pokegirls, while feral or tame, form a rigid hierarchy among themselves. Researchers, myself included, are inclined to believe that, in the same way that humans are 'Social Creatures', that Dragon-types are 'Dominant Creatures': Years of research have culminated into that simple explanation.

In one experiment, a Bratini was placed among a group of Draco, Dracona, and Dragoness's. Naturally, the Bratini was the lowest among the totem pole. For years of being the least regarded with no change, the Bratini made several uncharacteristic outbursts and overt challenges to some of the weaker Draco among the group. When the experiment was changed, by adding another (younger) Bratini to the storm of dragons, the original Bratini no longer lashed out at the Draco or any other subject. The second Bratini, however, began to lash out at her weakest superior, the first Bratini. From these experiments, it can be concluded that Dragon-typed pokegirls need to be dominant over others. To prove this point, a Damsel was added to the storm. Once the dragons accepted they were unable to harm the Damsel, the two Bratini were able to live without any sign of overthrowing the authority of other dragons. Of course, this isn't recommended for any but the Damsel, as Dragon-types are powerful enough to kill any less durable pokegirl. As a sidenote, researchers are beginning to speculate that the Damsel is meant to act in such a manner among Dragon-types, recovered media from Sukebe's are suggests this may be true.

With this 'Dominant Behavior', a Dragon-types pride naturally increases as well. Feral or otherwise, a pokegirl with a dragon typing is always susceptible to flattery and compliments, true or otherwise. Flattery does not lead to a Dragon-type pokegirl to feel dominant over her tamer, apparently something Sukebe already accounted and overrode via taming, like some researchers among conservative leagues would suggest.

 **End Article.**

 **Omake**

Konan sneezed; fortunately, she always had a tissue. Always.

Nagato was a germaphobe, though, even while puppeting Yahiko's body.

And so, he sought to remove the harmful germ particles. "Almighty Push."

 **End Omake.**


	5. Chapter 5, Adventure Day 2 Pt 2

**Chapter 5**

 **The Assassin's Forest**

 **Or, at Least They're Hot?**

 **Through the depths of writer's block, lack of motivation, real life, and my own inadequacies; I bring you an update. I mean, sure, it's on time, but I struggled with it. Cut me some slack.**

 **Or not. Keep up that attitude and I'll stop pandering to you… Or I won't begin to pander to you! There!**

* * *

Dark Elves, in Naruto's educated opinion, were completely fucking bonkers.

They had a nice village though. Having mastered the art of landscaping, as most sub-human beings or those treated that way do, they sang their trees into their houses among the forest. The treehouses, on a much larger scale, were idyllic in their peace. The long, sloping architecture was distinctly non-human, who had preferences for the square. Between them stood massive trees, and given their size had to have been there from before Sukebe; apparently, not even Sukebe could take wood that thick.

Tranquility flowed like the breeze, and everything looked orderly. It was like what Konoha would be like if they were all tree-hugging environmentalists, as Hidden Stone would have the elemental nations believe.

So obviously, there was something wrong, mentally, with Dark Elves if they'd prefer to stab each other than hold hands and sing songs of peace and other topics unfamiliar to shinobi. Instead they stabbed each other with smiles on their faces, like little psychopathic, ninja prodigies who could whack their family and enemies to bits before even hitting puberty.

Except puberty obviously had not missed them. In fact, it was inordinately kind to them. The clothing market was not however, as they were all naked.

There was nowhere safe to look, Naruto complained to his feet as he walked further into their hamlet.

' _I have no idea why you're not looking,'_ Kara said, ' _All this eye candy begging for you to stare at them.'_

' _It's not their bodies! It's their eyes, they won't look away!'_

Just to prove his point he looked up and counted at least ten pairs of red eyes staring at him. Naruto shivered.

 _You'll make me jealous,'_ she pouted. ' _All those hot elves and they won't even look at me.'_

' _Don't you have a fear of crowds?'_ Naruto asked.

' _... Yes.'_

' _So isn't them not staring a good thing?'_

' _Look. You dream of people staring at you respectfully and saying "Hokage-sama", and I dream of evolving and having a lesbian orgy,'_ she explained.

He shrugged, fair enough. And, he wasn't going to argue against a potential lesbian orgy at all; sue him, he was male and alive.

But really, in most of his dreams, the people were either in his office-and outnumbered due to the ANBU, or he was enjoying the adulation from atop the Hokage tower, a safe distance where he couldn't see their eyes. Sure, it was unrealistic, but weren't most fantasies?

' _Don't forget about the hot woman underneath your desk,'_

' _I'm not falling for that.'_

' _Damn, there goes my other goal in life."_

Naruto felt a twinge of disappointment even though he acknowledged she was fucking with his head, again. It would be easier on his libido if she would stop.

' _Please stop,'_ he requested with no real hope.

' _No. You're way too much fun.'_

Naruto groaned before rubbing his temples. He felt calm, despite the teasing. That wasn't like him at all, but he couldn't bring himself to get indignant.

' _That's worrying too,'_ Kara said. ' _I'll get back to you once the eye candy is gone.'_

There was a pause, but it was shorter than Naruto's thoughts could formulate, but one. That was Kara peering from a distance to perv on a bunch of elves.' _Or you got laid. I hear that helps.'_

' _Maybe… How long is this going to take?'_

He had been walking for a solid five minutes, and given the unified organization of the treetop retreat, he felt like he was walking in circles. And given his association with that was genjutsu, it grated on his nerves with remarkable speed.

Plus, pro subject change. Acquired habit from dealing with Kara for any length of time.

' _Not much longer. You're just about there.'_

' _... Where is there?'_

" _You'll find out."_

What a douchebag, seriously. He'd be worried if deep under that layer of tsundere snark she cared for-

Yeah. He couldn't finish that sentence either.

' _If your goal was to have me break our "psychic connection", you came pretty close. And pay attention. You don't see legs like those every day. Well, unless you see me.'_

Those were a pristine pair of thighs. She seemed to be a normal Dark Elf, run of the mill and staring like the rest, but those legs could slice diamond.

If, you know, he cared about those things, then he might have noticed.

' _You should snap a pic with your 'Dex.'_

No, he shouldn't. ' _That's weird.'_

' _Legs like those deserve to be admired and preserved for posterity.'_

' _Stop being so pervy. Please.'_

' _Are we looking at the same pair of legs? Because there's no way you could just dismiss them like that.'_

' _They're just legs?'_

' _... You're asexual. You have to be. Reproduce via cloning and all that jazz.'_

Naruto decided to let the silence be his reply.

' _Alright, so you do clone yourself.'_

The lair of legs, attached to a random objectified woman, had passed view just from the slow pace he walked.

Maybe Kara would drop the subject.

' _Not likely. You should have talked to her. Totally could've had those legs wrapped around your head by tonight if you cared.'_

He didn't care; that was why there was no mental image of those lithe, long, luscious, other 'L' adjectives, legs wrapped around his his head.

' _Maybe you're gay?'_

Didn't she see his thoughts, and see how blatantly false that was? The telepathy almost worked in both directions.

' _Touché,'_ Kara said. ' _That's why my personality did a complete 180 after you figured me out.'_

' _What is your personality anyways?'_

' _A facade used to dick with people. What else could it be?'_

There was a pause before Naruto replied. ' _If I can't lie to you, then you could at least return the favor.'_

' _That was surprisingly mature.'_

Being an expert in subject changes, Naruto gave the air in front of him a hard glare. For once, Kara did not reply.

He still felt the link, though, and thought one last message: ' _When you tell me the truth, then I'll reply just like you did: acceptance, I promise.'_

Kara knew, intimately, just how much he treasured promises.

With no reply, he was brought back into reality from his trance. The first thing he noticed was the tense silence that hovered like ashes. Astra looked nervous, sticking to his shoulder like a bad plot device made them unable to seperate. Or a bad analogy, kinda suspect. The pink-eyed Dark Elf walked on his heels.

Man, women were clingy. It was like they were going to get shanked.

Oh, wait. Psychotic elves.

He wouldn't correct them; they had come to an unassuming tree that blossomed like a lily among sand. It looked exactly like the other greenery, but there was an austere pressure that the other arbolic sentinels lacked. The silence twisted into reverence.

The group, being Naruto, Astra, a sexy Dark Elf, and four others at their cardinal diamonds paused for one stagnant moment. Their escorts began walking again and the trio had no choice but to move with their box.

Oh, and Kara was part of their group, lurking somewhere

The missing response whenever she was mentally acknowledged was an answer of its own.

Quietly, they walked up a familiar, sloped staircase. A door, much fantasized about, opened.

In contrast, the woman sitting in an inconspicuous rocker was a letdown. Noticeable, her boobs were not enormous. Kinda on the small side, but perky and with enough bounce for mammaries thrice her size.

Not that he noticed.

"Hello," she spoke.

She spoke.

She _spoke_.

Naruto's brain short circuited. He fell back on ingrained responses. "Yo."

The woman, another Dark Elf, would have snorted were she a lesser being. That said, the air that left her nose echoed through the soundless room. "I have been told that you have done us a great favor, young one."

"Who're you calling young?!"

Something shattered, inaudible.

Miraculously, the woman laughed, joyful peals of laughter descending from above. "Forgive me, then."

The five other Dark Elves stared at the verbal sacrilege.

"Could I have your name?"

"Naruto, please," Astra whispered.

"Uzumaki Naruto, person of pure awesome!"

Something about the sanctimonious atmosphere brought forth the heathen within.

"Well met, Naruto," the woman said with mirth, her rocking never stopping its idyllic pace. Her eyes, the color of blood frozen to snow, shone with dignified mirth. "It has been nearly a century since anyone thought to reprimand me for applauding the young for their youth."

"Bullshit."

"Naruto… no."

"Hrm?"

"There's no way you're pushing over one hundred," Naruto denied.

The woman, by visual appearances, looked younger than half of the other elves in the room. No lines, wrinkles, or other blemishes were to be found.

"Thank you, but I happen to be a few scant years over two centuries," she hummed pleasantly, eyes leaking sanguine stained amusement. A finger rose to tap her lips as her rocking continued.

"Bullshit," he repeated.

"As such, I am the eldest among a long-lived race, and the de-facto leader of my sisters and children."

Visually, there was no way she gave birth either.

"The honor of thanking you for your service for us falls to me as well," the Matron continued.

"You're welcome?" What did he do? Was he born male? If that was his service, he was going to add another to tally to the 'number of times I'm going to kick Jiraiya in the balls' chart.

Tally was 17, in case you were curious.

The Matron laughed like angels circling a pillar of light. "The number of tamers who have risked their lives to assist us are, solely you. The multitudes who have left us to fend for ourselves are many, however."

"How long was the Medra bothering you?" Naruto asked, cottoning on to what he did at last.

The woman finally looked her age. "Years."

"That's…"

"Yes," she agreed. "And I hear that they almost took another of my daughters again."

She gave a meaningful look to the Dark Elf in his personal bubble. The, seeming submissive, busty elf straightened up, and Naruto could feel her vicious.

She trilled once in the airy, elfin tongue.

The Matron laughed again. "She says that my favor has made her life difficult," she translated with a wink.

He popped an erection from a wink; Naruto saw the family resemblance at last. And the aura of authority she carried herself that matched her claimed age.

Also, he popped an erection from just a wink. How?

"That's good. I could never have _my_ progeny take the easy way through life."

Naruto was certain that her daughter just cussed her out. How she could make such beautiful chirps sound profane was beyond him.

The Matron laughed. "I have granddaughters and great-granddaughters by the dozen," she directed a meaningful look to one of their honor guard, who shuffled discreetly in response, "but only one direct child. It's like my favor gets them killed," she told him conspiratorially.

Gee, who would have thought?

"And that this one has lived this long, it feels like my genetics finally stuck." Her teeth shone and her lips peeled back: it wasn't a smile.

Naruto shivered with fear and arousal in equal measures.

With one last amused look in her eyes, the leader of psychotic killers regained control. "As our savior," her eyes glittered, "you are more than welcome to stay for as long as you wish or ask any other favor. If it's within our power, we will grant it. Although, we may have done so regardless."

She shrugged as her rocking remained unbroken.

"Huh."

"Naruto," Astra tugged at his sleeve. Her face was turned into an unfamiliar, scared expression. "Can you ball me?"

'Ball me' being slang for 'Return me to my pokeball'. Naruto shrugged; she probably had a good reason.

He did so.

"Bright," the Matron murmured. "But overall a wise decision. My children are prone to their jealousy, and I would not wish an outsider harm. That right belongs only to us."

She had teeth for all the people she's killed and an extra set to spare. The red in her eyes glinted with fire.

Completely fucking bonkers.

"I think I'll stay for a bit," Naruto decided. He at least had to wait for Alex and Erica. To be honest, he had no clue how far Kara had teleported him, and thusly how far ahead of them he was.

' _Kara?'_

No answer.

"Of course. You may stay here, with me."

The Dark Elves of the honor guard stared like they heard something unimaginable. The other one, portrayed betrayal.

"It might be safest for all involved parties. Otherwise, you may find your host has vanished in the morning."

Shinobi were adept a vanishing as well. Assassination too, come to think of it.

"Yeah."

Psychotic elves.

"You do have the Medra with you?" the Matron started, not waiting for a response. Something in his posture answered before his mouth could. "It should be fine to release her within a closed space. Preferable, really, as ensuring she doesn't go feral again is a necessity. And I feel she may offer apology, an experience I don't intend to miss."

"I guess," Naruto couldn't bring himself to be off put by the Dark Elves and their murderous, sadistic tendencies anymore.

"Ah, Naruto. The only victories that matter are the small ones."

"Sure, sure." Just agree with the crazies.

"Hmph! I suppose the ordinary humans have failed us, so it only seems fit that an extraordinary one would solve our problem." Her grin turned sly and Naruto felt his pants tighten again. "Perhaps abnormal would be more apt."

Her daughter trilled at her in an angry tone again.

"See, what did I tell you Naruto? Such a jealous race we are."

The blonde looked at the pink-eyed woman who had just interposed herself between the Matron and herself. She looked back to meet his eyes before melting, wilting almost.

"Ah, my foolish daughter," she lamented before speaking to Naruto. "And still with no tolerance for males."

Her eyes didn't leave his as her cheeks slowly flushed, looking rather odd given her blackened skin. Her hands drew up to attract the gaze to her breasts. It worked.

Almost. If he was a pervert.

The Matron laughed. "Normally, she is so composed. Serious, expressionless, and murderous, the culmination of a proper Dark Elf. Seeing her like this." Her voice rang out again in dulcet tones, a mocking, belittling amusement in her native tongue.

She didn't look away, but shuffled back and forth nervously.

The Matron continued to laugh. If that was motherhood, Naruto was glad he was an orphan.

Still, he reached out to grab her shoulder. His fingers slipped across the slick, round skin. Reaching farther, he pulled her back inside his bubble.

He had gotten used to her on his immediate right; and, she was playing further into her mother's hands.

Pervy-sage's rants on mother daughter combos flitted through his mind.

' _Yes, that's a threesome I can approve of,'_ Kara chimed in.

' _Are you ready?'_ Naruto asked. Like hell he'd let her nestle back into routine.

There was no response.

"You're savvy," the Matron appraised with a critical eye. "Something in you subconsciously can feel the subtle twists and winds of cutthroat politics."

"Eh, if you say so." He cleaned an ear with his left hand to prove his point; the right was claimed by a busty elf.

"Oh? A question then: what was I going to accomplish had you not intervened?"

He had no fucking clue; she just reminded him of Kakashi.

' _Kakashi made vague, truthful statements that backed someone into two choices: Bad and Worse.'_

Kara with the save; he was still onto her though, nice try.

Naruto mimed what the Loner told him. "You were going to force her to make a choice between bad and worse."

Fingers steepled. "You're better than I thought," she said.

The daughter snapped out of her trance to glare at her mother. There were no words.

"Haven't you heard daughter mine? Losing your head means you won't get any."

Naruto poked her before the pink eyes clouded over in lust, again. "Stop that," he grumbled at the woman, annoyed.

The Matron shrugged, her rocking suddenly conspicuous.

The daughter glanced back at him, grateful. Naruto poked her before she went off the deep end again. It was like dealing with Shikamaru; except instead of poking him awake, Naruto had to keep the pervy thoughts away.

Poke, poke.

Naruto decided he had done enough when she lightly swatted at his finger.

Luckily, for Naruto didn't think he could keep the Matron's slithering words away for long, the door opened.

It was Alex. Given his ruffled, destroyed clothing and megawatt smile, Naruto was certain he had just gotten laid. Or, come to think of it, an adventure.

"See? I told you he'd be here," the tamer told his destroyed jacket.

"So you were right. Once."

His destroyed clothing was much more disturbing when one article of clothing was alive. The holes were slowly sealing, and the Mechdoll didn't bleed.

"So, Naruto, how has your day-"

He stopped. "You," he said to the Matron flatly.

"Oh my. It looks like the teenager I knew grew up a little."

Figures.

"If by 'knew', you meant that you put objects in orifices I didn't know I had, then yes."

"Poor thing," her expression was pure pity, "you didn't know about those?"

"What happened to you?" Naruto interrupted. He didn't really want to listen to their banter all day.

Alex could, really, banter all day. At least with Erica, but that was thinly disguised flirting.

The veteran tamer lit up like Jiraiya seeing T&A. "I encountered a pack of Zahngeist," he announced triumphantly. "The velociraptor variants. Smaller, but devilishly fast and smart."

"Ah," the Matron replied first. "Thank you for assisting with that. Progress hasn't been quick."

There was a pause, but the woman continued before anyone else could chime in. "My, that will leave us with no small amount of spare time. I suspect that someone will make a play soon." The latter half of her remark was directed at her daughter.

She said 'someone' with a tone that meant she knew exactly who.

Naruto's eyes narrowed; the Matron wasn't even being subtle anymore, but he had no clue what her dangerous words meant.

The daughter's tongue curled around her musical notes in possessive anger. Whatever she said made its anger clear.

"Oh? And how is this my fault?" the Matron said innocently.

Poke, poke.

The daughter reacted to Naruto's advice and sighed instead of anything else.

"Dark Elves," Alex said with a roll of his eyes.

As if on cue, Naruto noticed the four Dark Elves staring at the male tamer. Not really lustful or undulate, but staring nonetheless.

Completely bonkers.

"You will be staying, I hope?" the Matron asked like the tension in the room wasn't her doing.

The men's eyes met. Naruto noticed the holes in his clothing and Erica.

"Yeah," he replied. "We'll stay the night."

For some reason, he felt like he was agreeing to something different. Weird.

Kara snorted in the back of his mind.

* * *

The room he was given was plain, in a sense. There wasn't much decoration, unless the bed counted, but it was filled with a natural presence that smelled like fresh soil and grass.

The bed was ostentatious, or at the very least impressive. In the Matron's own words, 'this is the room where I bed passing males.'

The context of that sentence was just as confusing.

It was there that Naruto decided to release his Medra from her pokeball. With a seizure inducing flare of light, a dragon filled the room to the ceiling, nearly.

Konan stared.

Naruto shuffled from foot to foot, pretending he wasn't checking her out.

' _You have some speech Technical Machines hiding in your bag,'_ Kara told him.

' _I feel that should mean something.'_

' _A Technical Machine grants an ability to a pokegirl. A jutsu provider if you will.'_

Naruto thought about home for a moment. ' _That's busted as hell.'_

' _To your world, yes.'_

' _So I've got machines in my backpack that enable speech?'_

' _Yes.'_

' _Oh. Neat.'_

' _Yes.'_

' _You're still not off the hook.'_

' _I know.'_

Naruto decided to ignore that landmine for the time being and ruffle through his bag for the supposed technical machines.

The steel shaped disks, wires flickering to the surface like spider veins, were probably it. He pulled it out. The Medra stared, interested.

' _So how do I use it?'_

' _It just… works.'_

' _But… How do I use it?'_

' _It don't know. Touch her with it.'_

Naruto did so. The disk flared before racing into the woman's body with a burst of blue power.

"Interesting." She said.

"Yeah," Naruto agreed, not knowing what else to say.

"Thank you."

He had the impression she was thanking him for taming her. Which was odd, because he had the unforgettable memory of doing so against phallic vines.

"You're, welcome?"

Konan nodded once, eyes probing his form once, before nodding to herself once more.

Naruto dithered, jealous of her ability to revel in an awkward silence.

"Oh, wait." He rummaged through his pack again before pulling out the crotch piece he had pulled off earlier.

He didn't even notice she was missing it because he had been acclimated to the nudity. He handed it to her, and she pushed it between her chest and let it sink in her skin.

It was horrifying, almost. Also cool as hell.

The piece of armor drifted up from her vagina moments later, effectively covering herself. Naruto, pretty irrationally, wished he had armor like that.

"Thank you," Konan said again.

"You're welcome," Naruto said awkwardly.

They paused. Naruto hesitantly began to put his bag back together, just to fill the syrup atmosphere.

' _You're hopeless,'_ Kara informed him, before launching him with a push of Psychic.

He landed straight into Konan's waiting body, her armor quickly having folded back into her skin. She caught him with her palms, mindful of her claws. Naruto could feel that her scaly skin felt smooth as a fingernail.

"I have no idea where you would be without a wingman like me," Kara told him, cracked purple meeting surprised blue.

She left.

The back of the Medra's index finger rose to stroke his cheek. It felt like a whole hand; each scale feeling like its own finger. Her silver eyes didn't let his go.

He gave in, idly wondering when he'd initiate sex.

* * *

If Naruto didn't feel like a celebrity before, he certainly did now. Just by possessing a Y chromosome he attracted the gazes of every Dark Elf. Konan standing attentively at his seven made all of the looks so much… more.

"Oh my," the Matron said, pretending to be cultured for a few moments. Naruto had been invited for a belated lunch once he had settled in.

Settled in, yes.

"It's always so… invigorating to see a predator like her so submissive. If I didn't know better, I'd say Sukebe had a dominant streak in him."

Alex shot the Matron a sharp look from his place directly across from her, setting a fork gently onto the oval table.

The dining room they were in was certainly extravagant. Naruto wondered how much a room filled with such grandeur was actually used.

"You know better?" the veteran tamer asked. His interest was fully concealed if one didn't notice his burning eye contact.

The woman shrugged. "I'm old enough to have second-hand accounts of the man himself.

There was a pause as that information sunk in. She actually knew Sukebe.

' _Who's Sukebe?'_ Naruto asked Kara.

Given the silence, Naruto felt like he had asked something like 'what is breathing?'.

' _Sukebe is the creator of pokegirls. He's our equivalent of the Sage.'_

Naruto paused, considering. ' _So your world has a Pervy-Sage?'_

' _Yes. Let's go with that.'_

For the first time, Naruto saw more than the adventurous goof. Alex's posture straightened and he leaned over the table with an elbow on it. "So, what was Sukebe like?"

"Perverted," the Matron snorted like she had made some extravagant joke. "But from what I was told: manic. All of his actions had a desperate, frantic quality to them."

"Really…"

"Hmm, yes. He wasn't always like that. I was told that he used to be a relaxed man. A hurting one that sought revenge, but relaxed all the same."

"And just who was the person telling you this?"

The Matron paused long enough to let an arrogant, triumphant smile crawl up her beautiful features. "One of Sukebe's pokegirls."

There was a silence as that information sunk in.

"My mother," she added carelessly.

Alex choked on air; his jacket slid off in shock, Erica forming eyes and gaping in surprise.

"She's not lying," Konan added, still blank faced from behind him.

The Matron sniffed. "Of course not! You think I am even capable of lying about such an important topic?"

The Medra said nothing to defend herself from that accusation; she didn't even react.

Luckily, Alex had enough reaction for at least two. "Your mother was Sukebe's pokegirl?"

"Did I not say that?"

"You," Alex started, "possess the most reliable account of Sukebe right now."

"Wasn't that implied?"

His jacket slowly crawled up his shoulders, bearing an incredulous expression. They didn't reply, letting the information sink in.

To put things into perspective, Sukebe had the measurement of time changed to match his death. The only other figure in world history significant enough to have that privilege is Jesus Christ (although that may have had to do more with European imperialism or Roman rule than any recorded feats he performed), who, at the very least, has had billions of followers throughout world history. To have even third hand knowledge of such a man was incredible, impossible.

"Why do you guys care about a dead guy so much?"

Naruto had lots of experience with the look in people's eyes saying he was a total moron.

The Matron laughed. "Yes. The man is dead. Any knowledge of the man himself is worthless, only his feats and legacy remain," she said mockingly.

"His legacy is a complete overhaul of traditional evolution, worldwide biology, and the social structure of society," Alex countered.

"And?" the woman challenged.

Alex had no reply; knowledge of Sukebe himself had no intrinsic value, only prescribed value.

Except for, "Knowledge of the man helps uncover the reason behind some of his accomplishments, which may help us reveal more information about the world."

The Matron laughed again, jeering. "Mere supposition. And lots of faith placed in a man known best for his failure."

There was no reply. Because pokegirls, in truth, were just failures. That's not to say that the individuals were failures, but the synonym losers would fill in equally well for the race.

' _The Sage,'_ Naruto thought, ' _is at least known for his success.'_

' _I can't disagree,'_ Kara said after a moment of thought.

Instead of saying something similar, Alex just sighed. "That's what all the cynics say."

"And you know what is said about cynics," the Matron replied conversationally.

The veteran tamer snorted. "Wouldn't a cynic say that the opinions of the masses do not make a truth?"

"Oh my, you're better than I thought."

"Perhaps because you look down on everyone?"

"Oh? Who is the cynic here?"

Naruto sighed balefully. This was going to be a long meal. Why did they like arguing so much?

' _I don't think you have any high ground. You do the same thing with your master.'_

' _I guess,'_ he said skeptically.

' _And if you want to be Hokage, intellectual arguments is practically your job description.'_

Naruto hoped Kara wasn't right.

' _That and paperwork.'_

Damn it.

* * *

"Dark Elves are psycho," Naruto told Alex. More of a complaint really.

Alex shrugged against the wooden bench. "Yeah."

"Why did we agree to stay here?"

Eyes rolled over lazy to look at him for a moment. "If I recall, that was you."

"Bullshit."

He shrugged again. "Fair enough. I was going to suggest we stay as well."

"Why?"

This time, Alex turned his neck to look at Naruto. He sighed. "You just agreed on whim?"

"Yeah. And I saw that you wanted to say."

"Unbelievable kid. Well, quite honestly, we're exhausted."

"Huh." Now that the man mentioned it, Astra wasn't looking so hot, and he could tell that Kara was mostly presenting a strong front.

Konan was looking like sunshine on his left, so maybe that was what confused him.

' _That would be the endurance enhancement.'_

' _That's bullshit.'_

' _Hypocrite.'_

His feet hurt too now that he thought about it as well; that kind of sucked. And his stomach felt slightly upset.

"We are pretty tired."

"I'm getting too old for this," Alex moaned, rubbing his knees.

He wasn't even over forty yet; stop whining.

"What even happened to you old man?" If he wanted to be old…

"It was amazing!"

Was he bipolar?

"After you booked it like a Hentaicute was chasing you, you're going to have to tell me about that by the way, I heard a rustle behind me."

Naruto wasn't even going to ask what a Hentaicute was, wisely, and instead settled in for a tale.

"And from the bushes a Zahngeist lunged at me, just a little bit taller than me. Erica blasted him back and I prepared for a fight. Evidently, we were supposed to run into a trap, and the pokegirl retreated quickly."

Naruto wanted a sentient jacket that could shoot lightning.

"And… it was less exciting than it should be because Erica is so powerful."

"Stop stalling and tell me, old man."

"There's not much else to tell."

Lying 101, when discovered, continue lying.

"Bullshit."

"There's not!"

"What did you do, trip?"

"Absolutely not."

"Wait, really?"

"Nope."

"What did you trip on?"

"Nothing."

"It was a bush, wasn't it?"

"I didn't trip."

"A tarantella web."

"Nope."

"A hidden dinosaur."

"Absolutely not."

"... Really? That's what they got you with."

"They didn't get me."

"So, they lured you into a trap, forced you to do a running retreat past their planted friend, and you fell right into it?"

"..."

"..."

"No."

"I'm totally right!"

"Alright, fine. That's exactly what happened," Alex admitted with a sigh.

"How do you trip over a dinosaur?" Naruto asked just to rub it in.

"With great skill," he replied sourly. "What happened to you?" he changed the topic with great skill. "I see the Medra, but I didn't really question it 'till now."

Well, if he insisted, Naruto might feel inclined to share a tale of his greatness.

He wasn't even fooling himself; he would share his story, wanted or otherwise. "Well," Naruto began, faux-reluctant.

He explained, with much relish.

It was on the closing note, with Naruto standing on a bench, reenacting his greatest moment of master tactician, that he immediately became sheepish.

"And, then, um, a… a tentacle was shoved down… her… throat. And the plant-y… thing, did the… thing."

Konan was sitting right next to him. Oops? Naruto shot her an apologetic look. In response, he got an apathetic one; Neji emoted better than her, at least until he was debastardified.

That's a word.

Alex pretended not to notice his weak finish. "Kid. Just how?"

"How what?" Naruto replied, fishing for praise.

The veteran tamer just sighed. "I can think of one person who could've done what you did."

"Who?"

"You, kid. Medra are no joke, especially while feral, and the fact that you could take one on, with pokegirls who've yet to reach their full potential, is miraculous."

Naruto scratched the back of his head.

"It wasn't that impressive, was it?"

Shikamaru would have done better, and without the unnecessary danger as well. Kakashi would have done the same; Pervy-sage would have made it look effortless, with a side of ego.

What he did was nowhere near the elegance of the people he knew, true; but, most people are not trained shinobi, educated to analyze weakness in order to make flash strategies.

"Not impressive? A Medra is an S-ranked pokegirl while you had a D-ranked and several C's."

If those were anything like shinobi classifications, then it probably was that impressive.

"You sure?"

"Just take the praise you modest idiot," Alex shot back gruffly.

Well, that was the first time he had been called modest, ever. Well, for anything but describing his height when he was younger.

"If you say so." Naruto pretended to be reluctant, mostly for fun.

Alex rolled his eyes in mock annoyance. "Stubborn brat."

"Old man," he said, exhaustion finally having caught up with him.

* * *

" _Oi, everything alright, brat?"_ Jiraiya said, his obnoxious face popping up on video call. And then there was that ugly wart.

"Yes," Naruto replied, offended. Wasn't the hand holding supposed to stop?

" _Hey, no need to get pouty on me. You're zoned with an S-class menace so I figured I'd check in."_

"Oh, yeah. That happened this morning."

" _What."_

"And aside from tentacles it was fine."

" _What? You know what? Nevermind. You're in one piece and that's enough."_

"Why wouldn't I be in one piece?"

" _The S-class menace."_

"Meh, I named her Konan."

There was silence.

" _Everything is wrong with that sentence, but I'll take your word for it. Konan, huh?"_

"Yup."

There was another pause.

" _Somehow, brat, you surprise me more each day."_

"I'm just that awesome." Fact.

Pervy-sage looked at him for a few moments.

Another pause. Longer.

" _Maybe."_

* * *

Naruto sighed as he tucked his 'Dex away, glad to have Pervy-sage's ugly mug out of eyesight. Talking with the old pervert always made him exhausted for some reason.

He flopped onto his back to stare at the ceiling for a bit. It had been a long day. At least it was over.

' _Sexy Dark Elf behind you,'_ Kara chimed in.

' _But I'm lying down!'_

' _And?'_

Damn it. He just wanted to sleep.

"Can you get out from under my bed?" Naruto grumbled.

There were a few moments where he felt he might've just talked to himself before he heard a rustle from underneath him.

"Oh, it's you." The pink-eyed one.

She trilled softly at him.

"I have no idea what you just said."

She sighed.

' _You still have two more Technical Machines,'_ Kara offered.

' _Can't you just translate?'_

The Loner could. ' _No.'_ She wouldn't.

' _What a pain.'_

Minutes later, with some grumbling and clichéd flashes of light, Naruto had woken up enough for another troublesome conversation.

Why did this happen when he was trying to sleep?

"What do you want?" Naruto groaned, too tired to feign polite.

Not like he pretended to be nice anyways… he just was.

She stared.

"Not again…"

"What, oh, I-ummm. Sorry? But I, just, ahhh…" she trailed off. "Fuck. I can't even…"

"You can't even what?"

The Dark Elf shook her head with eyes closed. "I can't talk properly!" she shouted. "Do you know how frustrating it is?!"

"You just did." Insert sideways look and clichéd comparison to a fox.

"Oh, I, uh, guess that I… I did."

And it's back.

"So what are you here for?" Naruto asked, nicer this time.

"I, uh, I wanted to ask, ah…"

"You wanted to ask?" Naruto prompted.

"I want you to take me!" She shouted. "Fuck. With you." She paused. "I want you to take me with you."

That's not cliché; I promise.

"Why?"

' _Did you just ask that? Look at her boobs and reevaluate.'_

"Uhm, ah. Ehehe. Ahhn…"

' _Is this going to happen all the time?'_

' _Oh, sure. Ignore me and let me answer whenever it's convenient for you.'_

She was giggling pervertedly while staring right through him.

' _Is it?'_

' _... no. This will stop if you tame her.'_

Good to know. Not really.

Naruto sighed as he wrested himself from the bed's confines for the second time that night. Two times too many.

Poke, poke.

Nothing.

Poke, poke.

She was still staring.

Poke, poke, poke, poke, poke.

"Hawuh? Oh, uhm, sorry? It's because I'd be dead by tonight anyways. Thanks to _mother_."

' _Isn't she a psycho killer?'_

' _Sukebe created them to be weak to males,'_ Kara reasoned.

Out of nowhere the Dark Elf screamed while pulling at her hair. "I hate this! I can't even think straight but I don't even want to leave! Fuck! Argh!"

Naruto blinked.

"Do you know how frustrating it is to be reduced to a mindless animal?! Do you?! I need to explain convoluted politics and I can't even form a sentence!"

Blink, blink.

"Are you okay?"

"Uhm, ah, not really…"

' _Is she just bipolar, or feral?'_

' _Feral. I hope.'_

"That sounds, shitty?"

Instead of a reply, she stared some more.

Poke, poke.

"Oh, right! I need to go with you otherwise I'll be killed."

"You said that already."

"Oh, I, uhm, did, didn't I? Well, _mother_ set me up, and since the immediate threats are gone there's going to be lots of murders tonight…"

' _I feel bad for her.'_

' _Why?'_ Naruto replied.

' _Normally she'd be composed, rational, and seductive, but right now she's reduced to a shy schoolgirl.'_

' _Huh.'_

Seeing that she would stare for the immediate future, Naruto decided to engage Kara.

' _What are you doing anyways?'_

' _Perving on sexy Dark Elves. I found the leggy one again.'_

' _That's… great.'_

' _*sigh*, yeah, she is.'_

That was enough of that conversation.

"So you just need to come with me, to not be killed?"

He already knew why she would be killed, we covered that last chapter.

"Yeah, that's it. Throw me in a pokeball until you leave in the morning. They're expecting me to go missing tonight anyways."

' _But why was that sentence normal?'_ Naruto thought.

He dismissed the passing thought casually. "Sure." Naruto shrugged. At the very least Kara would appreciate her.

' _I'll do much more than just "appreciate" her.'_

' _Money on her being straight,'_ Naruto declared.

' _I hate you. Can't the world help a desperate, stacked, and openly bisexual woman out?'_

' _No.'_

Naruto unclipped a pokeball and sucked her inside of it. "Why is it so bright?" he complained, rubbing spots from his eyes.

"I'm just going to go to sleep now."

Wait for it.

"Fuck. No I'm not. Get in here Kara."

He was preemptively dealing with this, otherwise Kara would wake him up in the middle of the night like a douchebag friend.

' _But, the legs!'_ she protested.

' _They were pretty nice,'_ he agreed. ' _Now get over here.'_

"Alright, I'm here."

"You sound annoyed."

"No, really?" she murmured, annoyed. "It's not like a got peeled from a lovely image to have a conversation I don't want to have."

"You think about those legs a lot."

"I like legs, okay? Is that so wrong?"

"Nah, it's fine."

"Liar. And a hypocrite. I see your overwhelming love of boobs."

"Hey. I'm just regular whelmed."

"That's not a word."

Their conversation tapered off. They just stared into each other's eyes.

"Do I have to do this?" Kara whined.

Naruto thought for a moment. "No."

"Liar."

"You don't have to."

"*sigh* yes I do."

Kara took a deep breath, and held it. "How do I start this?"

"You just start angsting about all your emotional scars and edgy pain until you feel better," Naruto prompted.

Kara paused. "I've seen your memories and I still don't understand Neji."

"Neji was special."

Kara sighed again. "Let's try this a different way. What do you know about me?"

Naruto gave her a weird look but capitulated. "Well, you're bisexual, and like legs."

"Funny."

"You like dicking on people, making them uncomfortable, and drowning them in innuendo. You secretly like being able to read minds because you can tell if people like you, you're emotionally sensitive and care what people think about you and cover that up with humor."

Kara blinked. Paused. "I didn't know that you knew _that_ much." She looked away.

"See?" Cue outstretched finger. "Humor."

Kara snorted, rolling her eyes away from direct contact. "So why did I have to do this?"

"I thought you were hiding something different," Naruto shrugged; it was a little embarrassing to be so far off base, but he could pretend to be blasé about it.

"What else would I be hiding?" She paused, before adding on more words. "Aside from my boobs."

"Can we not talk about that."

"Those," she corrected.

"Those," Naruto acquiesced.

"And, no. My lovelies deserve to be admired."

Naruto would call her narcissistic if his pseudo-japanese culture had a greek word. Somewhere, I'm sure there's a Japanese equivalent. Maybe. It _is_ a medical term after all.

"That's weird."

"You're weird for not exploiting the opportunity."

"Your boobs aren't _that_ great."

He said that with a straight face. Desensitization works quickly, it seems.

"So you admit they're great?"

Fuck. "Yeah." Lying 101 got thrown out the window with a psychic.

"So that means you either are a moron or you're homosexual."

Logic like that works better if the terms are mutually exclusive.

"I thought we already covered the gay thing?"

"So you admit to being a moron?"

Fuck. "No."

"Really? I am a psychic."

Naruto scowled. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"Well, inside your mind is just this white plane that represents your thoughts. And it's completely empty."

"Liar." A beat. "You are lying, right?"

Kara laughed, cracked eyes glimmering in the dark.

That wasn't reassuring at all.

* * *

 **Author's Note(s):** Chapter finished. It's short, but meh. I cut some smut because I'll appreciate the pacing it'll provide when the plot picks up. There's a time and place, and it is not now when events are slow. I did plan to add it though, quite a lot, so the chapter got cut short. Because, first and foremost, I'm trying to improve myself as a writer. Smut is out of my comfort zone, so I'm forcing myself to write it while pushing it back as far as I can.

I'm that awful.

Sidenote, I can't write smut properly right now. I'm doing a lot of "research" and rough drafts right now so that when it pops up it'll be of a certain quality I'm sure it lacks currently.

Kara, if you couldn't tell, was supposed to die last chapter, so her character is less integrated and I've had to modify my plot. The problem with an outline is that it doesn't account for certain things the narrative does, and I'm finding myself doing hardcore edits. Some parts I'm flying by the seat of my pants, as I'm sure you can tell, and others are planned in advance, which I hope you can tell.

Lots of you peeps are complaining about Jiraiya. All I'll say is that I love him as a character, and somewhat dislike him as a person, which I hope many of you agree with.

There'd be some Edited 'Dex entries, but I'm sure that would be spoilers. So have some Omake instead.

 **Omake**

 **Or, Scrapped Ideas Number One**

 _Quietly, they walked up a familiar, sloped staircase. A door, much fantasized about, opened._

Naruto blinked. "Granny?"

' _Oh Sage, why is she naked?'_

A Dark Elf blinked. "Naruto?"

It was obviously Tsunade. He could tell by the contours of her chest. That was to say, her tits were huge.

Just, what had Pervy-sage done? He thought he knew, but apparently…

"What… what the hell happened?"

Tsunade glared. "Nothing happened."

' _Bullshit.'_

Naruto blinked in remembrance. ' _Kara, what's going on?'_

' _I don't know.'_

' _What do you mean you don't know?!'_

' _Calm down, I'm having an existential crisis.'_

' _You're having one?! What about me?!'_

"Stop bullshitting me, granny."

"Naruto…" the desk cracked ominously.

' _Kara!'_ Naruto desperately plead. ' _What's going on?!'_

"Ehehe, sorry?"

' _Well, there's two options. Either Jirachi made a replica of Konoha off Jiraiya's imagination, or Konoha has been changed into pokegirls.'_

' _That's not good,'_ was his conscience thoughts. Mostly, he thought about beating the shit out of Pervy-sage.

Tsunade snorted and relaxed backwards in her chair. "You better be. Or else you're going to be sorry."

"Ehehe. Hehe. He. He…"

' _That's definitely granny…'_

"So what brings you back so soon?" she asked, pulling a bottle of sake from one of her drawers.

When in doubt, blame Pervy-sage. "Pervy-sage sent me back a little early. Said there were some things he had to, um, see before he came back."

Also, distract Tsunade with Jiraiya's pervy habits.

Her bottle of sake creaked ominously. "That Jiraiya. Just who does he think he is?" she whispered. Tsunade ripped out the cork with her teeth and imbibed straight from the bottle.

That wasn't hot: not Tsunade.

' _Kara,'_ Naruto plead. ' _Help.'_

' _Damn, she's smoking hot.'_

Something inside of him broke a little.

"And you just let him wander off as he pleased?"

He wasn't in charge of Pervy-sage! Don't make it sound like he was supposed to be mature! Don't be so threatening and sensual at the same time!

"Eheh-" his nervous laughter was cut off by a flare of Killing Intent. "I didn't want to spend more time with Pervy-sage!"

Was that the right answer?

Tsunade snorted and took another swig of her drink. "Fair enough."

' _Do not follow the drop of sake dripping down her face. Do not follow the drop of sake dripping down her neck. Do not follow the drop of sake dripping between… her... breasts.'_

' _Damn…'_ Kara whimpered.

"I'll just grind Jiraiya into the ground when he gets back for being such a pervert!" Tsunade declared.

There was no mercy for Pervy-sage.

' _How does she hate perverts when she's naked?'_ Naruto thought dazedly.

' _Don't question the fanservice, appreciate it.'_

"Anyways," Tsunade shook her head. "Now that you're back, it's time for a little test." She signed for an ANBU, and one appeared in the traditional crouch almost immediately. "Go get Hatake Kakashi."

The ANBU was wearing a mask, but nothing else. ' _Why?'_ Naruto thought, as the crouching position allowed for a perfect view of a posterior.

' _Look at that ass,'_ Kara chimed in. ' _And those legs.'_

"Apologies, milady," the ANBU said tonelessly. "Hatake is already here." She disappeared in a blur to resume her original vantage point.

"Kakashi!" Tsunade somewhat shouted behind herself. "Get in here!"

The window opened.

Another naked Dark Elf strolled in. She had an eyepatch.

And was naked.

And female.

"Kakashi. Take Naruto and Sakura to training ground three and see where they're at."

"Sure, sure," the woman who was supposed to be Kakashi agreed. "Oh, and hello Naruto."

"Hi."

She was replaced by a plume of chakra smoke.

"Well, get a move on brat," Tsunade said.

"Okay."

"Oh, and it's good to see you Naruto."

"Thanks."

He walked out the door. ' _Kara,'_ Naruto cried. ' _Nothing makes sense anymore!'_

' _Blame Jiraiya.'_

That made sense. "Pervy-sa-a-a-ge!" Naruto screamed out loud like a man declaring revenge.

 **End Omake**

Don't question it, just appreciate that this idea was scrapped. I think I already extracted all the humor out of it, so this idea shall remain Scrapped forever.

Also, I'm pretty glad I didn't kill Kara. She's just so funny.

And now, for the bad news. I'm slowing down my update schedule to one month between updates. Fanfiction, something that's supposed to be a hobby, is not supposed to stress me out like it has. At least it's not a hiatus, right?

Yeah, I don't like it either.


	6. Chapter 6, Dreams

_Asura was what he was._

 _A beast. A monster made of three heads, each diverging from a shared neck; six arms, three in sets of two that broke free from their chest and shoulders alike; and an insatiable lust for the delicate crimson of human flesh._

 _When the peaceful villagers gazed upon his dreadful visage, they ran away. The middle head, the first and often only to be seen, frowned. The left head, the least noticed, recoiled and cursed and raged and raged. The right head, the most monstrous of them all, rolled its eyes, deeming judgement beneath it._

 _The beast, him, walked for miles through the village, searching for something. The middle head gazed on all that they had with mournful eyes. The left head grew jealous of the village's bounty. And the right head huffed, unwanted on the walk._

 _The villagers returned with sticks and stones and words. The middle head grew stoic, determined to show them that he wasn't a monster at heart. The left head spat curses until its throat burned raw. The right head, it cared not for their futile efforts; it's lazy, dreadful presence only encouraged the witless villagers further._

 _One of the elderly villagers, a Shaman in tune with life and death and the order of the world, raised his staff. The power of life overcame Asura, him. His veins twisted to the pulse of nature._

 _The left head spat in anger, before it knew no more._

 _The sticks and stones and words rained still, but Asura's heart was healed. No longer would the middle head have to restrain its own body alongside the assault to its skin. The right head said nothing, as always, but was glad the nuisance was gone._

 _And, the right head could wrest control from the middle head much easier with the left head gone._

Tendrils of dream clung to his head as Naruto woke up. The foggy vestiges of an unclear image were all he could see before it faded away, mists of a multi-limbed monster disappearing.

In its place, a red tinged sewer sapped at the surrounding light. The eerie glow of yellow beneath him and pitch black behind him, always teasing at his peripherals, created a daunting and far too familiar atmosphere.

"This place," Naruto said aloud, hoping to fill the hungry space.

It didn't echo.

"Why am I here?" he asked himself. Naruto grasped at the remaining straws of his dreams, a vision, before it ultimately slipped away.

Rarely did he remember dreams, but this elusive revelation unsettled him more than something unreal should have.

Ultimately, he accepted that he wouldn't know what he saw and walked forwards, the only option available. The zapped yellow water shimmered beneath his feet as his ankles descended cell deep into the crisp water.

' _Why am I here?'_ The thought bounced around through his head. It rattled him.

The nine-tailed fox was not something he liked to ponder on for any period of time. Or acknowledge that it was there at all. Buried memories of attacking Pervy-sage resurfaced in his mind.

After minutes of walking, Naruto turned one last corner to the gate, the seal.

Like skyscrapers, poles of chakra inked into his skin ascended out of visibility and well into infinity; and then, they plunged far below to root it to something substantial. A small scrap of paper hung simply in the symmetrical center, belying the terrible power and possibility it represented.

"What is that?"

Instead of an empty black or simmering inferno that was the ninetails, a translucent yellow wall of chakra jello was interposed between the seal and chakra beast. It pulsed to the too quick beat of his heart, flashing into a sickening shade of insectile yellow before rescinding.

Silver scaffolding crisscrossed through the chakra barrier, buttressed against the spires of the gate. They flowed with serpentine movements, heads of bright color darting along the paths like beads. And, against that silver, were strings of blue rocketing along the troughs like a jagged rollercoaster.

A hauntingly familiar shade of electric blue. "Rasengan."

His chakra. It was right there.

"Pervy-sage… why did you lie to me?"

Where was the ninetails? He almost missed the fuzzbutt.

What was that yellow chakra? The silver pipes?

With predatory precision, his eyes locked onto a stripe of movement, a red bolt of chakra burrowing into the yellow. The yellow chakra melted in its wake, squirming a pathway out before it was absorbed by the defensive jello.

The ninetails, what was it up to?

This barrier. Pervy-sage. Chakra.

Naruto stepped up to the gate. His hand gripped the gate. He bruised it. His fingerprints wrested themselves into the metal. He snarled. He stopped. He started again. His head beat. It stopped. It started.

"Why?"

A shining tail of red chakra burst through the yellow chakra, rippling against the spiritual nature of the seal. Naruto was hammered backwards against the furthest wall, sinking nowhere into the unforgiving tunnel. His head pulsed as the red chakra touched his system, introducing fragments of limitless power to his mortal and constrained body.

Naruto screamed.

His throat burned raw.

His hands plunged into his liver.

Fingernails snapped against abdominal muscles.

Fire.

He smelled burnt hair and tasted copper. His tongue tasted like teeth. Naruto brushed his sloppy strands of gold out of his eyes.

That, was why he didn't care for the ninetails. With all the stubbornness of the tide, Naruto reared himself against the seal through his jelly muscles.

"Is that all you've got, fox?!" Naruto challenged. He lined his words with pain, projecting it out of body. "I thought you could do better than that!"

The yellow chakra had consumed the chakra tail and shimmered like the golden sun had been remodeled by Midas. An orange fire laced its way through the silver aqueducts, feeding on the weak, very blue chakra that was formerly there.

The barrier jiggled in the way only gelatin could. Even still, the silver lines warped like they had passed through a curved mirror as the cavern shook with primal, unforgiving wrath. The seal reamined unbowed.

But, to Naruto's horror, the space between the spires widened fractionally. His breath caught in his throat before he let the ninetails see his fear.

Two tails of chakra plunged into the barrier like spears chasing after submerged fish. With earthshaking, tsunami curling might, the yellow was parted by two titanic tails. The chakra barrier was rent in two. And through the gap, Naruto heard a baleful snarl that shook the cavern with more vitriol than the fox had ever managed. A beast of such proportions that the sky was rent asunder with a shout.

The water cascaded like a flood gate broke, but Naruto floated atop with fearlessness. He kept tangent with the top of the water. He bobbed to the top of each crest before cooly sliding to the bottom.

"Yeah, yeah, enough of a hissy fit?" Naruto was offended. His middle lip curled up as the corner pointed down.

The cavern became shockwave as the ninetail's behemoth voice provided more bass than was audible. Vessels cracked and blood ran down his chin, ears sharp.

A second time the voice came in audible tones. "You don't know anything, child. This chakra barrier is but a temporary measure, and then I will be free."

Defiance reared its battered face. "I won't let you."

The cavern shook exactly seven times and Naruto topped seven frothing bends of water. The red bounced and the ceiling descended as a falling sky. The red shadows whispered and boomed at him. "It is truly a shame that I must kill you. Your courage is admirable."

"It's not like I'm doing it for you." Naruto crossed his arms. "You won't be escaping today, so go back to licking your balls, you dick."

There was a black silence as the yellow chakra slowly began to reseal itself, each shambling creep more inexorable than a zombie apocalypse. The ninetails struggled to hold the gap open as its glorious tails were slowly forced together.

It seemed that he had stumped the fuzzy bastard.

Then, the red spoke again. "Truly, a shame. Such a powerless miscreation impersonating the legendary. Such a joke should be treasured like a precious animal dropping."

Damn, those insults actually burned. Fire begets fire though. "Who're you calling a miscreation you glorified plush toy?! Keep talking shit like that and I'll break out the collar."

For the first time ever, Naruto had broken the ninetails omniscient bearing. "Plush toy?! To compare me to such cheap fabric won from carnival scams. I'll have you know-" the line went dead for a moment. An evil chuckle passed through the ceiling. "How amusing that you think you have that power to chain me? What a priceless mortal you are."

Any tension that had built up stopped. Did the ninetails just try to pretend it was still some unfeeling bastard? Did that really happen. "Fine, maybe one of those fancy silk stuffies," Naruto conceded.

"Thanks," the echoed voice huffed.

Instantly, the tails repealed themselves as the yellow chakra collapsed inwards like a parted sea smoothing out.

Naruto snickered before it turned into a full belly laugh. "Pfft, hahaha." How could he be scared of big 'ol fuzzy now?"

He almost straightened out before he lost himself into laughter one more time.

And then reality reasserted itself. Even if the ninetails was less of a dick, it still was trying to break free and kill him. And, from what he could tell, the tailed beast was closer than ever.

Naruto realized, that perhaps the ninetails slip wasn't a slip, but a calculated maneuver to relax him into inaction. And it had almost worked.

No, Naruto's stomach sunk into his hip as his face tilted downwards against his will; he was more frightened than ever.

His legs dipped deeper into the shimmering water more and more with each passing step as he walked away from the seal. His hair settled like burnt ashes on his heavy shoulders.

His stomach burned with a persistent nudge.


End file.
